Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for not spitting on me. As many of you said, it's silly to feel so dreadful about something so wonderful, but I think you also understand that it's impossible not to. So many of the people I've come to care about are going through particularly awful things right now...I feel like I've been suddenly transformed into your annoying fertile friend who's always popping out babies while you suffer. I guess I'll just do my best to not be an asshole (which I'm super good at, right?), but please, if you can't bear to read this space anymore, don't feel one bit conflicted about going away forever. Or at least until things are better for you, which I dearly hope will be very, very soon.
And thank you also for offering reassurance. I have nothing new to report on the uterine front. I've had a couple more spotting episodes, and some stabbing back pain that made me certain I'd wake up in a pool of blood, but I haven't. So far. My appointment is on the 20th. I considered asking that it be moved up, but I decided I simply don't want to know. That may seem bizarre, but I'm about to go through a major transition life-wise, and I don't think I could handle bad news.
I'm going back to work next week. In fact, today is my last real day with Bun Bun, as the rest of this week will be Nanny Transition Week.
Yes, we've decided to go the nanny route, which is impossible for me to wrap my head around. I vividly recall how scornful I was of the professor in grad school who had a nanny when her kids were young. Nanny = someone else raising your kids, right? Obviously. I wish she were just a babysitter, but sadly, she's got actual nanny credentials, so I pretty much have to refer to her as a nanny. She's a sweet, calm, quiet young thing and I think she'll be just right for Bun Bun. It might have helped seal the deal when she revealed that she's got a pet rabbit. Not that I approve of rabbits being kept as pets--we deserve to be FREE, but still, it means she should be good at taking care of my baby bunny.
So, I have faith in Bun Bun's new caregiver, and I am so grateful to have the luxury of bringing someone in*, but I still go all blank in the head when I think about leaving her. I am trusting that it will get easier quickly, which is what many of you have promised.
It doesn't help that I am NOT excited to go back to work, and that I can't quite fathom actually pulling it off. It's been a loooong time since I had to actually work. Ill be teaching two classes, which I haven't done for over a year, and I supposedly also have this research program? Or something? None of it feels real, and I'm just foggy and numb. And scared, and sad, and...FREAKED OUT pretty much covers it.
So anyway, that's why I don't want to add an ultrasound to the mix. Sure, it might be reassuring news, but if not, where exactly do I fit in a D&C?
*Not because taking her somewhere would be bad, no, I don't think that at all, just because it makes a lot of sense for us.