Friday, July 16, 2010

No more baby in my face

It's been exactly twelve weeks since I had my belly cut open. (OMG, I'm almost in my second trimester! *Stabs self in eye*) I'm Officially Recovered. The region from belly button to incision is still a little weird-feeling, and the hideous little shelf of fat above the scar remains. I fear it will always be there, which pisses me off. Scar? Okay, whatevs. I signed up for that shit. Flesh shelf? NOT OKAY. Really don't need something else about my body to dislike. But the point is: I can now feel free to get super pregnant. So I'll just go ahead and do that. 'Cause this infertility biznazz is BULLSHIT.

Meanwhile, BFB and family left town yesterday. I'm sure the time will come when I am wracked with sobs, missing my best friend like anything, lonely as all fuck now that I've got exactly zero real friends in Ohio. But right now I'm a leeeeeettle glad to not have that damn baby in my face all the time.

I mean, she's a perfectly nice baby and all--it's not her, it's me. One evening BFB was dealing with something and Jane's crying was stressing her out (and Mr. BFB is absolute SHIT at comforting his infant. Like...WOW. Too bad she's not an iPhone--that he is Master of), so I took Jane out into the garden. I told her about the different plants, and she reached her tiny hand out and touched them. Watching those perfect little fingers gripping my clematis blossoms and those giant eyes growing so wide with wonder...well, it made me want to die. And the rest of the time it was all about keeping my eyes forward and ignoring the kissing and singing (I couldn't quite bring myself to prohibit singing, though I seriously considered it...) and the cooing and the gurgling and BFB's constant efforts to get me to admire Jane's cunning little antics. Hyperbolic as it might sound to those of you who are well adjusted non-assholes, it was fucking exhausting.

I wonder if it will actually be easier being infertile without my fecund friend around. Probably not, but if any of you live in a cave where there are no pregnant women or babies, be sure to weigh in.

As we were saying our goodbyes, BFB asked if she should keep me updated with baby pictures. I think she was a bit taken aback by the vehemence with which I said NO THANK YOU.


  1. Ahhh BFB strikes again. I'm glad you said NO THANKS Bunny-dear and I'm glad you survived your BFBtime exhausted but intact.


  2. My best friends are lovely women who have the wondrous tact and discretion to be without children, and don't even particularly want them, and actually I think it does make things easier. They talk about films, and shows! And dogs, window frames and paint colours! A variety of things! I feel much more pang-y when around my brother and his lot.

    I think it'll help you not to have the constant reminder, and your friend's well-meaning attempts to in-fecking-VOLVE you all the time.
    Fewer pangs = good thing.
    Go forth into a brighter future, bunny.

    (Though no doubt you'll miss her, you know, later, at some undefined point in the future.)

  3. thank god my 2 bff's hate children. although, they both claim they'll "mine" bc quite frankly, who wouldn't love the gorgeous twins that i'm about to conceive??

    thank god their visit is over and you're still standing. i'm rather amused by your vehement "no thanks" to the pictures, but more amused that she seemed taken aback by your response. did mr bunny take their visit well? or was it driving him nuts?

  4. you're no asshole bunny, that is so emotionally exhausting. I'm glad you made it through their wouldn't have been easy.

  5. I am blessed with a brother and SIL who have no interest in whiny little brats (or that's how they think of them), many male friends still deeply committed to bachelorhood, and many female friends who are either unpartnered, or who I'm starting to worry about. So, my life is mostly child-free (except for my former best friend who's popped out 3 already and shows no signs of stopping, but she lives in another city, so doesn't count). So, I consider myself cave-dwelling. And it is awesome. You're going to love it.

  6. I'm mostly a cave-dweller, too, with the exception of one friend with a "surprise" baby at 41. It's both wonderful and HARD to be around that baby. You are not an asshole.

  7. Even your DESCRIPTION of the adorable baby hands/eyes and the clematis blossom makes me feel all bubbly with angst inside!!! Ugh!! I can't even take hearing about it!!!

    I know you probably think that because I am, technically, still pregnant, that I should be frolicking in the high alpine meadows of bliss myself right now, but unfortunately I feel even further away from having an actual baby than ever (cause after the miscarriage it will take time to recover physically and emotionally, etc.) This all results in me being more bitterly jealous of 'real' pregnant ladies than ever! Sigh. One day it will end for both of us, and we will have babies of our own. Sooner rather than later, please!!

    In the meantime, at least we have non-iPhone-addicted spouses-- and YOU will probably be knocked up in about 3 days. Right?

    Also, I am pretty sure the flesh shelf will go away. My neighbor's dog had one after he had a fatty tumor removed from his side, and he looks fine now... it took a while to be absorbed or reallocated or whatever though. (aren't you thrilled that I just compared you to my neighbor's dog?)

  8. I plan on moving to Ohio in our plan C should my PSIL attack me. The fecund are much like zombies and think babies instead of brains. Hmm...that said a zombie might be better company. So, arming against fecund/zombies is easy, you carry a snippy small dog who you've trained to bark at children (but will ferociously protect your own offspring) and keep treacherous art around the home. Ninja knives with glass shards? You are a patron of that Arts.

    I don't live in a cave, but there are few small children in my life. I will be trapped as an Aunt in about a year, which will be rough. I expect to have my anti-fertile fort/compound completed in nor cal by then and will be seeking followers/converts. Or, I'll be babysitting and holding back those same tears. :( I like the compound idea better. :)

  9. Well, this poorly adjusted asshole here nodded in agreement with your post as it was read. I kind of want to give BFB a swift kick in the shin over the baby-photo-update inquiry.

    I did find it way easier in my other job where I was surrounded by people twice my age with adult children... Being where I am now? All surrounded by giant bellies and squishy swaddled newborns? I've been tested to my limits. It's no wonder I'm largely a homebody, yo.

    Anyway, I'm happy you survived. :) Have a good weekend, Bunny!

  10. I wish I lived in a cave. Because I hate other people's kids (including the one coming over for brunch with his parents on Sunday). Argh. I just can't feel all warm and fuzzy towards them, and even though every last one (except 3, and 2 of the 3 aren't partnered up yet) of my friends has kids, I try to live in a cave.

    I am amazed that you lived through the weekend as well as you did. You deserve an award for not losing your shit. I might have run out of the house screaming. Or at least gone to the gym a lot. Or something dreadful like that, because it sounds horrible even in your description. (Note, I say all this from experience: I had my pregnant BF and her 2yo stay for a week in our small nyc apt in the spring after failing FET #1 -- it nearly killed me so I totally TOTALLY think you are heroic).

  11. Free to be in your own home. Ahhh...

    Bunny you are a good egg.

  12. I think it's well known by this point that my life is more like a McDonald's ball pit filled with friends' and family's children rather than balls than a serene pregnancy-free cave. If you find one of those bunkers, tell me how I can get one for myself.

    The image of you and little Jane and the flowers is so touching and sweet. You will be an amazing mom one day, I know that.

    Oh--and I was actually born in Concord, MA, though we moved away when I was a baby. I've been to the Alcott house too! Just one more similarity between me and good old Louisa.

  13. Bunny, in response to your comment (and I responded some there too), you so ARE going to get pregnant, and likely soon. I know, there is a slim chance that you won't, but the odds really are in your favor! I am just as optimistic for you as you are for me! OK?

  14. Huh, Bunny. I want to reach out and hug you to bits right now. I just posted about my singing-to-baby family members and was feeling like an evil bloody ogre and then I come here and find you feeling the same way. Mwah to you my friend. I wish I could come around to your house and not sing baby songs with you too.
    I feel the same way about the babies that are close to me (friends/family) and am torn between smothering them with attention and just ignoring them and looking straight ahead in the distance. So far I have gone for the staring straight throught them tactic... I can't say its working though as I still feel absolutely crappy in every way about it.
    Hope the time away from having babies in your face is restorative. I know its not perfect, but I know, for me, it is nice to have my version of normal back.

  15. I try my best to live in that cave where no pregnant women and babies are (excepting family of course), and I can say YES, it is waaay less painful isolated and away from the constant reminders of what you don't have. I think having your BFB far away might actually be good for your TTC efforts these next few months :).
    And good for you, telling her no thanks to baby updates!

  16. I continue to think you are a saint for the way you deal with BFB and her little one. She is clearly clueless, I wonder what she is thinking or if it crosses her mind that all this baby stuff (and singing) are impacting you. Very, very glad that you requested no baby pics/updates sent your way. Wishing some new, non-pregnant, non-mother friends your way.

  17. I think you made exactly the right choice in saying thanks but no to the updates. It might also tip BFB into being a more sensitive BFB. I must be a tremendous and poorly adjusted asshole because the visit just sounds EXHAUSTING in every way. I'll say it again: you are a very good person, and a good friend.

    And at least you know that when your bundle of Bunny Baby comes along (and come along s/he will) your mister is not going to coo lovingly to his iPhone instead.

  18. What is the freaking deal with iPhones? I mean, come on. It's a phone. That won't fit in your pocket.

    It sounds like you came through the weekend amazingly well, and like everyone else I just about lost it reading about you, the little one, and the clematis.

    I think you're going to enjoy living baby-free, even though you probably will start to miss BFB at some point.

    And I am very interested in any and all updates on the flesh shelf, as it seems I am the new owner of one of those. (Though I started out, so mine may not be quite the same as yours.)

  19. I find I make a really effort to ask after my friends kids so that I don't come across and embittered. (Partly because half of them seem to be my god-children - ironic for a barren heathen like me). But it is exhausting and sometimes a little distance can mean a lot of self preservation.

  20. I realize I'm reading your posts in reverse chronological order, and so this question may be answered elsewhere, but...what is BFB's deal? Doesn't she get it? I guess the obvious answer is that she doesn't. But sheesh. Make sure you have good, bump- and baby-free peeps around you, Bunny.

  21. You're a hero, bunny. And hell NO -- how come she asked??