And if I don't stay pregnant, I'll need to tell her I miscarried. The thing is, I haven't spoken to her in almost a year, except for one phone call in which I told her to stop calling me.
I know some of you have genuinely abusive or neglectful parents. It makes me a little ashamed to complain about my mother, whose only parenting flaw was a certain selfishness and lack of grasp on reality. But my childhood was filled with poverty, chaos, and anxiety because of her crazy-ass choices, many of which resulted from (or resulted in) unplanned pregnancies. I've always been angry with her about that. She also said some wonderfully selfish and insensitive things when I tried to confide in her about my infertility. After a couple such interactions, I just couldn't bear talking to her. I started dodging her calls, then eventually explained to her that if she wanted to support me, she needed to fuck off.
Part of me wishes I hadn't created this situation. But I kinda had to. As CGD recently wrote, "I do not think I am a selfish person, but this is a selfish experience." I totally AM a selfish person, but I agree wholeheartedly that this is a selfish experience. Sometimes (often) you have to protect yourself at the expense of other people's feelings, and that applied to my mother. But it can't go on indefinitely.
I know calling her up and telling her I'm pregnant won't fix anything. I'll still be pissed at her. And I think when you have a damaged relationship in your life that you want to change, you have to first figure out exactly what you want to be different. I don't want a close, loving relationship with her. I never have wanted that. But I need to have a civil relationship with her. For the sake of my brothers, and because...it's uncomfortable. And I need to figure out how to let her be part of this experience I might just be having some time in May.