Monday, January 16, 2012

Busy head

School starts tomorrow, and I'm feeling my usual pre-semester jitters. Both my classes are far smaller than usual, which is a good thing, but makes me feel unpopular and weirdly out of things. Plus, one class is made up primarily of students to put it...have not impressed me in other courses. Some of them are clearly floundering with this whole college thing, like the girl who has decided that because she's gotten too many Ds and Fs, med school is out of her reach. So she's going to apply to PhD programs. I know I should put aside any preconceptions about these people, but because I'm human, walking into a class filled with students I'd rather never see's hard to generate a lot of fire in the old teaching belly.

Meanwhile, there's my baby. Monday will be my day at home with her this semester, and I should be savoring the fuck out of today. She's in a magical delicious moment of just starting to crawl and just starting to push up to a sitting position and just starting to reach up for things, and it chokes me up because it's so cool. I'll plop her on her belly and turn around to find her sitting there, or on her knees pulling something off a shelf... I like to pretend she's telling me, Hey Mama, I got this. I'm ready for a new phase... The nanny transition week was fine. I feel a little numb about the whole thing, still, and I really don't like having my baby smell like someone else (fabric softener or perfume or whatever), but I think my biggest source of anxiety was how well Bun Bun did. Do I even matter to her? I sure hope so. So anyway, being with her today and knowing I won't be tomorrow...hard, weird, hard, distracting.

Then there's my uterus and its mysterious contents. I don't mind waiting a few more days to find out what's in there, my fear is that I won't actually know on Friday. I have no sense of what goes on at a normal first OB appointment. Will they give me an ultrasound? SURELY they will give me an ultrasound. Surely they won't just take some blood and weigh me. Surely? I miss the days of the medical community treating me like a miracle. I still feel like a miracle.

Anyway, that's what's going on in my pretty little head today. I leave you with this totally gratuitous photo of Bun Bun, in her first excursion in her Bun Bunting.

She'd like you to know that she's wearing nothing but a diaper under this bunting.


  1. I think once you get back to work most of the anxious conflicted feeling will settle down. And yes You do matter to bun bun and she will let you know that in spades when you return home. As for the OB appointment be prepared, they may not do an u/s but rather take blood and use the Doppler to try and find the heartbeat. But if you pull out the water works you'll get an u/s (just sayin).

  2. I had twins with IVF and was used to seeing a doctor all the time and being treated with kid gloves. Lots of ultrasounds and appointments from day one. Then, like you, I got pregnant on my own. And I could NOT believe how nonchalant everyone in the medical community was about it. I had moved and had a new doctor who didn't know my history, and so to them, I was just your average everyday knocked up gal. They wouldn't even see me until I hit 9 weeks, and like you, there was no congratulations on the phone.

    I can tell you that most doctors do an ultrasound at that first appointment, if only to try to date the time of conception. Then there wasn't another ultrasound until week 20. Wtf? I felt like I was having a fake pregnancy or something since I had no way to verify it except for the weight gain, nausea, fatigue, and irritability!

    If they don't offer an ultrasound, just beg, for your own sanity. I am hoping you find a beautiful little baby in there, and that you are blessed with an easy, nausea-free pregnancy and a healthy baby at the end.

  3. Me? I would ask for an ultrasound. Your history warrants it, though it might not be considered necessary. But I bet they'll use the doppler at least and that will tell you what you need to know.

    And those poor, stupid med school wannabees. I was on the grad school admissions committee for a couple of years and we would get those applications with the Ds and the Fs and we would sometimes read them for sport, but never out of interest. They are kindling. Anytime someone thinks that a PhD is a runner-up to med school, it shows. They think they can hide it, but no. And then we staple their application to a bulletin board as the joke of the week. (We did used to keep the worst essays and "recommendation" letters and hang them up on the lab fridge for fun. Scientists are actually evil, you see.)

    BunBun still needs you and her attachment to others won't diminish her love for you one bit. That it's going so well is a testament to what a good mama you are and what a balanced kid she is. So good on you.

  4. I love that photo!!!!! Bun Bun looks like a hard core winter baby. I actually grew up with real winters but I can't seem to even remember what that feels like anymore.

    I hope you get that ultrasound - and all the reassurance that it will provide. I know that it depends on the OB. Mine does an u/s at 9 weeks to date the embryo but, I found out, only in her faraway office where she actually has a machine. Funny, I had a (5 second) appt with her last week and I asked what was next, if I was to be treated like a "normal" patient. She said sure, until you get a little further, and then we will get going with NSTs because we don't want to be careless. I agree (about the careless part - I don't actually think NSTs are that meaningful).

    I personally am happy for you that Bun Bun is doing so well with the nanny. I think it would be even harder to make this already difficult transition if she were upset by it. And, don't worry, there WILL be plenty of moments when her preference for you will be clear.

  5. So stinkin' sweet!! Dude, I hear you on the whole her smelling like someone else and doing so well with the nanny things. Some days I swear H would rather live at daycare than at home. Its hard, yo. But nobody else is Mama, and we have to remember that.

    Good luck with your classes!

  6. I'm 50/50 on whether they'll give you an ultrasound or not. My guess is they'll listen with the doppler, but since you're borderline doppler-zone they will do an ultrasound if they can't find the heartbeat. That's what they did with me around 10 weeks. I was somehow able to rationalize that it was VERY early for effective dopplering but was still entirely grateful for the flicker on the screen when it showed itself.

    I have had a great experience with Mac in daycare with the exception of the one day they had a 'sub' in the room and he came to me smelling of her perfume. Apparently I too have huge issue with my baby smelling of anyone else. It completely bugged me. The sub never wore perfume again so one could deduce I wasn't alone in my revulsion.

  7. Holy shit, what a cute baby!!

    I am also a little pained when babe does totally fine without me all day. I don't want her to be miserable or anything, but I want to be better than the babysitter!

  8. guess blogger ate my comment. hmph. hope it goes straight to its hips.

    i hope your students will surprise you. one of my lamest and most annoying and lazy students showed up in another class of mine a few years later completely changed -- had gone from mocking everything about writing and reading to a lit major who talked about how the russians had changed his view of spirituality. so miracles can happen. ('course, i've also had it the other way, the mediocre student who becomes truly awful, but let's not dwell.)

    i was also taken aback by the nonchalance of the ob's office once i was knocked up. i found some hysterical crying -- i mean that metaphorically; don't ask your ute to weep -- worked wonders in that department.

    as for bunbun, i am sure she, like the bean, will manage the ideal blend of being happy enough with the non-you carer not to worry you too much, while still seeming appropriately sorry to see you leave. will you be home before she's abed? coming home when he's already asleep was (and will be again, next week) the worst.

  9. It matters if they have the equipment in house. Some practices did not have the dildo cam. Unfortunately, 50/50 sounds right. Sorry on that. If you had spotting, they will more than likely check it.

    Students. The kind of students like that are not something to make you all dead poets society, for shiz. I will send a smart weirdo vibe due west and hope it attracts a few more interesting and teach-worthy subjects. Otherwise, announce that the last person to survive your course will get the only non failing grade ala survivor. Distribute nun chucks and sit back.

    Leaving the bun would be hard indeed. You have got a well adjusted bebeh to hale her be happy with her care. You are mama no matter what.

  10. Oh, the joys of teaching in January. After a mat leave. And pregnant. I can see that one would probably opt to stay home (if one could and not loose her job) and admire that cuteness roll onto her knees, instead of putting up with the ignorant, trying to make them less so, in vain. I pull out the ol' Nike adage, and say, just do it, Bunny.
    I am glad to read that Bun Bun and her mama are adjusting well to the nanny arrangement, despite the alien smell (that would drive me bananas).
    I hope you get an u/s on Friday, or at least scheduled for one very soon if it has to be somewhere else.

  11. Bug used to cry when I left him at daycare, and then he didn't any more but at least he'd JUMP UP AND DOWN as hard as he could when I walked in the door. So I hope Bun Bun does the same (the jumping, not the crying). Because your nanny is surely awesome, but Mama is more awesome.

    Here's hoping for an ultrasound without the need for waterworks. Either before or after, at that. (I am still astonished that when I called the midwives re:Tater about a year ago, they didn't even make me pee in a cup. WTF.)

  12. It can be a bit hard on your heart when they do so well without you, but I think it's worse when they are miserable all day. My 2year old, B, was (after the first 2 weeks adjustment), perfectly happy at daycare, crawling then running off without a backwards glance and needing to be coaxed to leave in the evening. It made us wonder if he liked them better than us. And then suddenly around 20 months he started crying at drop-off and other times throughout the day and I would cry too. He's better now, but still tears at drop-off most days. Having had both sides of the coin, I definitely prefer the happy-without-me phase.
    And yes, ask for an US. My OB did one at my 9 week visit both times (though I'd already had a couple at the RE). Not sure if it was BECAUSE I came from the RE or if they do it for everyone. Funny, I never asked my fertile friends if they got a dildo cam at their first OB appt.

  13. They should definitely give you an ultrasound. Both in the sense of "ought to" and in the sense of "it is the medically responsible thing to do". If, for no other reason, to understand the cause of bleeding. And if they don't, I'd insist.

    Ah, the start of the semester. Hard enough. Kind of excruciating when you've been away. And even more so when you are confronted by a roster of duds. Sadly, I've been there. Also, my classes are always slightly underenrolled when I've been away. Out of sight, out of mind (those fickle students:). But I'm hoping that there are a few bright sparks who make the whole thing worthwhile. Other than the paycheck. Which, frankly, is important but hardly inspiring.

    And Bun Bun will only have one Mama Bunny. No matter what she smells like.

    (I hope these first few days have gone okay).

  14. Now I'm totally stalking you. I thought of you all day yesterday. Hope all is well and that you got more than a "see you again in 4 weeks" appointment.

  15. Oh yeah, the joys coaching within The month of january. From a yoga exercise mat keep. And also expecting. I can tell that particular may possibly decide to stay home (if one could instead of loose the woman's task) and appreciate that will cuteness rotate on the girl knees, as an alternative to enduring your badly informed, working to make these significantly less consequently, useless. I take out the particular old Nike maxime, along with say, accomplish that, Bunnie.
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