Monday, August 16, 2010

You don't think you have any hope...

Until you find yourself terribly disappointed. First, I should say that I have NOTHING to be terribly disappointed about, and I'm quite aware that an awful lot of people do. They have my sincere sympathies even as I wallow in self-pity. It's just that any reproduction-related procedure gets me so keyed up that I have a BIG emotional reaction when the slightest thing goes wrong. And it's funny--I feel like a million different people with this cycle. There's the HUGE part of me that has zero hope for IUI.* There's the part of me that is following all the rules because I'm terrified of the looming finality of IVF. There's the silly little part of me that thinks if Egg can get pregnant via IUI, maybe I can too (isn't that the most wonderful thing? I'm not gonna lie--some blogosphere pregnancies are tinged with why not meeeeeee??? sadness as well as joy, but not this one! That girl has waited her turn like a CHAMP! Please, Universe, don't make her wait any more.), despite the fact that our situations have nothing to do with each other. Then there's the part of me that's trying to give positive thinking a chance in order to supress the uterine spikes. (Because stress makes your uterus grow spikes. I have a PhD so you have to believe me.) And then there's the entirely normal part of me that wants everything to go perfectly, just like every other woman who has ever gone through this. Because going through this shit is hard enough even when it does go perfectly.

A couple of things are not going perfectly this cycle. My ovaries are taking their time, so I'm not supposed to trigger until tomorrow. But what if I ovulate when I normally do? If that happens, there will be no sperm for my nice little egg(s). (My clinic is a No Sex Before IUI clinic, plus my husband will be out of town.) I know I should just trust the clinic and not worry about it, but I find that very hard to do. (I also got Nurse Idiot this morning, and she does not so much inspire the confidence.) And second, they wanted me to trigger on Wednesday for a Friday IUI, but a stupid mandatory pre-semester thing I HAVE to do got in the way. Take home point: the timing of the IUI will be suboptimal.

Anyway, I'll get over it, and will simply have to hope for the best. But it's always a surprise how devastating these little things can be, considering how little I expect the procedure to work in the first place!

*I know, you guys are all like But your shiny new uterus! However, if my RE thought the fibroids were a real issue he would have recommended myomectomy from the start. Having them out is really just a pre-IVF necessity. Ergo IUI is pointless, same as it was the last four times.


  1. everyone seems to be getting pregnant on their last chance iui before ivf. so, i'm *hoping* this is the case for you too bunny!!! something about doing the ivf consultation makes the body go "hey, wait a minute! i don't need THAT!!". and voila. so, i'm hopeful for ya even if you aren't.

    and if it makes you feel *any* better. i am convinced that i will be the last person standing on this shit island known as IF. all by my lonesome. and yes, i'm in pity-party mode. the universe can go fuck itself!

  2. Yes, it's odd, I know but getting pregnant, it CAN happen! Like, to YOU. Wouldn't it be luvverly? Oh come on, luck, be a lay-deee!

  3. Twangy said it best. You are getting pregnant one of these days, and this could be it. Why not? I can't think of one good reason why you would not be able to get pregnant (and who was it that said that the past is a poor predictor of the future? Well, that person was RIGHT). Perhaps you do need the IVF for whatever reason, but one of these attempts, coming SOON, is gonna work. OK???

  4. I'm going to hope for this cycle, even if things are suboptimal (one question, though: why do they wait so long between trigger and IUI). Damn school responsibilities. Damn them!!

  5. Sigh. I don't have much useful to say on this, except that I want a baby in there for you. Like, soon. I want this for you.

  6. Dude, get outta my head.

    My supposed-IUI-cycle is also not going well (it appears my body did things too quickly, which nobody ever expects of it).

    And it sucks and I just wanna whine and say things like "why can I even do a fucking IUI cycle without mishaps or drama?" while eating copious amounts of moose tracks ice cream.

    Grrr. Grr-grr-grr.

  7. My ovaries were sluggish leading up this last IUI too - so that's not a bad sign.

    But, yeah, it doesn't take much to upset the apple cart of composure in IF land. Here's hoping it all goes well.

  8. What's the holdup? I am also firmly in the camp of hoping you join that iui before ivf lotto. I've bought extra tickets on your behalf.

  9. Two things:
    1. I do not beleive that your hopefulness or hopelessness has any impact on cycle outcome. Power of positive thinking is great, but if you are pessimistic this go around, so be it.
    2. I know that IVF is the last place you want to be, but having done both, there is something to be said about knowing that fertilization (at minimum) has actually happened. It allows you to not have to worry about this timing stuff so much. At least, there is one good thing about IVF, right? Although, I really, really hope you never get there.
    I am scheduled for my IUI tomorrow so it looks like we are in the 2ww together. This my last go at it before we head back to IVF as well. Fingers and toes crossed for us both!!!!!!!!!!

  10. My ovaries didn't do a killer job this cycle either. It's totally disappointing, because I completely get that wanting everything to go perfectly thing--especially when you don't have grand hopes for it working even under those circumstances.


    Here's hoping for a surprise positive!

  11. Definitely hoping for this cycle - IUI before IVF success happens all the time!!!

  12. Thank you for the shout-out dear Bunny. And for the wonderful warm fuzzy comments and support.

    Yeah, I totally hear you. It's virtually impossible to imagine IUI working and then when any little thing goes wrong it's devastating. I. Hear. You. But you are trying and stranger things HAVE happened and even tho it's impossible for you to feel hopeful, I DO feel hopeful for you. Bodies have a way of getting annoyed by us hating on them all the time....yours might just get knocked up and show you who's boss. C'mon the FRACK on IUI, let's do this and deliver Bunny's new uterus a perfect little blasto. xoxo

  13. Oh Bunny!!!! I'm sorry there are frustrations!!!

    Why can't it just all go smoothly!!!! (I have been yelling this to the universe for YEARS and still no response)

    I know this is probably a weird thing to say but I always found IUIs much more stressful than IVF. IUIs relied on my body actually performing certain functions that I wasn't confident it could achieve. With IVF there are less unknowns and you have more information to work with so for a details freak like me it made it easier to handle. Still stressful for sure, but I felt I had more control with IVF than with IUI, which I know sounds crazy and goes against most studies on the subject.
    Anyway, my point is... Don't be hard on yourself because you are feeling pressure. Don't say this is *only* an IUI so I shouldnt be stressed. Its freaking hard Bunny and so don't underestimate what you're going through. Its ridiculously tough, and you are amazing and lovely and strong and super good looking.
    Fingers crossed for everything falling into place eventually.

  14. I have hope for you. Try not to focus on the what if's and just do everything you can and hope for the best. That is all you can do. *fingers crossed for you*

  15. Everyone knows that uterine spikes improve the odds with IUI. I have a DMA so you have to believe me. Srsly. As with egg, so it will be with you. You too are a champion, gold-medal Turn-Waiter, and your Turn, it is a-coming.

    I don't know what's going on with my syntax today.

    I for one refuse to believe that the fibroids were irrelevant. They were big, and they were In There. Only certain things are supposed to be In There. I don't think I can help you feel better about this particular cycle (considering I'm a hot mess myself), but I do know that you can. do. this.

  16. 1. I am wishing you the best of everything for this cycle.

    2. I understand that it is very hard to relax and trust the clinic. I can't do this either, so I feel your pain.

    3. No sex before IUI? Are you kidding me? WHY? My clinic actually told us to (and after - thereby eliminating their responsibility, i think) and we did, which is just as well as I am 99.9% sure I ovulated before the procedure.

    4. Sorry to hear that Mr Bunny is away.

    5. I absolutely disagree with your last para and your RE. You had some mega fibroids, and I am sure you said one was possibly interfering with your tube. There is hope, Bunny, lots of it. I have two degrees plus an honorary in reproductive immunology, so you have to believe me.

    6. Repeat #1, one thousand times.