I sooo wanted to give y'all a drunken post, but...I never got drunk enough.
This makes me sad. Getting shit-faced with J is pretty much my favorite thing, but...I guess we're OLD now. His last night in town, I asked if there was anything he wanted to do that we hadn't gotten around to yet. He went through his checklist. The final item was drink too much. We looked at the bottle of horrible, horrible, beyond vile vodka he brought me from Kazakhstan. We looked at each other. We opted to go to bed.
I did get tipsy enough to make an ASS of myself on Friday night, though, when we met up with BFB and Mr. BFB at our local bar. BFB was talking about her baby, and I was finding her more and more annoying. Finally, she turned to me and said something pretty innocuous like, If you want total strangers to talk to you, just carry a baby around.
I WOULD IF I COULD! I shrieked. Like a craaaaaazy person. Airing her reproductive biznazz in a completely inappropriate way.
The following morning I tried to figure out what my damage was. I realized a couple of things. First, I hadn't anticipated that having mutual friends around (because J and OBR were my friends first, but are now BFB's friends as well) would upset the equilibrium I've achieved where BFB and her baby are concerned. I felt envious again, which I haven't for a while. But seriously--it should have been MY BABY that my friends were fawning over. Or, if they weren't going to be fawning over my baby, there shouldn't have been any fucking fawning.
Thing number two: the closer I get to returning to the baby makin' mines, the less I believe any baby will ever result. I know--I should be more optimistic than ever. And I feel like a jerk for voicing these thoughts in front of people who have Real Problems or have endured Real Hardships. But for whatever reason, this is what I'm feeling. Deeply depressed by the whole prospect. Wracked with sobs in the shower every morning, bursting into tears a couple times a day depressed. So tired of this bullshit. (I know, I know, two years is nothing, but I bet you were tired of the bullshit by your second year too...)
Unable to imagine anything changing, ever.
Fortunately, I've got that bottle of Kazakh vodka. Maybe it's not too late for a drunken post!
You know, your problems and hardships count as Real too. What you are going through is just as real as someone who has been in it longer than you!
ReplyDeleteI am not making sense, largely because I have had exactly nothing to eat today, but really, there is no need to feel weird about feeling depressed and/or nonhopeful.
I am glad you had a good weekend with your old friends...and am laughing just a little at your lack of interest in the Kazakh vodka. Maybe it's like sugar and kids? You know, how once you reach a certain age the super sweet stuff just doesn't taste as good anymore. Maybe once we reach a certain age, being drunk loses its appeal too. (God I hope not.)
Two years is plenty of time to be sick of this shit :) I am very tired of it as well. I hope you get some optimism back for your next try. I'll be optimistic for you if you can't :)
ReplyDeleteNot an idiot at all. A normal person under incredible strain, and your friends, while potentially a bit taken aback, will still love you and perhaps be more sensitive.
ReplyDeleteAnd while I know too well how you feel about believing it will never work, I think that this is the perfect opportunity to go all pollyanna and sweetness on you and tell you that positive thinking matters, and that you will, one day, be a mother. It may not be tomorrow (that would be all kinds of surprising) but it will happen.
(but to be honest, I feel that only for you. for me, I feel totally stuck and like the only forward progress is the depletion of my bank account and increase of my waistline. but you -- you are totally gonna get knocked up and have it stick and birth a very healthy baby. Because you'd be good at being a mom, so it should happen.)
stay away from the kazakh vodka. it's like jet fuel. i worked in that part of the world for a bit and attribute some part of my infertility to the poisons I ingested when there.
(sorry this comment is so long and rambling)
Ugh, was BFB tipsy too? I sure hope so, because what the fuck was she thinking?
ReplyDeleteI love catching up with old friends, glad you had fun. It is unfortunate how we grow old, I have been wanting to throw a party and when I think of the guest list in my head I realize the number of friends who would want to get shit-faced are dwindling. Its not like I want to get pass-out drunk or anything, just a nice healthy buzz, you know fuzzy, warm and maybe a little sloppy. Sigh, many of my friends have those damn babies to take care of. No fair!
As for your pessimism, I get it, believe me. But I can't allow myself to succumb to the doubt. Buck up, I have faith in your shiny new uterus!
Hey, make no apologies for feeling pessimistic. If IF were only a matter of waiting for a baby that's guaranteed to come eventually, not tormenting over whether it's coming let alone when, it'd be a breeze. Nothing is worse than not knowing. (That said, you just rocked your surgery and will obviously be pregnant in no time. And, your baby is gonna be waaay cuter than BFB's. Just saying.)
ReplyDeleteSo sorry for feeling bad about what you said the other night. I wouldn't worry about it, they knew you were drinking and I'm sure they knew where it was coming from. I'm sorry you are having such a hard time. IF is such a pain in the butt.
ReplyDeleteI'm a depressing mess these days too, Bunny. Wish we could get together and drink that bottle of vodka.
ReplyDeleteDon't feel bad about what you said in the bar. Sometimes enough is enough and you can't help it. I'm sure no one will hold it against you. =)
glad you had a nice time with your friends this weekend!! i completely hear ya about the baby fawning. these were YOUR friends, and they shoulda been googoogaga-ing over your baby or no baby at all. bunny - you're seeing the RE again in august, right? i promise you that since it's only june, you're having these thoughts, but as soon as july rolls around, you'll get that *hope* back. i've been to all levels of depressed and gloomy the last few months, but as soon as june hit (ivf is in july!) i've actually been freakin fantasizing about my baby and when i'd go on voluntary bedrest and all sorts of fantasy. i've even DECIDED that i'm having twins, so i walked around the 2nd bedroom trying to figure out where i'd put all the furniture :o)
ReplyDeleteyou better not be thinkin i've gone off the deep end, bc i'm getting off this infertility train at the next stop and getting (healthy) twins out of it! that is what i've decided, and so it shall be :o)
so while i'm at it, i've also decided that by the end of summer, you will be knocked up and get a healthy, big, fat, cute baby as well :o)
Tis okay, bunny. It's completely understandable to have a minor outburst at a less than tactful comment.
ReplyDeleteI am really sorry you feel so low. Poor girl.
Things will get better. You'll get there, believe it or not.
I think what BFB said would have been innocuous if you didn't have the history that you have, and my guess is that she's probably feeling a bit badly about it, too. I don't think it was badly intentioned, I just think a strange alien life-form takes over the brains of expectant and recent mothers, and they just kind of...forget. Get carried away in their own excitement.
ReplyDeleteI also think feeling down about it is absolutely normal. So many ups, so many downs. Two years is a long time to be on any treadmill, and especially this one.
Sorry you didn't get to tie one on. I, for one, would have deeply appreciated a drunken post:)
Hopefully your BFB was kicking herself as soon as the words came out of her mouth...and maybe she'll think before she speaks next time. Even though friends know what we're going through, they still don't know the right things to say sometimes. My friend asked me how things were going - when I told her "same ole same ole", she paused...then said, well you can have mine! Huh.
ReplyDeleteIt's all bullshit, two years or 7 years. I think it gets easier to deal with on a monthly basis the longer you've been trying b/c you're used to the disappointment - it's all you've ever known. Of course, then you're looking at the possibility of "never", but it's all painful regardless of how long you've been trying and which treatments you've been through. You're suffering, and you shouldn't feel like a jerk for being honest about your feelings.
IF is the jerk.
Two years is plenty long enough for heartache, in my opinion! Ask one of our darn knocked-up-first-try friends how the thought of trying for two years sounds to them and you won't be able to hear yourself think over their horror-stricken screeching.
ReplyDeleteThis summer will go by so fast. I hope that good things are waiting for you at the end of it.
Good call Bunny, BFB deserved that comment, I really believe that. And in a way its cool that you did it after a few drinks so that if she is pissed you can blame it on that. But honestly, I dont' think she'd be angry with you, she'll probably just be feeling like a twat for saying such a stupid thing in front of you. And in a way I think its important to remind those fertiles around us that we live this EVERY day and there are reminders of what we dont have EVERYWHERE. BFB probably forgot that.
ReplyDeleteAnd hell yes, 2 years is way too long. Yes there are others who have been here longer but I personally felt just as frustrated then as I do now. And it doesnt matter about how long you've been trying or how many IF disasters you've lived through... the reality is the same for all of us, we just want a fucking baby please. A lot of people get that wish granted without actually saying it out loud and they certainly don't say please. Thinking of you and glad you had a great time with your mates but I'm sorry you didnt get rotternly drunk... being sensible is so much fun too you know!