Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Never having sex again

The last time we had the old Intimate Relations, I opted to forgo orgasm. As I've been perfectly willing to discuss before, I don't have an orgasm from intercourse alone. This time, I thought it might be nice to have one. Well, friends, I pissed myself. Yes, just as I was thinking, Hurrah, my first orgasm in almost six months! I perceived an odd wetness. A spreading wetness. A substantial spreading wetness.

WHAT THE FUCK. How come nobody told me this was a THING?!?! Those of you who have had postpartum sex are seriously to blame here.

Or is it just me? It can't just be me!

In case you're curious, I don't think I actually got there, if you know what I mean. I was too surprised. My response was to say, Something...has...happened. I think I'll have to change the sheets.

AND SO: pregnant, parenting, lost all hope of ever being either, I don't care. If you're not doing Kegels RIGHT NOW, you should be.

27 comments:

  1. I had to chuckle. I am 6 months postpartum and while that hasn't happened.. equally shocking was my milk spraying out during the big O. Spraying. Out. Then trying to scramble to catch it because I didn't want to waste it. Not sexy or romantic. All the while trying not to wake the Angel who fights sleep with every ounce of her being and whose room is just a few feet down the hall.

    Love your blog :)

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  2. poor bunny. hoping that this is just a short term side effect.

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  3. Oh no! (And no O!)

    Our bodies just find more and more ways to stick it to us, don't they? At least you will know for next time -- towels. And lots of them.

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  4. Hahahahaha. Oooh. Hahahaha. Oh. I'm sorry. I realize that this is a true medical emergency in your world but in my world this is AWESOME. And sorry, I didn't pee when I O'ed for the first time after baby but that MAY be because I varted instead. Just saying. One or the other maybe? At least it wasn't both?

    (still laughing...)

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  5. Oh no.....that sucks (te-hee!). That did not happen to me and I had a c-section too. Not sure what to tell ya except getting older sucks.

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  6. As horrifying as it is, I imagine that it is not uncommon. The shock of the big might have just let you cut loose, so to speak. Lordy, when they say things change, you'd think this would be high on up with stretch marks and shit.

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  7. Well. Until recently, I experienced hardcore milk letdown during sexytime (which feels decidedly NOT SEXY), but I haven't peed myself. If it makes you feel any better, while going through vaginal labor and delivery, I pood myself repeatedly while pushing Jackson out of my birthing taco. You'd have thought I consumed a hearty steak dinner prior to L&D. I had to give up on dignity at some point if I was to ever get him out of my womb. So, my point is, I guess we all pay for it somehow.

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  8. Oh my! Well I think I've faked all of them so I can't tell you...but I will say there are days when I need a poise. Terrible..

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  9. That is not fun. I actually have not had that partcularly repurcussion from childbirth occur. I'm still stuck with the fissures.

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  10. Oh. Mah. Gawd.

    The last thing the OB said to me? That I should hop on the kegel train just as quickly as I could.

    (I'm doing them as I type this.)

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  11. OK -- definitely laughing. But with you, I promise. Good on you for giving intimate relations another go. I've climbed back in the saddle, so to speak, as well, and well, hmmm.
    Despite the fact that I have a 6 inch scar (known as "the cat door" in our house) I think that c-section might actually be easier. Or at least drier.

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  12. Oh Noooo. Don't give up. I don't know what happened there but I still think you need to give it time. I have almost never O'd from intercourse (without some extra help of some kind) and all of a sudden I found recently that I could (to my complete surprise). Ok, it might have been due to the fact that I was on the heels of living essentially sex-free for a cool 2 years, but still. Things can change a lot.

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  13. I had my first sneeze/pee the other day and was horrified. I need to do those Kegels daily, don't I? Should I put it on my calendar to remind me?

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  14. I try my best to do Kegels, but, you see, the first time I ever learned about Kegels was when I was a young'un, and it was from an episode of Night Court. So now, whenever I try to do them, I instantly think of Dan Laroquette, and that stops my vagina right in its tracks. OY.

    The other day I peed a little when I sneezed. Coincidentally this was the same day in which Arlo shook hands with a turd, so, you know, all around GREAT day in my house.

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  15. I am definitely clenching, does that count?

    Oh, blimey, bunny. The capacity of the human body to do weird things never fails to amaze me.

    Good thing we all have one - we're all subject to it, at the very least.

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  16. I have to ensure a fully empty bladder before sex and I also try to run around in other rooms of the house, pretending to do things, so I can let off any gas. I haven't actually peed, but I've come close enough for comfort.....farting....well that I can't seem to control. I have about a 90% chance of farting when I orgasm.

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  17. omigod, bunny. I'm so sorry. Don't give up, though.

    Kegeling now.

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  18. I would welcome the chance to piss on myself if I could O. In all fairness to my husband we have only had sex 2 times since having my babeee. The first time I was so distracted by the intense burning that I couldn't even consider orgasm. This last time I was tired and covered in spit up so orgasm was not in the cards. I am waiting to O and may just burst into flames which will make your little peeing situation nothing. Oh and thanks for the suggestion... kegals it is.

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  19. Can't let you think you're the only one this has ever happened to! It's happened to me a couple times, too...sexy!

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  20. Orgasm, sneezing, coughing, laughing, occasionally just breathing and there is peeing going on here ;) My little man is 15 months old today and it's still an 'issue'...I have kegeled and kegeled and kegeled. I had a 3rd-4th degree tear. No bladder control at 30 bites ;) Definitely not just you!

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  21. Omfg! That is so not fair. "Doing kegels frantically over here "

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  22. i may never un-kegel again. criminy.

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  23. OMG I am rolling around laughing ... at the comments! Poor Bunny, that's happened to me once (long before I had a bebe). It was completely horrifying and it took me a while to trust my nether regions again. I hope that this is a once off for you as it was for me and I'm kegeling as I type.

    x

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  24. Oh no! I'm sorry, but I laughed at your post, and then I laughed some more at all the comments... Kegel it up!

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  25. Did you know that women can ejaculate/squirt too? Doesn't happen every time but it can happen. Keep a towel handy!

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  26. well, that settles it. We'll adopt then.

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  27. I just kegeled the kitchen chair up into my vag.

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