Tuesday, June 29, 2010

The days have slain the days

Because I am olde schoole, I have a paper calendar. For those of you who have never seen such a thing, it's like the calendar on your phone, but made of paper. (You can find out what paper is here.) Of course I use electronic calendars too, but it's nice to have a hard backup in case there's no internet. Anyway, I get an academic insert for my Filofax, meaning it starts in August. So I just got my 2010-2011 insert, which is always a happy moment for an organization and tidiness nut like me. Out, out, ye old grubby insert! When I put in the shiny new one, one of the things I do is mark people's birthdays, which requires going through the old calendar. This year, the process really highlighted the prominence of my attempts to get pregnant. All those discretely marked cycle days, all those appointments...all those subtextual DISappointments.

It's wonderful to be able to put all those days aside and start with a nice, clean slate. But I don't have any illusions about what this year's calendar will contain. However irritating it may be to you guys that I don't have any real hope for myself, I don't. I anticipate another year's worth of fighting the good fight. But I am at least ready to fight again. I guess. Since I must.

Now that I think about it, the poem from which my title comes is full of great lines for IF, if you sort of squint and ignore the exact source of his grief. I myself am off to depart and ponder whilst driving 3 hours to Other Ohio City, to pay an exciting visit to Mr. Bunny's sister and mother. NEVER FEAR! You'll get to hear more about that soon.


  1. I always love starting a clean slate. I hope that this upcoming year brings you many happy times. Have a great visit.

  2. Doesn't it feel good to move to a new calendar? All of the disappointments of the past year are over and done, and you never have to look at them again. (I'd say you never have to think about them, but I know better...) Plus all of those blank pages, full of possibilities and smelling like everything new.

    It just breaks my heart to hear that you don't have hope. I know there is nothing I can say that can make that any better, and it's what we all struggle with, but I am going to hope *for* you. As long as you are "fighting the good fight," you can still be pleasantly surprised even if you in no way expect to be. Going through the motions gets results too (I don't think our intent is as important as we would like to believe), and if that's what you're up for, well then the rest of us can do the hoping for you.

  3. Oh, PAP-PER, I've heard of THAT. Like thin wood laminate, isn't it. Good luck with Ye Olde Trippe. Two days and a night to rest the horses, I expect.

    (That was just a joke, you know. I went to college before the advent of word processors. I had a souped up typewriter with a tiny screen you could type your sentence on before you'd commit it to print. We used microfiche in the library. VERY quaint, it was.)

    Here's to 2010-2011! A good one, it better be.

  4. I like a clean slate - a fresh start and one that surely has to be different from the past, right?
    My boss still uses a paper calendar and it drives me craaaaazy. How am I supposed to schedule a meeting if only he is privy to his availability?

  5. You had me all excited that there was a poem about a glum bunny.

  6. I'm a big fan of my bright red moleskine weekly planner. I actually write things in it! It's a big step up from my previous calendar device, my brain. That one didn't work so well.

    And bless you, bringing the Pre-Raphaelites in where they only sort of belong. I love a girl who knows her way around a Victorian poem.

    I have hope for you, Bunny, that you will change this Filofax next year with very different feelings.

  7. I cannot count the amount of milestones that I have utter the words "this time next year", I have stopped saying that. I know what you mean by not having illusions of what this year will bring. However, I b/c you are still willing to fight the fight, I know that there is a little hope left in there (and in me too I guess) and I think that all is you need.
    P.S. I have a paper calendar too. My patients laugh at me when they see it :)

  8. i'm lame, i have an iphone, yet i use paper calendars as well. i need to be able to physically hold it in my hand. am i weird. i think we've already established that i am :o)

    i tossed my little notebook that i used during ivf #1 despite that i'd only used 1/4 of the book. bought a nice, "pretty" one for ivf #2, bc you know. pretty notebook means a healthy, live baby!! duh!

    even if you don't think it, i'm soo hopeful for you that your calendar for this upcoming school year will only be filled with appts with your gyno for the baby boy you're gonna have (i picture you with a boy as well). bfb had a girl (girls love their daddy's more) and you'll be blessed with a baby boy who will LOVE LOVE LOVE mommy :o)

  9. i still keep a paper calendar in my purse - it's just easier access and obviously more secure place for me to write cd1 than google calendar.

    And yes, looking back on the last year is quite side, all of the appointments and heartache and I've still got nothing.

    Hope 2010-2011 year has great things in store for u!

  10. Filofax! Hahahaha! I loved Outlook while working, but use Google calendar now. There is a lot to be said for a paper calendar though - it is satisfying to physically write with a pen on paper and to have it nearby to scratch on without having to log on and open the page.
    I hope the next calendar year brings happiness and unexpected things for you!

  11. One of my favorite things to do in the beginning of the year is to buy a new calendar. I seriously debate the merits of each calendar with fierceness, because, you know, a calendar is a statement...and you're stuck with it for an entire year. There is something soothing about plotting the year out. What I want for you most of all is to fill that Filofax with one good surprise after the next.

    Safe travels, lady!

  12. I also have a paper calendar. Not sure how I would manage without it? I too see all the old notes on cycle days, ov dates etc when looking through the year...major bummer.

    Love Twangy's joke about the horses and carriages. Safe travels.

  13. Oh i love throwing out my old calender too... its so full of days circled when AF arrived and then numbers counting the days and then other coded messages that mean spotting and m/c and appointiments.... A clean slate and a clean calender to go with your shiny clean uterus... perfect.

    Enjoy other Ohio city.... Hope you have practiced clenching your teeth and biting your tongue (or is it only me who has to behave like that around my MIL?) xxx

  14. What a beautiful poem. I'd never come across it before but you're right: filled with echoes (even when you don't squint).

    Like you, I'm a Luddite. I have no fewer than 2 paper calendars - a diary, and a wall calendar. And making the new ones is always very therapeutic. The thing is - it's an open book, literally. You don't know how the story of 2011 will end. (I don't either). But one thing is certain - whatever it is, it won't be exactly the same as 2009-2010. Thank goodness:)

    Enjoy Other Ohio City. I lived in Ohio cornfield for awhile.

  15. I love and use a paper calendar as well - a Moleskine that makes me feel all geeky/hipster. I recently fell in love with the wall art calendar from Paper Source, but my problem is that I'll love it too much to throw it away, and I'm drowning in clutter as it is. May this next calendar be filled with happy and wonderful days.