I was thinking of endless department meetings when I stuck it up, not two week waits, but, being Ancient Chinese Wisdom and all, it's got multiple applications.
Of course, unlike with department meetings where I make Noises of Extreme Annoyance when my colleagues get off track, I'm not showing any impatience. It's all within, bubbling away on endless simmer. Like one of those fancy water baths you use to poach things. Like fish. And chicken.
Uh...where was I? RIGHT! IMPATIENT! Impatient and afraid. Not ready to face the result I know is coming. I think y'all's positive attitudes towards my eventual pregnancy infected me, and made me forget that of course it will never happen. (Not that I want you to be negative. Too bad you'll never have a baby, Bunny. Sux 2 B U. = Not really what I'm looking for.) Maybe I just feel alone, despite your lovely support. There's not much we can really do for each other during these periods except offer words of hope. And my husband doesn't like to talk about it, doesn't ask how I'm doing, doesn't think about this every moment of every day. It's a solitary experience.
I went to the botanical garden today for a few moments of quiet contemplation. I threw a coin in the reflecting pool, and remembered throwing a coin in the pool this time last year, making the same wish. Today I sat on a secluded bench near a little stream. I watched water sparkling over sand, and a chipmunk sitting on the bank. I felt no peace, just a heavy heart. As the Ancient Chinese say, this shit sucks.
This shit sucks down all the joy of life. It does. And you're right about the solitary nature of it. Even when you know that there are other women out there who are also facing the (possible-but-not-hoped-for) end of a cycle, and who are also stuck on this terrible ride.
ReplyDeleteAnd yet, when it comes down to peeing on something or inspecting Flo's advance troops, all you can do is feel very, very alone.
(But it will happen, Bunny. It will. It will. It will. I refuse to think otherwise.)
This shit sucks, big time!! Any person with IF who can figure out how to not show impatience is a lier, there is no way to do that (I think). I often wonder about all the postive comments we all give each other, not that I want the neg comments either. IRL, when people are all hopeful and happy with me, I get totally pissed off and want to slap them. In blog land it is a little better b/c I know all of you have been where I am (or some version of it) so it is not like you are a fertile telling me all will work out in the end. But, my point is, you are allowed to be hopeless around us if that is how you need to be. You are also allowed to tell us to stop with all the positive comments if that is not what you need.
ReplyDeleteSending you hugs today, you seem like you need it.
Well, I'm glad I could at least cheer you up a little bit with news of the darling baby "Loot"... seriously, it will sound like that is his name, even as he is REALLY named after a silly-looking guitar!
ReplyDeleteYeah, this shit totally sucks. Actually, I can't even know how much it sucks for you at this point. All I know is that while I was there, I was a depressive banshee who wanted to just rip my eyes out of my head like Oedipus (not for the same reasons obviously) and run around the street stark raving mad, an eyeball clutched in each fist, screaming curses and frothing at the mouth. I'm glad you are opting to commune with nature instead. Anyways, my point is that you've been there longer than I was, and so I don't even KNOW how you deal.
I feel like at least you are on a timeline here. Not just treading water-- if IUI's don't work, you'll do IVF. And IVF WILL work. So yes, you are right to bee seething with impatience, but at least there is a plan in place, and a timeline in sight. I know there are no guarantees there, either, but honestly your odds of getting pregnant with ART are pretty damn high.
It's the new school year. I'm making my syllabus and getting together my materials and thinking, "This same old shit again? And NOTHING'S different? A year has ACTUALLY just gone by? Fuck me."
ReplyDeleteFor the record, I scoured Stockholm for a Viking Rune Candle, but there were none to be found. Even the Vikings have abandoned us.
Bunny, I'm gonna keep hoping for you, so go ahead and feel as heavy and glum as you need to. I got this.
ReplyDeleteWe are here to cheer you on, but more than that, we believe for you. This moment is by far the worst. This limbo what if also boils your patience. I like to think of this desire as a flame where your heart is flipping on a rotisserie. (mmm fava beans anyone?) There are too many of these loose rocks that we can trip on. Unfortunately, at the moment there gave been more falls than progress, but that too will soon be behind you. Embrace the desire and recognize how unhappy it makes you, and then let it out on a leash for a bit and give your heavy soul a break. It's a nice burden to put down from time to time.
ReplyDeleteOr pick up a chipmunk and kiss it on the head and get rabies. That would take your mind off things.
Ps. Kidding about molesting wildlife, even if they are adorable.
Pps. I will continue to keep happy positive (as in two lines) thoughts focused like a laserbeam towards Ohio!
*hugs* Sending you some positive thoughts and less stress.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you are feeling down. Heavy heart = how I feel about the whole thing right now. It is a very solitary experience, I agree. Sending you a big hug. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteOh crap, I am sorry that you are feeling so down, alone, bad..I wish it weren't so. I understand though and it makes sense to me that you feel this way. I hope it helps some to tell you that and I'll join the ladies who are putting in the positive thoughts for you.
ReplyDeleteconfucius say: this shit sucks balls. i'm with ya ... i'm sooo over all of this. i've had 2 ppl tell me in the last week to "just relax ... it'll happen ... EVENTUALLY". eventually isn't cutting it for me!!!
ReplyDeletehang in there bunny!! xoxoxoxo.
It is a foul place we all know well. Spouses just run it differently. All that timed intercourse just does a man's head in. I can remember feeding mine wine during our workday lunch to try to get him in the mood (fast).
ReplyDeleteI am pulling for this next month to change things. Next steps IVF sounds like a great fall back plan.
Indeed, it's funny to all be alone together, isn't it? And yet here we are, all waiting on our separate clocks. You sound like you need some post-Yogi inspiration, Bunny. I'll go cook (make that poach) some more up. Sending hugs to Ohio, where we happen to be going over LD Weekend for a wedding...
ReplyDeleteSucks for real, it's true. Sorry you are lonely, I know the feeling. That's one of the worst parts of it, I think.
ReplyDeleteI am thinking of inventing some Irish Fortune Potato Crisps. They'd say things like: Sock it to your colleagues with a irritated noise! And: Give the annoying munchers the glare! Other fightin' talk like that.
Onward!
It totally is solitary and lonely. I feel you.
ReplyDeleteSomeday, somehow shit's gonna stop sucking so hard.
Adele is right: this shit does suck the life out of everything. And you're right, too: it is SUCH a solitary experience. While your husband may be in it with you, he's not REALLY thinking about it 24/7 or feeling the emotions you're feeling and especially not feeling the hormones raging through your body. I'm still hoping you, Bunny.
ReplyDeleteI love that quote. But in a way its annoying because it makes me feel like I have to be grateful for any shit thats thrown my way. It's like it's telling me to shut up and be happy. Well if only it was that easy. Or maybe i'm just completely consumed by negativity!
ReplyDeleteMy husband is of the "don't talk about it" variety too and it does make the experience very lonely. I liked the thought of you sitting in the botanic gardens taking some time out for YOU though, it sounded peaceful.
xx Thinking of you.
Ya the time when you are waiting to DO something is the slowest, IF sucks, but I'm going to give you the advice that my RE gave me "you can't win it if you're not in it" this is proably the hardest longest endurance race of your life. Stay hydrated my friend.
ReplyDeleteYou sound sad, Bunny. And I'm not sure you think it's ok to be sad. So that's all I want to say to you about it. I think it's A-OK for you to be sad. I (and these other fabulous women) will hold your sadness with you.
ReplyDelete