Monday, May 3, 2010

Do you ever forget what it's all for?

Lately I've been feeling strangely detached about the whole baby thing. The notion of an actual child has become extremely remote and abstract. I still hate pregnant women (not you guys, of course, regular pregnant women), but there's a kind of weariness to it. I still find it unpleasant to be around BFB's baby, but not in any visceral way, more in the way that I don't enjoy attending boring meetings. I still want the whole pregnancy-birth-motherhood package, but not with the same desperation--more in the way I want to get tenure or finish saving my yard from that incredibly invasive weed that's sprung up everywhere. You know, long term projects that I can't do much about at the moment. I'm not sure what's up. It could be the months of waiting behind me or the months of waiting ahead of me, or some combination of the two. I might be exhausted from all the hoping and disappointment. Or I might be trying to distance myself from the whole situation, to make the waiting easier or to protect myself from the despair I'll feel when I don't get that miraculous Instant Pregnancy (just add...well, not exactly water) in August. Maybe I'm realizing that even if I do get solidly, safely pregnant, my life will still have its imperfections. I wasn't a sunny person before this, and I won't be after, even if things go my way. Maybe these drugs are just blunting my emotions. I dunno. Anyone else go through periods where it's an effort to remember what it is you're even working towards?

Recovery notes for Gurlee: For the past few days I've been down to one oxy + 600 mg ibuprofen combos in the morning, one around 2 pm and one before I go to bed. Still no real pain to speak of. Today I skipped my morning oxy (just took the ibuprofen) and waked to work (about a mile). I will probably put in a couple hours of low key catching up stuff.


  1. Sure! I forget (ot it all becomes hazy anyways) nearly every stage 3 and stage 5 (, aka the times when I really CAN'T do anything about it. Like you, right now. I say enjoy this blessed time, as you'll soon be back to obsessing over a 2ww, and (hopefully not!) despairing over your period...

    But yeah, who knows what motherhood will actually be like? Sometimes I worry that It'll really just be one big heartbreak after the kid turns 8 or whatever and just wants to hang out with his/her friends instead of dorky ol' mom. Then I'll (emotionally wrenched) say something like, "DO you know how LONG it took us to conceive you, you ungrateful little brat?" And said little brat will (bored and annoyed) roll his/her eyes and say, "Ew, gross!! I have to go push buttons on my iPhone now..."

    Sounds fun!! Why AM I doing this, again??? Oh yeah, biological clock. Hormones, Uh huh.

    Plus, I'm sort of bored in the evenings without any diapers to change, now that binge drinking doesn't seem that appealing anymore...

  2. god bless you for this post -- and your response, leslie.

    YES. i totally feel like this sometimes, and it scares the bejeezus out of me. like: what am i thinking? is this just some project i got carried away with because the initial difficulty excited my stubborn streak?

    ...i think that's not true. i think it's part of having a child being such a big change that my brain can't actually imagine it very well, and therefore falls back on this apathetic version of sour grapes.

  3. I can say that the 3 weeks I just spent with my sister only reinforced the fact that I want kids and I want them NOW. I loved having a baby to hold and burp and help calm down to go to sleep. I couldn't feed her, but I look forward to feeding my own child one day. I loved the rhythm of the day with two kids - everything we did was for a purpose, and it was so sweet just to look around the table at night and see everyone smiling and happy (or sleeping and happy for the baby) and enjoying each other's company. I know it's not always rainbows and puppy dogs, but even the days when the baby wouldn't stop crying for hours (she reacted to something my sister ate) or my nephew acted out (it was raining and he needed exercise badly), it was still rewarding.
    And they aren't even my kids. I can only imagine how wonderful it will be with my OWN children.
    I think there is always an ebb and flow to the urgency we feel, though. Blame it on the drugs, or hormones, or both, but you couldn't feel this urgency 24/7 without going completely nutso, so I think it's a good thing our bodies/minds give us a break every now and then.

  4. I know for me, bringing in medical intervention (and it's not even IVF) has made something that I thought would be very close, personal and intimate into something more clinical, scientific, and well - detached. I feel less connected to the process, more like an object to be manipulated, and I'm just hoping that if I achieve pregnancy this way, I'll feel differently once life takes hold inside my body.

  5. lately, i've been detaching myself from the whole baby bit and spending most of my time trying to convince myself that i'll be okay with just me and dh. it's been good in that i'm appreciating dh more and since i haven't been as high strung and constantly talking about baby baby baby, things in our household have been quite relaxed and we've (dare i say it), having fun hanging with friends and family. but, with that said, every saturday when i see my newborn nephew, my heart breaks just a little bit bc i want a baby so badly.

    every time we see misbehaved kids, i make dh promise me that our kids won't be like that. we saw a $hitty teenager cursing at his mom the other day, and i was all up dh's a$$ to pinky promise me that if our kids ever say mean things to me, he'll take drastic action (um, what this is, i dunno). and that i can expect kisses from my kids even when they're at the awkward age (dh says he'll force them to) and that they'll hold my hand to cross the street even when teenagers (uh, dh reluctantly agreed to this one, but i suspect he won't really make them do it. he fake pinkied!!! how rude).

    so basically, i'm just in one big state of denial right now.

  6. Of course I get detached from the havin' a baby thing, I mean how can you not after trying for over a year and then having a forced break? Feeling this way seems to ebb and flow depending upon whats going on around me. When are a ready to go, this will probably be a distant memory.
    What I have been experiencing is a lot of annoyance with kids when I am out in public. I want to scream at parents to shut their kid up, or teach them better manners, the horror! I am such a biatch, probably a defense mechanism.
    I love your recovery updates for Gurlee, thanks Bunny, you. are. awesome. So happy to read you walked (!) to work (!) Go you. Glad you are getting out of the opiate haze, although you gotta admit its kind-of fun, no?

  7. I'm in that period right now, I think. Since we're on a pre-IVF break my former life (i.e. my not-obsessed-with-babies life) has largely resumed, to everyone's (i.e. DH's) (okay, and my) relief. We are like we used to be: mostly contented. And I'm trying to savor this current state.

    Maybe for you, part of your detachment comes from being so focused on your surgery, that now that it's over, you're a little discombobulated. And so maybe you just need some time to refocus. (While also savoring your current state?)

  8. I don't think this current detachment is unhealthy at all. My thought is that you're coming to understand, at least for now, that this recovery period for you is beyond your influence. You've done everything you can up to this point, and now it's merely a matter of healing and eventually putting your game plan into action. I genuinely think that this is a healthful, functional response to coping with your mandated-for-reasons-beyond-you break. The time will come when the wistfulness kicks back into 5th gear, but enjoy this peace right now. I think/hope it's good for you.

    I'm impressed that you walked to work today! :)

  9. Yes, I know exactly what you mean. I totally go through periods like this. The roar of wanting to be pregnant/have a baby sometimes quiets to a manageable hum. It's always there, but the intensity fades and increases day to day, and even hour to hour. It's about protecting ourselves. I hope this means you are enjoying some small sense of peace. (((hugs))) You will back in the game and feeling the excitement of the hope very soon. Can't wait for you to get there!

    And btw, GO YOU on getting yourself into the office and walking through the discomfort!!

  10. I'm there right now in the feeling "meh" about babies and pregnancy. I think it's some sort of defense mechanism that pops up when pregnancy is a total impossibility and nothing we can do will help us get pregnant that month.

    It's easy to feel that way in our own homes, but going out in public or seeing other babies just brings the want for a baby back to the surface in an instant. Which is why I'm removing myself from any baby related events for the foreseeable future.

  11. There's a fatigue that comes and goes, and when it comes, you can feel somewhat at peace with where things stand. Because your life is mostly uncomplicated in those moments. Because those moments tend to come when you are on some kind of forced break. There's nothing to control.

    [IF ladies, don't hate, this is just honesty here coming up...] I still have moments of ambiguity about becoming a parent, and even moments when I worry that my life may suck, after the baby is born. I trace it directly to the break in my IVF fatigue that came with a final, successful cycle. I don't know for sure what would have happened or how I would have felt if cycle #3 had failed, but the success brought its own ups and downs to navigate, and sometimes the worries, or even just the goddamned pregnancy symptoms, reduce me to tears from feeling out of control. Looking back, the fatigue was the valley that represented the best time to just be yourself and enjoy life, because the peaks can be hard to climb and the oxygen can get thin.

  12. I have real waves of ambivalence. I find that it is tied to whether I've hit a milestone and have another unappealing hurdle ahead. Also, I'm much more likely to gush over your pet than the baby in the stroller, which I'm sure is equally cute, but has no effect on me.

    That said, my nephew brought out that crazy baby feeling and I hope that will extend to any future offspring. It worryies me a fair bit that it might not.

    I'm thrilled that you are back on your feet and getting in the walking. August seems like ages, but you will be another month down before you know it.

  13. Yes. Often. I think it's a symptom of my general fatigue with everything. There has been all this push, all this effort and sometimes I've found myself concentrating on the struggle rather than the (possible) outcome. As if the process itself has become divorced from ever having a baby, but is just this hamster wheel on which I'm caught.

    But it waxes and it wanes, and then the feeling of possible pointlessness passes. But I think those "meh" moments are a means of self-preservation. NOT in the sense of preparing us for the possibility of it never happening (because I just don't believe that) but rather in terms of the constant wear and tear of it. Maybe it's the hard candy coating to our less-than-sunny personalities.

  14. I get that detached feeling too. I find myself considering future plans that are absolutely incompatible with children and then thinking, "Oh ... wait ..." Defense mechanism or not, I think it's just perfectly natural.

    And your Okavango post actually made me snort laughing in my office. I needed that!

  15. Yes, I totally understand. I think I have realised Detachment as an Art Form. The future baby exists now only in the abstract. (But we are talking about a four year battle here). The constant struggle, the never ending disappointment, it is hard to deal with. You have to give yourself a break at some point. It's a natural defence mechanism, especially for those of us with a not-so-sunny disposition.

  16. Yep - I have detached and then reattached more times than I can count over the last while. It's hard not to distance oneself from the difficulty of trying so hard to achieve something that is completely outside of personal control. I think that's where my detachment usually stems from anyway. Like the fox and the sour grapes.

    "A famished fox saw some clusters of ripe black grapes hanging from a trellised vine. She resorted to all her tricks to get at them, but wearied herself in vain, for she could not reach them. At last she turned away, hiding her disappointment and saying: 'The Grapes are sour, and not ripe as I thought.'"

    I bet they'd have been sweet if she could reach them.


  17. Hi Bunny
    I'm probably going out on a limb here but I think its FANTASTIC that you are feeling this way. It doesn't mean that you want motherhood any less it just means that you are giving yourself a mental break from it all. This is exactly how I felt in the months leading up to my current IVF, I felt so disconnected from the whole thing and really not that eager to jump back on the horse again. But I do believe that those feelings helped me escape the craziness that is TTC. I was able to relax and let other things take over my life for a change. I felt it was just a revelation to have IF in the background of my life for a while and even though I still had terrible days of bitterness and sadness there was less of them overall.
    Oh and congratulations on a fantastic recovery so far. You are doing so well!!!!!