It's ALIVE

I had to beg for an ultrasound, but I got one, and there's a real live fetus in there. I say fetus because I'm nine weeks today. The fetus, who shall be known as Bunlet (Mr. Bunny chose it) has a heart (with beating), and what appears to be a head, too.

It was such a strange and different experience. Last time, it was my trusty RE who wanded me, and he was practically triumphant when he found that little blob. Mr. Bunny was by my side, and the joy of the moment was indescribable. This time, my OB seemed surprised that I wanted a scan. I explained that I'd had some spotting and that my symptoms had abruptly vanished right after, and she became concerned. And while I was concerned too, seeing her become concerned made me feel like crying. But at this practice, the ultrasound suite is a separate entity, so she had to see if they could squeeze me in. She said it probably wouldn't be the same day, so Mr. Bunny went home. And then they could squeeze me in, but I was being treated as something scary, and I was now alone, and I became more and more tearful, and I thought a lot about the many women I know who have had to sit in the room with the feelings of doom surrounding them and everyone being abrupt and emotionless because they fear they are about to deliver bad news... And then they probed me, and there it was, my precious fetus. Everything as it should be. And I felt like the angel of death had hovered over me and then decided to pass me by, even though in reality I was just being histrionic the whole time and Normal Women (whoever they are) don't even pay attention to things like spotting and absence of symptoms and don't expect all pregnancies to end in death.

So. That's that. And the only thing that feels like last time is that I have to rush off to a hideous three hour committee meeting and can't really even pause to digest this.

(But I do want to say, however awkwardly, that if you are really struggling with your family building right now and are hurting and beat down, and reading about this just makes you too sad, this would be a good time to leave and not come back until things are better for you, which I SO hope is soon, and not like you need my permission to leave or anything, but I sure understand and would never want to cause you pain, but I can't help it, this is just what's happened to me.)