Thursday, June 23, 2011

I hate you, In Laws

Dear Father in Law,
Thank you for inviting yourself and your high-maintenance wife to stay with us, and for deciding that it would be a great treat if you made us dinner. I am not entirely sure why you wanted to make avocado soup with avocados that you brought from Massachusetts, because are they IN SEASON there or something? Or is it because they TRAVEL WELL? And I am not sure why the resulting soup had a disgustingly suety flavor, but it was one of the most unpleasant things I've eaten in a long-ass time, and eating it without visibly gagging required me to pretend I was participating in some kind of horrible game show.

I digress. What I really wanted to say is this: your cooking a revolting meal for us falls short of being helpful when you destroy my kitchen in the process, creating a mess of epic proportions. And alas, your offer to clean up is worth very little, as 1) it comes only after I have completed most of the work and 2) I know you will wash things without soap or hot water because you are some kind of backwards hippie, and everything in the entire universe will be coated with a scum of avocado.
Yours in Suppressed Rage,

P.S. I hate you.

Actually, my in-laws are perfectly nice people. There's a mother in law, who is pushy and pisses me off, but is not actually a monster (unlike Jen's), a sister in law who is also pushy and always comes with a plan that does not necessarily match MY plan, and a dog that likes to nip at me any time I move, which I find a bit unacceptable but my sister in law apparently finds just dandy, and a father in law plus stepmother in law, who are new-agey and have a lot of health requirements, but are also kind, loving people. So it is a bit of a surprise to find myself HATING all of them. I'd have thought having some shared genetic material would bring us closer, but instead, I find myself bristling at the mere mention of their names. There's all this extra hostility, and I'm not sure where it comes from. Maybe it's the fact that I've seen a lot of them and not a lot of my family, and they've all oohed and aaahed over how much Bun Bun looks like her father and I feel left out. Or maybe it's some territorial thing where I want to exclude all outsiders that are not related to me by blood?

Anyway, I can always comfort myself with the fact that Bun Bun has MY last name and not Mr. Bunny's. SO THERE.

We took our baby OUT IN PUBLIC. Several times since I wrote that post about taking our baby out in public, in fact. Our local botanical garden has a cocktail hour on Wednesday evenings, and the promise of liquor amongst the topiaries was sufficient to lure us out of the house. With our baby. It was a good test case--alcohol* was present, but it was outdoors so we could always hide in a shrubbery if necessary. As it happens, it was not necessary--we drank our drinks and walked about like regular people. With a baby. I got two totally disfiguring mosquito bites on the FACE, and we went home.

Before leaving, we paused at the bench where I sat in August and wondered if we'd ever have a child. Little did I know, Bun Bun had already been created. Despite my total lack of faith in the possibility, her little cells were dividing away. It can happen, people. It really can.

But I didn't intend to get all nostalgic and shit, it just turned out to be a particularly poignant first recreational trip out.

So then, emboldened by our success, we went to BRUNCH, and then we went OUT TO DINNER. We sat outside and we went quite early, but still. Our favorite server came over and told us all about her trip to Europe, and I got drunk on a mojito.* It was pleasant.

*I missed a lot of opportunities to have a cocktail during all those might-be-but-of-course-was-not-pregnant-cycles...


  1. Not that I am *proud* of this by any means, but my in-laws are dead. I'm sure I would have loved them both. My dh lost his dad when he was only 11 and his mother passed about 7 years before we met. Needless to say, I don't have to worry about *that* drama. However, my family has enough drama for the whole frickin' world. Which is exactly why we live many hours away from both sides of our family. It's just better that way. Should the planets align and I was to get pregnant, there will be a problem with one of his siblings who has never acknowledged our adopted son as a *real* part of the family, if she should show a difference in bio-baby (insert imaginary conversation here).

  2. My father-in-law stayed with us for a few days last fall and walked around my house in his underpants. And fell asleep on my sofa with his balls hanging out of his underpants. And they rested on my couch. The End.

  3. Don't you love the kind of company who comes to help, and only cause you more things to do? And avocado soup? Gross. And Bun Bun has your last name and not Mr.'s? Way cool - what does he think about that? I generally consider myself pretty enlightened and feminist, but that's new to me...

    Nice work on getting out the house! All of those trips sound quite lovely! But if you mention a mojito again, I might have to come over and hurt you. Or at least sniff yours... Mmmmm....

  4. Enjoy those mojitos, mama Bunny. It doesn't sound like the avocado soup would have been possible to enjoy. Um, yeah. Not a foodstuff that travels well. Or which - to be honest - I could ever envision being made into soup.

    And I'd have been pissed at hell at having my kitchen destroyed. You've been invaded. This would irritate the hell out of me, as well.

  5. omigod, i am cracking up at oak's story. Hilarious/horrendous!

    Sorry the inlaws are in town driving you mad, i hope they get out of your hair soon. I would loathe cleaning up after them or choking down disgusting soup. Bravo for not yelling :-)

    And hooray for alcohol!

  6. HIlarious story, Oak. Awesome.

    My MIL drives me f'ing batty. Like I could totally strangle her most times I'm around her. She's invited herself over in a few weeks and I'm totally dreading it. The first time she came when O was home, I'm pretty sure I made it quite clear how much I wanted to choke her. Other people don't drive me as nuts as she does. I'm not sure what it is about in laws, but they sure can be a real pain in the ass. I guess at least your FIL hasn't put his nuts on your couch...yet. Look on the bright side. The soup sounds disgusting, btw.

    YAY! for going out and enjoying yourself and having a few drinks! You're a real lightweight! ;)

  7. The fracking in laws. Wish there was a snap of the fingers that could make them vanish instantly. Just teleportation, back to Massachusetts. You are a strong woman for having suffered their invasion, and I hope to god it's over now. It's time for mojitos and going out for brunch. And score on getting your last name on that birth certificate. Mr. A and I probably have not been able to have a baby yet because we can't resolve that issue.

  8. ha ha, avocado soup. Yuck! The in-laws always say the baby looks like hubby. I'm pretty sure it's to boost their paternity confidence. Ha ha. My in-laws do the same thing. But alas no avocado soup.

  9. Yeaaaaaaaaaah, so glad you guys are taking the Bunster out in public. Isn't it lovely enjoying a cocktail out in the world WITH the baby?! :) I swear it's like pulling off a band-aid, it makes a huge difference to know that the OPTION of leaving the house is there....even if it is at 5pm geezer hour for din. :)

    And yeah, everyyyyyyyyyone says Champ looks "just like" hubs. And no one says Honey looks like me. And I joke about it with hubs, b/c of course I love that our kiddos look like him, but I do wish someone would say one of these babies slightly resembles me! Totally hear you on that. xoxo

  10. Wow, when I see "monster" in print it makes me feel kinda mean...although...*trying on shoe* *shoe fits!*

    In-laws are designed by nature to make us rage. I believe it's to counter all the loving and nurturing feelings a baby may invoke. Mission accomplished, nature. Hang a banner on a battleship.

  11. OMFG Oak! I nearly peed myself! Inlaws suck, after I told my SIL that I was struggling with BFing she told me how her kids actually lost weight when she introduced solid food because her breastmilk had such a high fat content. oh yeah?! Thanks b**ch! Glad you had some nice outing with bun-bun, mojitos=good.

  12. Ahh... in-laws. So much fun.

    I'm glad you guys got out! With the baby! And alcohol! This all makes me very happy.

  13. I am grateful for your distaste of the in law. I cannot bear mine most days so misery loves company.

    Plus, dont they know you run a mean kitchen? Fools. BYOA.