Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for not spitting on me. As many of you said, it's silly to feel so dreadful about something so wonderful, but I think you also understand that it's impossible not to. So many of the people I've come to care about are going through particularly awful things right now...I feel like I've been suddenly transformed into your annoying fertile friend who's always popping out babies while you suffer. I guess I'll just do my best to not be an asshole (which I'm super good at, right?), but please, if you can't bear to read this space anymore, don't feel one bit conflicted about going away forever. Or at least until things are better for you, which I dearly hope will be very, very soon.
And thank you also for offering reassurance. I have nothing new to report on the uterine front. I've had a couple more spotting episodes, and some stabbing back pain that made me certain I'd wake up in a pool of blood, but I haven't. So far. My appointment is on the 20th. I considered asking that it be moved up, but I decided I simply don't want to know. That may seem bizarre, but I'm about to go through a major transition life-wise, and I don't think I could handle bad news.
I'm going back to work next week. In fact, today is my last real day with Bun Bun, as the rest of this week will be Nanny Transition Week.
Yes, we've decided to go the nanny route, which is impossible for me to wrap my head around. I vividly recall how scornful I was of the professor in grad school who had a nanny when her kids were young. Nanny = someone else raising your kids, right? Obviously. I wish she were just a babysitter, but sadly, she's got actual nanny credentials, so I pretty much have to refer to her as a nanny. She's a sweet, calm, quiet young thing and I think she'll be just right for Bun Bun. It might have helped seal the deal when she revealed that she's got a pet rabbit. Not that I approve of rabbits being kept as pets--we deserve to be FREE, but still, it means she should be good at taking care of my baby bunny.
So, I have faith in Bun Bun's new caregiver, and I am so grateful to have the luxury of bringing someone in*, but I still go all blank in the head when I think about leaving her. I am trusting that it will get easier quickly, which is what many of you have promised.
It doesn't help that I am NOT excited to go back to work, and that I can't quite fathom actually pulling it off. It's been a loooong time since I had to actually work. Ill be teaching two classes, which I haven't done for over a year, and I supposedly also have this research program? Or something? None of it feels real, and I'm just foggy and numb. And scared, and sad, and...FREAKED OUT pretty much covers it.
So anyway, that's why I don't want to add an ultrasound to the mix. Sure, it might be reassuring news, but if not, where exactly do I fit in a D&C?
*Not because taking her somewhere would be bad, no, I don't think that at all, just because it makes a lot of sense for us.
Why are you freaked out? This is such a piddly amount of totally unstressful stuff...sheesh, Bunny. Get a grip.
ReplyDeleteHardee-har. I keed, I keed. This is a MASSIVE amount of change and emotion and all of these stit-tastic feelings are to be expected. I am delighted to hear that the wtf-pregnancy symptoms are settling a little, and that BunBunBun is hanging in there just fine (presumably) so far. Side note: Maybe this one can be Ny-Ny? Like the Knights Who Say Nee? Or Real Housewives of Atlanta? :)
In a way, I suspect this new stuff will serve as a meaningful distraction to your transition back to work (hopefully this, rather than an exacerbation). And then in 2 weeks, the work will be a meaningful distraction from your anxiety over BunBunBun/Ny-Ny's scan. So, I thusly predict it will all work out in the end. You're welcome.
Keep us posted on how the nanny is working out for you, not only for yourself, but as an educational help to us (pretty please?). If I am lucky enough to get knocked up again, I may consider the same option for bebe numero dos, since I now freelance part-time from home and it would be a gentler transition back to work for me. So, I'll be paying attention like a good student.
Rooting for you and Ny-Ny all the way, friend.
Hey, I'm a housewife, and there are a lot of days I would happily pay someone else to raise my children. Except then I'd need an actual job to, y'know, PAY for it.
ReplyDeleteI can see not wanting to know. As long as the uncertainty isn't causing you grief, and you don't feel ill... knowing won't change anything.
Good luck with work. It is hard, no doubt about that. As far as feeling guilty about hitting the jackpot. Don't do that. Enjoy it best you can. Not everyone is infertile for life, or starts out infertile. My first was an accident (but totally wanted more than anything) and then #2 was so so hard to get. You never know how your family will come about. Although now you will most likely need to use BC unless you want a third! Yikes.
ReplyDeleteYup, those are some big transitions alright. I love the nanny idea. Brilliant. And she likes bunnies, so it's obviously going to work out. I hope the transition back to work goes as smoothly as possible. It's a big change of gears, but you will make it happen. And as far as an u/s and what follows either way, the world, your job, your chair, your students, will have to adjust to your schedule. And it is my experience that when you tell the world this is what I can and cannot do, people adapt.
ReplyDeleteGlad to hear the spotting hasn't gotten worse. I'm thinking good thoughts for you.
ReplyDeleteOh. Yeah. I remember that feeling. That completely scared out of my mind panicked feeling at going back to work.
What I've found, though, is that I love the duality. I love having my grown-up place, and I love having my home-place. But I also learned in my maternity leave that I'm not really cut out for staying at home (take that, Anon. I don't WANT to stay home, AND I happen to think I'm a pretty good mom). I'm sure it would be a lot harder if I absolutely loved being at home.
What will make all of the difference, of course, is how BunBun does with the nanny. If she's happy, then at first you'll be jealous, but eventually it will ease your mind to know that she's happy while you're being Bunny and doing Bunny things.
Good luck with the trial runs this week!
continuing to hope for you
ReplyDeleteMe too! The going back to work part. Very stressful indeed and I also believe that somehow all my mad psych nurse skills have vanished and I will be called out as a phony. Fun yup lookin forward to it, although some adult would be good. Wishing you a smooth transition and a good u/s!
ReplyDeleteIt's okay to "not know" until the 20th and just be in that in-between place.
ReplyDeleteGlad you found a nanny to look after bun-bun. I plan on going down that route, as I have to go to work (primary bread-winner, that I am).
Keep breathing and keep us updated!
Also, this comes to mind. You may recall Glinda, the Good OB? Well she was a bleeding mofo during her pregnancy. Woke up one night to a "POOL" of blood (her words, not mine) in her bed.
ReplyDeleteThat baby is fine and beautiful, a former classmate of Toddlerina's. I know her well.
I think a nanny sounds magnificent. Trust your gut that says she is all that goodness.
I sorta giggle at all the references to Anon, its like she's your very own evil co-author or something. I wonder if your anon is the same as mine. That would be neato.
ReplyDeleteAs far as the going back to work, well, here's the best part about it. You've got flexibility around it all. The beauty of your profession (and mine, incidentally) is that if I have a low key afternoon and an open agenda I get to go and pick my little man up early and spend some time with him. You've got the same thing and you're so very fortunate...although I also highly recommend creating a small nap space under your desk and locking your office door and catching some zzzz's during some downtimes...because having a baby and gestating a baby is exhausting!
Baby hoarder... ;)
Where have I been! Just getting caught up and this! :) it must be shocking. I hope you are doing OK. Bleeding is stressful and with everything else going on you have a lot on your plate. I wish only good things for you. An easy transition back to work and only good news with your new bun bun in the oven.
ReplyDeleteBunny, I wanted to say congrats to you! I'm hoping everything is just perfect in there. I hope your transition week goes well. I'm getting some stupid remarks from my MIL when we say anything about daycare for our future baby. Whatever. =)
ReplyDeleteJeebus, what a complicated few weeks ahead. I feel like waiting is a great plan. There's not much you can do at this point other than, so waiting seems like a reasonable option. Your nanny sounds like a good option and really a catch of a caregiver. Teaching? Hrmm...do multiple choice tests fly these days? Line up the scantrons, sister.
ReplyDeleteI am going to forget the D&C bit as I don't want you to go through that. You've been in enough trenches without the need for more. I will be thinking of you until then and say wee prayers that school, baby bun care, and baby bun número dos all go smoothly.
One of the first things that popped in my head reading your last post was, "Oh shit, isn't the big back-to-work transition soon, too???" A nanny sounds like a divine answer to the daycare question, and I feel darn confident that BunBun will do beautifully. I hope the nanny doesn't mind babies who use swear words, though. Here's hoping for a gentle week for both of you....
ReplyDeleteX
I agree with Jem. It's OK not to know. And I want to offer up my own story of bleeding, when I wasn't yet six weeks pregnant with my daughter and had a terrible bleeding episode--the only reason it wasn't a pool of blood was because I felt it happening and was within a three second dash of the toilet. An hour later, I was at my clinic being shown a very much attached embryo sac on the ultrasound along with the haematoma that was actually causing the bleeding.
ReplyDeleteI continued to bleed at a period level for most of the first trimester. It got very old very quickly, but never did any harm. My daughter will be celebrating her first birthday in a month!
I hope your story has a similar ending (and that you get to omit any pools of blood). Regardless, congratulations on your pregnancy.
Also, I'd be conflicted over getting a nanny as well, but I'd totally do it. Childcare is all about what works best for you.
I think it's great (and important) that you have found someone that you can trust and that you feel is right to care for Bun Bun when you go back to work. I'm sure that this transition must be very hard.
ReplyDeleteAs for the other bit, the 20th is not far away. I can understand not wanting to know. BUt I think all is going to be well. Therefore, you will only have to go back to work for one semester, right? At least, teaching wise?
but! if you don't get a scan, how am i supposed to know whether to call you a fertile whore or an elitist bitch?
ReplyDeletejust kidding. you'll always be my feminazi snob.
xo
ps. my word verification is "bunday." so. have a happy one!
(I do understand.)
ReplyDeleteI wish a completely painless academic re-entry for you. Wonderful, engaged students. Helpful colleagues. Research that just explodes with sheer momentum. And a perfect nannying situation. (I had to laugh at college-aged Bunny turning up her nose at your prof who had a nanny, of all things... yeah, me too... amazing how things change, eh?)
I assumed that the transition back to work was behind your silence - it's really sufficient all on it's own but you felt the need to throw in an unexpected pregnancy AND a pregnancy scare to make things extra interesting. I'm assuming you did that to keep your readers interested so that we will forgive you when teaching, research, parenting and pregnancy make it a tad difficult to do much blogging. Forgiven.
ReplyDeleteI'm happy that you found a nanny that you like. Since Bun Bun will be happy, a difficult transition will be a little more acceptable. I know I'm not one to talk since I still haven't succeeded at transitioning back to work after baby but I can tell you that I understand the apprehension about it. I also have a very clear inside view of the unplanned pregnancy experience, coincidentally, so now I am triply thrilled about yours - it's nice to be in good company.
I'll be sending lots of positive thoughts toward all of it.
Bunny! A new baby bunny for you (quite possibly)! Wow, I go away for a while...
ReplyDeleteI was a nanny, I was awesome, I hope your nanny is as awesome for you and for Bun Bun as I was for my tiny charges.
Fingers crossed for the ultrasound!
Big doings! I'm so glad you feel great about the nanny. And I hope the transition back into work goes well. You might do well to set some very modest goals for scholarship for the semester, stuff you could actually do.
ReplyDeleteI so hope the appointment on the 20th brings good news about your little twinkle.