A year later, rather than having a newborn, July brought me a chemical pregnancy.
A year later, rather than having a newborn, July brings my return to the Conception Mines. (See Figure 1.)
I should be pleased, but I find I'm filled with misery. I don't believe this shit will ever work. It's inconceivable (HA!) that I could ever know that moment of amazement and joy that must come with a positive test. (Before all the fear sets in...) There's just no way. Not me.
And yes, I'm feeling very sorry for myself and taking for granted all the things that are awesome about my situation. But that's my fucking prerogative as the person who has to actually live my life.
I know I can handle this. But right now all I can think about is the way my heart felt at the end of every cycle, the way the pain got cumulatively worse as the months rolled by...the way the world is full of happy women who never have to feel this way.
I'm so sorry you are feeling shitty, and I totally think you have every right in the world to feel sorry for yourself -- wallow as much as you need to, because this is crap no matter how you look at it.
ReplyDeleteI'm thinking that the only useful things I can say are:
- I'm sorry this is hard. It's incredibly painful and stressful and you are a good person and don't deserve this sort of pain
- You are not alone in thinking that it will never ever work and that you are doomed to a life of pain and misery
- I find making a plan -- even one I change -- helps. It gives me some sense of control over the fucking spiteful capricious universe
- You are strong and you will live through this, although it would be a whole lot nicer if you didn't have to.
Feel better; I'm thinking about you.
Yeah, I feel you. This shit SUCKS! Why us????? Argh!!!!
ReplyDeleteOf course, you do realize that you are neglecting to acknowledge the fact that you went through major surgery BECAUSE IT WAS GOING TO GET YOU PREGNANT. I mean, I don't think the doctors are lying about the benefits... So I do think you should be a lot more hopeful this round. Just pointing out the logic, here! :)
That said, I totally understand your fears. I NEVER want to ttc again. It is a brutal experience. AND I also totally understand that you can never really accept the fact that you might actually get pregnant and, lo and behold, have a baby. It's a crazy fairy tale, isn't it? I personally don't believe in it (for me-- for you, sure. You'll be knocked up lickety split, OK?).
I hate these kind of milestones, they just totally stuck as they are filled with should have beens and could have beens. I hate even more the feeling that you are standing in the exact same place one year later. I am sending love your way and holding you in my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteYes. Milestones should go and take a long walk over a short pier. Gloomy, depressing, awful, torturous things.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you are in despair, bunny. Poor miner, you look so sad in the drawing.
Keep on, is all I can say. There's got to be light at the end of the tunnel.
Yes yes yes yes yes. That's totally how I feel. That I will never be the lucky one right "7 weeks!...10 weeks!...26 weeks!...Having contractions" blog posts like I see every single day in blog-land. That I will never experience the joy of a BFP. That the happiness of a growing belly will never be mine. That I will never ever know what it's like to go to an "ob/gyn" and get blood tests and exams during pregnancy. Birth. It all feels 110% im-poss-ib-le. And yet we keep putting one foot in front of the other, chasing that dream...
ReplyDeleteYour July '09 chemical ABSOLUTELY SUCKS, but it also means swimmers can meet eggie and implantation *can* happen. I know you want to punch me for saying that, but I hope it is a teenie tiny bit of solace as you get back on the gut-wrenching TTC horse. And now that you're all good inside, hopefully it will happen again and I know this time it will STICK. And hopefully it will happen FAST so this hell can be fracking over!!!!
Oh, my. right = writing. xo
ReplyDeleteYou know what? I say, embrace the despair. I did each time it washed over me. I personally feel you have to let it runs its course, and can't really shortcut to the happier times without doing so. Be a little grumpy. Have a good cry. Drink some. Maybe some more. This is the path you're on, and there may be GREAT things ahead, but if today sucks, let it suck. There's no medical need to be a chin-up kind of girl if it's not how you feel.
ReplyDeleteI might be a terrible armchair psychologist, for sure, but I just know how much I hated and resisted the "count your blessings" messages I got when I was most down and out. It usually makes me feel better to wallow in it until I feel like getting out and cleaning up...giving myself permission to feel depressed makes my "self-recovery" feel much more accomplished.
It is odd isn't it, to think of women who get pregnant without recourse to ovulation kits and timed shagging. Dammit.
ReplyDeleteThis pretty much sums up my own thoughts on the matter. I love the diagram, though.
ReplyDelete(Where can I purchase one of those headlamps?)
Bunny, I think I understand. I was ready to start trying again after the miscarriage, but also dreading the return to that horrible routine so, so much. And it's just as bad as I feared it would be!
ReplyDeleteBut, you know, it could always be worse. So I tell myself. And I believe that one day I won't be wading through this shit any longer, and neither will you.
well f-ing said.
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ReplyDeleteBunny, I understand one hundred per cent, I really do. Each milestone that passes...I seem to hit another low. Just when I was about as low as it is possible to go. It is torture. Right now I am filled with dread at the thought of the return to the mines. But as the only alternative is to give up, down we go.
ReplyDeleteI love your diagram. I think there is but one thing missing...the flask of fancy liquor. :)
Sending you a big hug and a basket of virtual arugula.
PS. Deleted my previous comment due to bad typing.
bunny - when i picture you, i picture you with a gaggle of little boy bunnies. i really do. this is gonna happen for you. let's try to think positively - that all the shit is behind you, and you only have good things to look forward to in the next few months.
ReplyDeleteand if you have 3 kids before i get 1, you must gimme one of your bunnies please!!
Bunny, I am with you on this. I am dreading going back to TTC. Absolutely dreading the ups and downs and despair.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, I desperately need that headlamp in your diagram. Where can I find one?
I hope things look much different next July.
Fucking July. Always showing up right after June. Acting like you're going to be happy to see it.
ReplyDeleteFuck that.
Can we skip to August?
I'm not going to tell you to think positively because it doesn't work. Even if you can manage it, it just feels fake. I think you just have to put your back into it and get through the mines any way you can. But I won't tell you to enjoy it.
Wow, just realized what a downer I sound like. Some support I am, right? Well, if you're looking for someone to cry in your beer with, I'm your girl. Sorry about that and I didn't mean to be so negative.
ReplyDeleteYep, it sucks. I've been trying to imagine that positive test - it is just ridiculously difficult to think that it could ever happen to me!
ReplyDeleteI hope next July finds you with a bunny (or two) of your own :).
We started trying at our RE's office this time last year. It sucks. Great picture though.
ReplyDeleteI feel the same way. Like getting pregnant is something that happens to other people. That I am, obviously, only an observer of miracles, since I am not in any way special, and therefore could never produce the miracle of life myself. But, here's the thing. I have a suspicion that 80-90% of all IFers feel the same way as we do. And they're getting knocked up ALL THE TIME. My blogroll is now filled with pregnant ladies that didn't think it could happen to them! And so I feel quite positive that I will be resenting your joyful BFP announcement in the very near future. Damn you (in advance).
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to send a note to thank marvelspelltemple @gmail. com for the little girl we got to cuddle today. My first interaction with Doctor Muna about Infertility Spell process, I was scared and had a lot of questions. However Doctor Muna was always there for me throughout the whole process and became a part of the family. The most precious moments were spent looking at the first ultrasounds of our little miracle and watching her heartbeat for the first time. Moments I will not forget for the rest of my life. I am so thankful that I went to marvelspelltemple @gmail. com as he knew exactly what type of protocol to put me on that was right for me. This was our first and only attempt and thankfully it worked. Again, thank you all for your expertise and compassionate Miracle. Because of it I will have a lifetime of memories of our little girl!
ReplyDelete