Wednesday, December 1, 2010

No shower for this Bunny

I spoke to BFB on the phone last night. I made horrible faces when she talked about her baby, and kept my responses to her queries about my fetus pretty minimal, so it wasn't bad. At the end of our conversation, she asked what I would like in the way of a baby shower. She was sweet about it, actually, saying she wanted to make sure I felt loved and supported. I'm coming down on the side of nothing at all, though. There are a few reasons, but it boils down to this. When I think about what I'd want, it's clear that I can't have it.

Here's what I really want. I want time to stop for me* for a few years. While I'm frozen, I want all of you who are not already pregnant to become so. I want you to have healthy and joyful pregnancies wherein you enjoy...almost...every moment of the experience. I want you to have trouble-free deliveries and rosy-cheeked, happy babies. I want you to go through early parenthood and learn all there is to know about raising infants. Then I'll rejoin you. I'll invite you to my house. Teleportation will have been invented so it won't be a pain to come. We'll eat cupcakes and you'll share your accumulated wisdom with me. We'll commiserate over our various journeys and talk smack about Fertile Whores. You'll get drunk and I'll be envious.

But I can't have that. 'Cause teleportation is a long way off.

In reality, I have a small group of non-local friends, most of whom could not come to Ohio. Even BFB herself would have a tough time flying from CA with a baby and a teaching schedule, and she's also on the job market so may have interviews and campus visits, but it will all be up in the air for a while. (She intimated that I could come to CA [where several of my friends live] and I was like FUCK YOU.) In addition, most of my friends don't want kids, so have no wisdom to offer on the subject of which stroller to buy.

I feel slightly sad about it, but only because the IDEA of being surrounded by loving, wise women is pleasant. However, that's not my reality. And I should keep in mind that if I did have a lot of women in my life with loads of experience with babies, I'd have spent the past two years hating them and wanting to stab them in the throats.

*Um, and I guess for Bun Bun, too, or that could be pretty problematic. And Mr. Bunny. And my tenure committee.


  1. I would like nothing more than the realization of that dream for your shower. I think all of us in a room celebrating our beloved Bunny and celebrating our connection would be fantastic.

    I somehow think that while there may not be a shower, you have some wise women in your future who will be ready to support you. Your life is about to change and you will find what you need. Like you have always done, I suspect.

  2. I never got a bridal shower - mostly b/c we were only engaged for a week before tying the knot, but also because I didn't have any close friends that lived nearby that would THROW me a shower. Same goes for a baby shower. We have a couple friends locally, but they all have their own babies/kids and aren't really the kind of friends to throw a shower and ooh and ahh and commiserate over anything. I wasn't even invited to their showers (which I heartily appreciate, don't get me wrong). I could fly home to LA and have a crap-ton of family attend - aunts, cousins, my mom's friends - all people who care about me, but don't know me on a very personal level.
    It is kind of sad. I like your idea of wise, loving women surrounding you. And to tell you the truth, if you were close by, I'd attend your shower, infertile or not. And I would offer what little advice I did have from my limited experience with infants and kids, and you wouldn't look at me like I was stupid because, DUH, I don't have any kids so how on earth could I have an opinion?!
    Oh, and I would totally make inappropriate jokes about all fertile people under my breath the whole time :).

  3. Well, that came out wrong. I meant obviously that I doubted I would have a baby shower if I needed one in the future. Obviously I'm not mad that no one has thrown me a baby shower yet. Since, well, I'm not even pregnant (or adopting yet).

  4. I'd love to come to that shower, bunny. Someone could have told them to get teleportation and IF treatment right earlier.

  5. That would be an awesome shower, indeed. Stupid teleportation not invented yet. Federal funding for science. Just saying.

    I feel that there will be people who want to give you things and that you might have a few sudden downpours if not a full blown shower. And I hope that some wise women who are kick ass as mothers emerge to cheer you on for whatever comes next. Such a happy thought!

  6. Now that's a shower I'd like to be at!

    Like Misfit, I feel that you will be showered with a shower or two that'll surprise you. You're way too fucking cool to not have friends surrounding you everywhere you go.

    Stupid teleportation is right. I'd pay to fly out to come to your shower though. You're just that kinda cool to me.

  7. I would be at your shower in a SECOND!

    I know how you feel...most of my best friends still live in NYC and I only have a couple of close girlfriends in Chicago. Surely not enough for a shower. But lo and behold, 2 of hubs's classmates who I'm also friendly with are throwing me a shower and suddenly there ARE people to invite and people coming (some from out of town). It's nuts. I also have a feeling that you might get surprised with a shower—but if not, who really cares. You have sweet BunBun and hubs to show you love and support. xo

  8. I bet your fellow academics will probably do something at work for you. So you may get a small, discrete shower anyway. Set up a registry online because near or after your due date, you can buy all that stuff yourself at a big discount.

    And also, while we're frozen, can someone invent flying cars and jetpacks already?

  9. Ahh, that sounds like a PERFECT baby shower idea, I'd love to attend and celebrate (and last but not least make tons of cracks about fertiles).

  10. Dude, that sounds awesome. PLUS...cupcakes!

    I can't imagine I'd have more than 2-3 women to invite to my shower either. It's gotta be hard feeling kind of alone in this. I remember that when I was briefly pregnant, that's the one thing I really wanted--ladies to commiserate with.

    We need to have a fucking VIRTUAL shower, Bunny.

  11. I'd love to come to that shower!!! Sounds perfect.

  12. Wait...can we have a shower for you anyway? Even though we don't yet have babies or the wisdom you seek? I'll bring the cookies...

  13. I would so come to Ohio and eat cupcakes. (Frankly, I'll eat a cupcake any time, but in Ohio, land of my birth, wiht YOU, it would be even more special.)
    Maybe we can have a virtual shower where you ask for advice on kid stuff. That would be fun! But not as much fun as cupcakes and booze (oh I want a drink).

  14. bunny - i wanna come to your shower. someone invent that teleporting machine stat please. i'd even come to ohio for you :o)

    i like the virtual shower idea. we can all send you gifts and then get online. ppl who want to remain anonymous can wear masks :o)

  15. Hey Bunny - I'll come to your virtual shower with bells on. And I'll even put myself out so far as to get drunk for you and give you lots of assvice about caring for your Bunny-baby :) I can be the virtual-resident-old-lady!

    I didn't have a shower with the Little Guy, I wasn't allowed friendships and was completely isolated - that sucked for me. But I agree with the others, you will probably get something going on from work, people get excited about babies.

    PS I liked your calendar entry.

  16. DAMMIT this is a funny post! I wish I could honor it with a witty come back but, shitballs, I am dry.

    Cracked me up for some reason.

    The virtual shower is sweet. I mean sweet in the meaning of sweet - sentimental and touching. Would love to make it real.

  17. If only, right??? I do hope you and little bun bun get some celebrating, shower or not.

  18. I don't blame you. You know, it's one of those things that are great in theory (a gathering of wise women) but in reality...well, it makes it a lot harder when the people you'd like to invite aren't geographically there.

    I wish we could throw you an internet baby shower. A baby shower in thought. I would bring the cake. And the magic booze that causes no damage to the unborn:)