Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Journey into my psyche...

Let me start with something amusing, since the rest of this post will not be. And perhaps even this item will not be, particularly to those of you who are not into black humor. Although if you're not into black humor, you may not want to ever come back here.

In Berlin, Mr. Bunny and I were having lunch with one of my favorite grad school friends (male! not pregnant!) at an Italian place. Our pizzas were taking an incredibly long time. Grad school friend said, Maybe they have to fire up their special ovens. Mr Bunny (who is ethnically, though not religiously Jewish) said,  OH NOOOOOOOOO! My people have had enough of the special ovens!

Today I stopped by the pharmacy to put in an order for Ovidrel so that I'll be prepared to do an IUI this month. I have some Clomid left over from my last IUI, and I've looked at Mr. Bunny's travel schedule on our shared calendar and the timing should work out with respect to his Contribution. (You will not recall, because why should you? You have important things to going on in your own life! that I have to wait until November for IVF, but can do IUI in the meantime, provided travel doesn't get in the way.) The thing is, I haven't told my husband about my negative test yet.

Based on what I've gleaned from reading your stories, I'm a crazy person in this respect. I mean, those of you who test at all, don't you share the news right away? I don't know why I don't want to tell him. It's not just this month--I've always had a really hard time getting myself to do it. Many months I don't think I even DO. It just becomes obvious. And recall that I'm also the person who didn't tell her husband about her chemical pregnancy until SEVEN MONTHS later. I'm not sure what my deal is. So I figured I'd ask you, because what's more fun that psychoanalyzing someone else? And if you're like You're a psychologist, do it yourself, I repeat, I'm not that kind of psychologist.

So that you have complete information to work with, it's not that I'm hoping I'm pregnant despite the negative test, though it's true that when I tell him about a negative test, he sometimes asks if there's  a chance that I'm still pregnant, and I HATE IT when he does that. (HAAAAAAAAATE IT!) What it feels like inside my head is that I don't want to remind him of the whole fucking situation, 'cause he's told me he doesn't like thinking about it. And telling him requires us to talk about next steps, often, which he's said he hates. But there's got to be something more to it. Something DARK! DISTURBING!

So, how do you handle this particular moment in your lives? Why do you think I have such a hard time with it?

(Oh, and don't bother suggesting that I just stop testing. I have my specific reasons for doing so and you ain't gonna convert me.)


  1. Well, I was a devout non-tester (until I had a postive beta, then I went hog wild) - but whenever I got the confirmation that I was not pregnant (i.e. bloody mess) I had a hard time telling my husband. It was this awful feeling of shame and that I was disappointing him. I know that just because news is disappointing doesn't me it was ME disappointing him, but I totally get what you're feeling. However, you have fun things like IUIs to move onto this month, and hopefully a positive test in the very near future.

  2. The 'special ovens' joke was funny... certainly not P.C., of course! But funny.

    I don't think it's any surprise that you don't want to tell Mr. Bunny. I figure (and you probably do to) that he'd ask if he really wanted to know.
    Otherwise, I think it just becomes obvious... like when you get your period.

    Good luck with the IUI-- I am very hopeful for this to work out.

  3. i was actually going to ask about it yesterday, bc your sidebar says ivf in nov. is that for real? why can you do iui's now but not ivf, out of curiosity (NOT that you need ivf right now. iui's first = good)??

    my hubby HATES it when i POAS. rather, on the rare occasion that i even have the option to. he'd rather wait to hear from a dr/nurse if i'm preggo or not. i promised him (pinky promised, that is) that i wouldn't test during our first ivf. of course i did. BFP. i kept my enthusiasm to myself that day. the next day, lighter line. i kept my misery to myself that day. day after that, NO LINE. i secretly cried in my closet, and then put on a "normal" face. i haven't fessed up to this day that i knew it was a chemical before the nurse told me. i don't think i will ever fess up. he'll be disappointed :o(

    if mr bunny doesn't like to think about these things or think about ttc too much, i can totally see why you're not sharing this news with him right away. it makes total sense. you're protecting yourself from comments that annoy you while at the same time, not sharing every little itty bitty ttc-related thing with him.

    6 months ago, i was trying to FORCE dh to plan out our next steps if ivf didn't work. i wanted him to plan out 1 yr, 2 yr's forward of what we would do if we still had no baby. lemme say, he was not a fan. in the last few months, i haven't been talking about "the future", and me keeping mum has turned the tables around a little bit (yes!!!). now he wants to know next steps, and i'm like "whateva!".

  4. Oh Bunny, you are not alone in the not-telling-about-pee-sticks department.

    If my Hubby had any clue how often I POAS, he would call me crazy and chastize me endlessly for spending the money. He also is of the I Don't Want To Think About It Club, so I feel a strange sense of guilt when I do have to talk about It (which is now only when: 1) prescriptions for me get called into his pharmacy or 2) I need his Contribution).

    I had a false positive test in July. I did tell Hubby that I thought we maybe could be pregnant. He said "well, are you late yet?" No. In fact, I wasn't. And his response hurt. So now I'm thinking if it happens again, he'll find out about it when the rest of the non-blog world does - second tri. Maybe later. Maybe I'll force him to ask me whether I'm pregnant or just getting fatter. That'll be fun.

    And, because you requested amateur psychobabble, perhaps you don't tell him because it's more fun to hate him for "getting to be ignorant." You don't get to be ignorant about this because Somebody Has To Be Responsible If We Are Going To Procreate And Share Our Fucking Love, Damnit.

    Well, I mean, that's my reason, anyway.

  5. LOL Bunny...that pizza story was great. I don't know what to tell you about the whole POAS thing and your DH. My McRuger is firmly in the camp of "the-more-I-know-the-better". He wants me to tell him everything. If I would let him, he'd be in the bathroom with me every time I tested (not going to happen...).

    If I know McRuger's had a hard day or is going to have a bad day, then I hold off on the news or share it really casually ("You know I had a dream about Russell Crowe kissing me last night, and by the way, I'm not pregnant".

    I hope you find a pattern and a system that works for you and DH!

  6. Sometimes I tell him right away. Sometimes I even wave the test around under his nose and ask, "Is that a line? Do you think that could be a line?" And, sometimes, I also sit on that information of a negative. Why? Because it's such a downer, and when you have to deliver month after month of them...it just isn't fun. For either party. Also, I think my husband doesn't know what to say in those situations.

    A friend of mine devised a very good method with her husband. He is to assume that it's bad news unless she tells him otherwise. I've never been able to do this as I am something of a big mouth, and even in months where I initially withhold, the truth comes out sooner or later (usually accompanied by huge sighs, or tearful hiccups).

    I also think that we have been screwed by a generation of pregnancy test commercials, in which the woman tells her husband through the bathroom door/comes out of the bathroom shaking proof that it's a positive. (O, what a happy moment!)

    November!?!? November is SOON.

  7. Okay, I haaaate HPTs. I had to take them b/c Clinic #1 made me. And I would basically turn into a puddle of despair every time it didn't work, even tho I already KNEW it didn't work, and there wasn't any way I could hide it from hubs. Plus, I would usually test at 5am or something and then crawl back into bed sniffling and that would be that. I agree with APlusB, every time this doesn't work I feel this intense fracking shame that I can't just get it done. I know that is stupid, but it's how I feel. And I want to say I am SO happy I get to do a Beta this time instead of POASing. (Well, if I even make it that far, last cycle I got my period on 12dpiui, so who knows.)

    AnyWAY, I am so happy you are IUIing this month. Bring it on! Sample it up, hubs! Let's DO THIS!

    PS Like Sienna, I have always wondered why 1) you have to wait so long to IVF after surgery and 2) why whatever that reason is does not apply to IUI. Is it b/c IVF is so invasive? Do share, should you feel compelled.


  8. I sadly admit that I actually laughed out loud at the oven joke (I am jewish too so I think that makes it ok, right???).
    I hardly ever POAS, I actually give all sticks that you can pee on to my husband to hide from me b/c I cannot be trusted. But I know that it is rare. I tend to tell my husband about BFN's but I can understand why you don't. Who the hell wants to have that conversation??? Your husband is making his wishes pretty clear that he would rather avoid the entire topic (my husband feels the same way, I just bang him over the head with it anyway). Here is my concern, I worry that this leaves you alone with all of this stuff. Of course you have us, but I wonder if there is some comfort your husband could provide in person that we cannot. I also worry that this prevents you from really being in it together. You are in it and he is on the side lines. You shouldn't have to be alone (I do this same thing in other areas of my life). I also wonder if saying out loud to him makes it all the more real. Who would want to live in that reality? Not me.
    I hope this IUI works!! Fingers and toes are crossed.

  9. My husband, for whatever reason, is in charge of photocopying and providing me with each months paper temperature chart. With each negative cycle, I at least can just use the shorthand of "I need a new chart" or "I think I am going to need a new chart in a couple of days." It allows him to know without me having to say it. I also am prone to leaving the negative testing laying about on the counter. Again, this way I don't have to say anything.

  10. Gosh bunny, you are really stretching my memory here as it seems so long ago that I last used a hpt.... but I do recall being similar to you and not being that great at telling DH about the bad news. For me it was because initially I hated having to talk about the fact that another cycle had gone by with no baby. Talking about it meant reliving it and that just pissed me off. I am an avoider from wayyyyyyyy back. Avoid confrontation and scary things at all costs so I guess this is just an extension of that. Not saying its the same for you but thats what my rationale was.

  11. That joke sounds like something Lawyer Guy (also a non-religious jew) would say.

    I always tell LG right away when CD1 starts. And I don't test anymore, but when I used to test I would always tell him right away about the negative. But I'd give him a little of that "but it could just be early/you never know" bullshit, too. I hated how disappointed a BFN made him.

    Still, when I poas in October and got my bfp (the last time I tested), I hid my pee in a cup under the sink until he left for work because I had decided not to let him know I was hopeful and testing that day if it didn't work out.

  12. Since I have had 9 BFN...after #3 I just started leaving the negative pregnancy tests out, in the open, on a washcloth on my sick so he could see it for himself. Then he sees it, without talking to me about it, and no word is said!

  13. Mr. Bunny is a man after my own blackened heart. :)

    I didn't tell KB about testing much after we were officially diagnosed with IF. I would just let him know when my period started, and he would give me a sad look, and then I would cry, and then it was done. That's the stuff romance is made of, right? He was usually in the less-is-more information camp as well, and would occasionally ask me when I was ovulating or when my period was due. Once we started IVF, I kept him in the loop with all details, not sure why. He handled that better, maybe because it was a new experience for us both and/or because it had nothing to do with either of us succeeding or failing at procreating (at least not on the face of it, never mind how we felt inside).

  14. I tend to tell if it's positive, but not if it's negative. I waited a day the first time to even say a peep. Not sure of how I felt, I was also sort of selfish holding on to the idea that I was pregnant. Enjoying it as a precious secret for a bit of time.

    I figure that the Mr. doesn't tell me when he takes a crap, and that sticking a stick into pee would not warrant any comment, unless there was some interesting news. This last time around, I sincerely thought about not telling him at all. It's getting harder and harder each time, so hopefully, I'll tell him I'm pregnant next time when my belly starts to move things like remote controls.

    If you are one of those "tell me everything" couples, then it's likely you are discussing a variety of topics. But, I would say that there's some sense of crazy POAS that men just don't really need to know, unless they want to. Sort of like those couples who share an email address, some people just want it all out there. I like a bit of mystery. It's sexy. Peeing on a stick is not sexy.

    Okay, last rambly bit here. This TTC biznazz is lots of heartbreak and being the bearer of that heartbreak, as the women sort of have that role, means that you carry the burden of disappointing someone you care very much for. Giving them a ticket to your crazy train so that they can raise their hands with you as you start the first loop, isn't worth it when you need to hand them paper towels after throwing up on the loop-de-loop. He's keenly tuned to these ups and downs, and having him too keenly tuned can be pretty painful, even if there's an upside to them knowing.

  15. I usually never told F when I tested either. For me I think I felt stupid. Like after this long I'm still dumb enough to buy a HPT and really think I might be pregnant?! I just think he'd be mad that I gave in and had hope or something. (Not that he'd be mad at me, but he hates when I'm hurting so I think he likes it better if I don't test and don't get my hopes up b/c then I won't get hurt so badly when it's negative. For me it huts less to just wait and get my period.) So it was me keeping it from him so he wouldn't know I tested. Crazy huh. But I always told/tell him when I get my period.

  16. He basically sits outside the bathroom door and gives me stage fright.

    We are both obsessed.

  17. Okay, I can't weigh in on the psycho-anaylsis part but I agree with Misfits last para. They need to be there for the mop up.

    I am a serial non-teller. My husband only wants to know if there is something to tell. He doesn't want to know about possible lines/maybes. I am happy with that. It's always so freaking obvious when my period is coming anyway.

    Having been a serial deliver of heartbreak I am happy to go with only delivering the good. I don't want to get his hopes up over nothing or a maybe.

  18. I laughed at the oven joke too. Mein Gott!

    I don't think it's weird to not tell about a negative. I waited days to tell my own super-supportive mom about the m/c, mostly because I didn't want to hear myself saying the words.

  19. I don't think it's weird not to tell your husband about a negative test. I don't tell my hubby when I test all the time - well, mostly because I don't tell him I'm testing in the first place (not that I'm hiding it, but it's just so unlikely at this point it doesn't seem necessary). Also, when I do tell him, he doesn't seem surprised...so what's the point? I'm thinking there's no point in telling them the negatives because IT'S NOT A POSITIVE.
    Of course, your husband's "are you sure you couldn't still be pregnant?" would bother me too.
    The chemical pregnancy thing still blows my mind though...mostly because you saw a positive test and I would have screamed that from the rooftops!
    I don't think there's anything dark and disturbing about your need to keep it private though.

  20. Ditto what Beth said. My husband doesn't want to talk about BFNs, but he does want to know if I've tested, so I leave any HPT I take out by the sink for him to see when he wakes up. (I never test until I'm at least two days late--only happened twice--or unless doctor-ordered.)

    Though this approach is a bit of a fiction--I mean, if the test were a BFP, he knows darn well I'd wake him up to tell him the news--it seems to work for us.

    I say whatever works for you.

  21. I also laughed at the oven joke, although not being Jewish, I really didn't have a right to. I think it was more the whole context of your Jewish husband saying that in Berlin. Anyway, I guess I can come back and visit, since I very much appreciate your dark humour.

    Reification is the only thing I've got for you. No better way to make this problem real than to tell your husband month after month that you are not pregnant. And, as we all do, you probably wish this problem wasn't real and you are only one positive hpt away from having it go away.

    Since you are a researcher and surely spend time looking through PsychInfo, check out experiential avoidance. And interesting concept that may help you understand what all the avoidance is about. Or not.

    I keep you in my thoughts Bunny, and hope all good things come to you (including un bebe).