Thursday, July 1, 2010

Fireworks. By which I am euphemistically referring to ORGASMS.

My husband is out drinking with his buddies so it's time to talk about the female orgasm. This post might go a little too far for you, so if you're not interested in learning some super personal stuff about my marital bed, it's not too late to skip this one. But keep in mind that I shared a picture of my uterus with you, so you owe me the details of your intimate life. And you can always comment anonymously if you're shy...

BFB and I were chatting about orgasms the other day. She has them through intercourse, I don't (which is perfectly normal, in case this is news to you). While I'm sometimes willing to do the extra work to have a during experience, I'm happy with before or after. Anyway, the discussion got me thinking that the whole timed intercourse thing might be easier on women like me. Here's my logic. When we're having sex during my fertile window, by the last day or two I don't even bother to come. I'm so bored with the whole thing I just want to get the business part taken care of. Sure, foreplay is needed, but then it's straight to work. And Mr. Bunny can be totally efficient about it, because he's only got himself to take care of. Whereas if the process were expected to result in mutual orgasm, it seems like it would be a lot more stressful for him. Possibly more fun for me and all, but I don't really know that fun enters into it for most of us anymore.

Maybe this is one of those things where whatever is normal for you seems less stressful. Like if you DO come via intercourse you might be thinking my situation sounds very stressful. Or maybe you're too busy thinking my sex life sounds really joyless and pathetic. WELL IT IS. But only some of the time, which is one of the many reasons I don't like the prospect of returning to the conception mines. Anyway, if there's anyone who's willing to share (*sound of crickets chirping*), I'm sure curious about how the other half lives, and just generally curious about how other infertile women deal with the big O.


  1. Hi! I've shared all the gory details of my husband's sexual issues (against his knowledge and wishes, I must add), so I might as well share mine, too!

    I'm like you, I don't finish from vaginal intercourse. Before or after is generally fine for me (actually, I prefer after because then I can go right to sleep :) ). And at the right time of the month, I don't even need foreplay, I'm just ready.

    It gets to a point where you just want to get the job done with as few complicating factors as possible. And I'm perfectly willing to forgo my orgasm for a baby, if it comes down to it. That might make me a dreadful feminist or a sperm-hoarding succubus. But I also take a lot of pleasure--sexual and otherwise--from knowing that LG and I have tried to make a child.

    Which is not to say it's always so single minded. Just sometimes.

  2. I am so glad you posted this and not at all shy. I am like with the big o, there is no way it is happening from just sex. When we are ttc, it is the most terrible kind of sex ever, very unsexy. IF has certainly taken its major toll on our sex life, it is overall much less frequent and much less enjoyable. This cycle I was happy that we could do the IUI so they could basically have sex for us, much less pressure.
    If I am being honest, since we lost the baby, I often feel on the verge of tears during sex. Nothing says sexy than a crying woman. I may have just outed myself as a crazy, mourning woman. ugh.
    My therapist has suggested that we focus on date nights and non-sexual touching (like cuddling and hugging) to take the sex pressure off.

  3. cgd, the first time we had sex after the miscarriage, I felt like you. Like it was all just way too painful and making me think of what we had lost.

    But now (7 months later) it's fun again.

  4. is not fun anymore. we weren't supposed to get pregnant last month, so the only time we pretty much did the deed was when AF was visiting...and I got pregnant. Then I miscarried. Now I am terrified of sex because who knows if I will get pregnant at a random time and most like miscarry that one too. I think 'fear of the dirty' is perfectly normal.

  5. ohhhh sex talk!
    When we were having sex to make a baby I was the same as you Bunny... just happy to sacrifice an orgasm to get a baby and no I don't orgasm the vaginal variety.... its the other kind for me too. But now that we've realised that having sex will probably never create a baby for us sex has become much better again. I hated that when we were having ttc sex my mind was always ticking and preocupied and thats what makes it so unenjoyable because its more like a business transaction.
    Like cgd, the first few times we had sex recently, after the m/c, I just felt so emotional and on the verge of tears so I guess as hard as I try to separate sex and babies it obviously doesn't work all the time.

  6. Wait, people have sex to make a baby? How quaint. ;)

    Ugh, I know I've overshared in the distant past about our sexual tension issues, mostly stemming from the hub's assertion that we don't have it enough, which made him feel like he was undesired in some way, which in turn broke my two-sizes-too-small heart, which made me feel like a if the infertility hadn't already made that abundantly clear. Really messy territory. :( These discussions were always incredibly difficult to bear, but we ususally came out okay on the other side.

    I, too, am not an O-er through intercourse alone. I, erm, require a little manual assistance if we're going to try to tackle a mutual finish. And we're totally both comfortable with that. It works for us.

    I found that TTC sex was mostly rote and functional, and half of the time we were talking about crap like who's taking the cat to the vet tomorrow. During, y'all. And rarely did I even bother with the orgasm, because that's just more work and I was exhausted. How romantic, right? I have found that this pregnancy has breathed some life back into our sex life in that it has entirely released us from the pressure. It's just regular ol' sex again, for no other purpose than focusing on each other.

  7. Muchisimo sympathy on the deadening effect of obligatory sex on the enjoyment of same. Because, groan! (But not the good kind).
    It's a lie that the orgasm favours conception, isn't it? TELL ME IT'S A LIE. Please?
    To feel pressurised to have one, does not help.


  8. Nope, not shy. I don't orgasm vaginally either. I usually come first, then we have the sex that makes babies (supposedly).

    The first time we had real let's-try-to-make-a-baby-sex, my husband had difficulty performing (little did we know I wasn't ovulating). It was the first time that had ever happened, and wow, my reaction was not exactly supportive.

    It was a surprising night for both of us. Since then, things have been better, but once I start ovulating again (i hope), I can see it getting stressful and not so much fun.

  9. I always seem to want to talk about sex on my blog, I am glad to see you doing it (in more ways than one, durr)too.
    I seem like one of the few that has the pleasure of intercourse O, almost everytime. But when it gets down to like the 7th day in a row or something difficult like that, I just want hubs to do the deed, no need for me to be pleasured too. Its sad, I fear the return to the conception mines too. While taking this forced break its been great to have sex for fun, no baby-making thoughts involved.

  10. Hmmm, I'm an outlier in this small sample. Not only do I O during s.ex, I also feel really ripped off if it doesn't happen.

    That said - we have had two bad-sexytime phases in the 29 months we were TTCing.

    First was a two month period in mid-2008 when tBG realised that he had to do it on demand and not because I was feeling super-horn-ily attracted to his hunky self (soul-destroying news) and he found it difficult. Then last year just before we started IVF I got vulvar vestibulitis and everything sexytime hurt for a while.

    But other than those times our sexytimes are mostly regular, occur during the whole month and are pretty awesome for us both.

    I figure that whatever one is happy with is what will work well. If I didn't have orgasms I'm not sure I would bother with sexytime at all akshully. And if that was the case and I wanted to make a bebe with tBG (and sex would do that for us) then I would only have bothered during my fertile window (*snort* - like from 1986-2003 apparently).

  11. Sometimes "just sex" does it for me, but not very often. The first couple days of "fertile window" sex are usually pretty good but after that ... I'm bored and completely over it. But my body doesn't like to ovulate when I think it should, so sometimes we end up having sex something ridiculous - like FIVE days in a row. OMG, too much. We don't even have that much sex on vacation.

    It's not that I'm forgoing an orgasm for a baby, it's that I don't even want one. I don't even want to have sex, I just want his sperm. And he doesn't want to have sex, but he wants to get me pregnant so I'll stop harping about it all the damn time, so he obliges.

    Well, most of the time. Sometimes he doesn't oblige (or is, er, "unable" to), and then Messy Tears and Rages of Why Do You Hate Me Don't You Want A Family abound.

    Good times. Go IF.

  12. i don't think most girls can O from just sex, yah?? when we first started ttc, i wanted to O every time, bc i heard the contractions help the sperm on their journey. now, since i don't do the other O (ovulation), i couldn't give a crap about O-ing. 25% of the time i'll want one, the other times, i'm just too tired. i think karma has come to bite me in the a$$, bc up until ttc, i always wanted sexy-time more than dh (greedy me wanted 4-5 x's a week and he, being an old man, he said, wanted just 2-3x's a week). well now ... he still wants 2-3x's a week and i'm down to once a week. so i just give in, but definitely not O-ing most of the time.

    sounds kinda pathetic seeing it written down :o(

  13. Thanks for this post. It's nice to have some fun stuff to chat about.

    When I am not on clomid, around CD10 to CD17 I notice lots more hot men in my vicinity. They don't appear until then. This always cracks me up. Go evolution! I once had an incident where I was close to ovulation and saw Gladiator on tv with Russell Crow. (I don't even like him) But at the time he was so f*cking hot. It was like I was in heat. Pathetic. Unfortunately I had a friend over and she still teases me to this day about how hot I thought he was... That was the point in my life I know hormones could make you crazy.

    I pretty much only O from sex. TTC ruins sex as pretty much most IF bloggers confirm if you read their blogs long enough. I try for one but when we are only having baby making sex it can be hard, since I wasn't necessarily in the mood. Which makes me really appreciate my dh who always comes on demand. We are both sick of this ttc sex and ready for some vacation sex, which is always way better.

    Thanks for letting me overshare!

  14. Ladies, thank you. I'm glad I'm not the only one not living in a romance novel. Baby sex was super hot for me the first month of TTC. Then after I got my period that first time, baby sex became so filled with stress that I've barely tolerated it ever since. And it kinda ruined it for us for the non-fertile parts of the month, too. It's only been in the last few months that we are having fun again during non-fertile times. But baby making sex is still... not good. I try to pretend, for his sake, but, yeah, after the 4th or 5th time I start to wish I could just lay there and read a book or check my email or something. Sorry, DH.

  15. Oooooooo, sex talk! Thank you, Bunny, for this public service. And as you can see the crickets have fallen silent.

    In our case, sometimes it happens in, er, media res, sometimes after (50/50, I would say). And because I happened to once read an article that said the big O actually aids conception by, ahem, suctioning all those swimmers up into the uterus...well, let's just say that I was a very demanding bedfellow there for awhile, but the timing was very important. I was like a general barking out orders (i.e., entirely unsexy). The worst, though, is that it was O'ing with a purpose. And, really, nothing puts a damper on things like O'ing with a purpose (when said purpose has nothing to do with pleasure). It was a lot of pressure on both of us.

    Lately, though, we've reached a phase such as Egghunt and Trinity describe. We can't imagine sex without the help of science resulting in an actual pregnancy (because it hasn't for so darned long). And so now that the pressure is off things are much nicer.

  16. I am like Pundelina and Gurlee--I have orgasms during intercourse (since we're oversharing--usually once before him and once again after him), but only in certain positions. And if I don't, not only do I feel ripped off, but I get really crabby and no-fun. Not for me to suffer in silence!

    We have tried really hard to keep sex-as-loving-part-of-our-relationship away from the mental space of TTC, and a few months ago I would have told you we were succeeding, but the recent evidence speaks for itself: since mid-May when we found out I can't get pregnant at all, we have had hardly any sex at all! I think we both needed a break and didn't even know it. There is such a thing as too much sex, and I think we were having it.

    @ N--I am with you on the sexy men who show up during the second week of my cycle! It's like they come out of the woodwork for my viewing pleasure! :-)

  17. I do O during sex, in fact it's more enjoyable for me than any other way. It's actually made this whole TTC thing more fun for me all these years, b/c since there's all that the other stuff you can't do in the fertile times (you know, the whole saliva killing sperm, and all that), at least we can both have fun! I don't have an orgasm every night (too tired or whatever), but I don't really worry about it because it's just one day and not to toot our own horn or anything, but we have a LOT of sex, so there is ample opportunity for me later.
    My main concerns are making sure Hubby feels "in the mood" - I don't ever want him to feel like we're just doing it for a baby. And every month we are disappointed by a bfn, he just tells me I'm lucky I'm hot 'cuz he wants to do me all the time, haha.
    I am very thankful that after all of these years things are still hot and heavy, but it takes work to make it NOT feel like "work".

  18. I love how open your posts are, Bunny, and you know how TMI I am. I have to say that baby aside, I'm seethingly jealous of your BFB's ability (and some others here) to O vaginally. It's only happened once with me, and that was after a 3 month dry spell, and I'm not really willing to wait that long since like you (and some others here) can O the other way. And usually in our bed, it's ladies first. :)

    With TTC'ing, most times DH will want me to O because he's really into it, but a lot of times we'll just do a quickie since I take longer. It usually depends on how much time/energy we have. I think what affects our TTC sex life more than O is my obsession with positions and not losing sperm, having a tilted uterus and all.

  19. So, I would have commented on this sooner but I got all paranoid about reading and / or commenting on a post about orgasms on my work computer :-).

    So, I'm one that also can O by sex alone, though it does take tons of concentration and specific positions and doesn't always happen. So most of the time during the sex for baby time, I just don't bother even trying and kind of order hubs to just get it over with. O, so romantic, I know. Luckily, he's never had a problem, umm, rising to the occasion so it works for us. And then the rest of the month is sex for fun. It gets exhausting and annoying by the end of the "fertile" period.

    It also helped a ton when we started with the IUIs that sex was then ONLY for fun and we could just do whatever we wanted sex wise the rest of the month. And we haven't had TTC sex in 8 months or so, like you, I am really not looking forward to going back to the sex for conception. It's so...mechanical.

  20. So I'm in the camp of "sometimes O during intercourse" but I have to be honest, during the Bataan death march of our attempts at conception, I pretty much gave that up and just tried be sure we managed to actually have sex at the right time (and Trinity, don't you worry about talking about the cat. I've had a conference call on speakerphone. We had it muted, but it was still there. Very very sexy.)

    Overall, I can't say that the TTC has been good for our sex life... we continue to try to make it fun and exciting, but there are so many rules, and the discussions of spotting, progesterone suppositories, etc etc are just not super sexy for the Boy.

    To think, some people have awesome, fun, mutually satisfying sex AND get a baby. Fuckers.

  21. Oh this is an interesting topic. I pretty much always orgasm but only by 'helping myself' at the same time as sex. which pretty much means only one position for the final push. However for everything I read about an orgasm 'sucking up' the sperm I also hear that woman on top isn't as good for conception as missionary. So I figure when I win on one score I lose on the other!