Thursday, October 7, 2010

What happened to sex?

I'm too embarrassed to actually admit how infrequently I've had sex since the obligatory post IUI bout. (And even then, doctor's orders were to screw that day and for the following two days and we managed only that same day.) And since you know all about my uterus and orgasms and whatnot, you know the number is SMALL if I'm not willing to spit it out, 'cause I'm pretty frank with y'all. But it's even smaller than you think.

My sex drive is deader than it's even been, and that's saying something. It was dead leading up to this IUI. It was dead during it, and it has remained dead. And yeah, the never-ending cold and not sleeping well and being extra tired and feeling a little pukey and not wanting my breasts touched isn't helping, but I don't think those factors would stop me if I were actually hankering for some man meat.

What the fuck, y'all? Frankly, it's becoming a bit alarming. I've heard that the more sex you have the more you want, so maybe I just have to force it until I warm up again. (Gee, doesn't that sound both healthy and enjoyable?) I've also heard that the second trimester can revive the sex drive. But what if it doesn't? What if I never want to have sex again!? And I also know that most of us go through periods like this, but this feels extra severe, and, I dunno, weirdly continuous with the whole IF has killed my sex drive experience. It seems like things should be DIFFERENT, now that things are, you know, different. Any words of encouragement? Any tips for rekindling the flame?


  1. I don't have tips - I'll be following to see if anyone else has tips... IF has killed my sex life. I have very little sex drive, and the almost worst thing is the hubs has very little interest anymore as well. We're on a bit of a hiatus, and frankly, I think both of us are happier this way for awhile. There's no pressure. I know we have to figure this out eventually, but I'm hoping if we wait until 2nd trimester (assuming I get pregnant and the baby sticks...big assumptions) then maybe we can restart the sex part of our relationship. It sucks, but know you're not alone.

  2. I agree 100%. IF has killed my sex drive and my husband's too. We actually talk about this and wonder if we think it is bad that we have such little sex, yet neither one of seems to want to unless it is a time that we have to (fun right?). We try to focus on being affectionate in non-sexual ways (hugging, cuddling) but I know that is not the same thing. Alex, is right, it sucks and it you are so not alone.

  3. Sex drive? Shit, am I supposed to have one of those? It wasn't on the packing list...No, I wouldn't say I've never had one, but it's never been super-powerful. One of my favorite parts of ttc is when we've been dutifully going at it like bunnies (if you will) every day, and then N, who definitely has a stronger drive than I, doesn't want it anymore. Then I like to suggest sex regularly, just so he'll turn me down. Good times! My number-one best bud in the getting-it-on/getting-it-up department is my Hitachi Magic Wand. Bigtime. Because sometimes it takes me more to get really turned-on than a mere mortal can provide.

  4. Oh man -- I'm sorry to hear that your sex drive is in the toilet, but I have to say, it makes me feel a whole lot better. The whole IF thing really fucked over our sexual relationship, and it certainly has yet to recover. Here's my silver lining: second trimester is better. Boobs are less sore, you don't feel as exhausted and pukey, and the idea of sex isn't so, well, icky. My problem is, now that I'm ready to get back in the saddle again, the Boy has apparently not yet recovered from the forced death march of timed sex and jerking off into a cup in a somewhat sterile room. So I guess it gets better-ish. But let me know if you sort this out, because I could use some advice!

  5. so far, out of 5 comments (mine included), everyone is just confirming how you feel! i have no tips for you monkey love in our house either!

    actually, my dr. has me on "pelvic rest" and says he'll negotiate with us at 12 weeks. he done this because my ovaries are still huge from the ivf and fears that some man love may rupture one of them.

    so, in my case, i don't have to make any excuses for not wanting any but the truth is, i don't want it at all right now. its a mixture of fear (what if i start bleeding afterwards), lack of interest due to IF sucking my sex drive out of me over the last 2 years, and finally...feeling either pukey, starving, exhausted, or fat (really fat from ivf drugs) and sometimes a mixture all 4 at the same time.

    i'm with you ... hoping like hell the desire will magically appear in 2T!

  6. (a) I thought IF would kill anyone's sex drive -- I mean, we're ttc naturally and still don't have enough sex (guess why it isn't working, one might say)
    (b) if I felt pukey I certainly wouldn't want to have sex.
    (c) I hope it gets better. For all of us.

  7. sex. what's that??? it's been 6.5 weeks since we've done it (since the beginning of stims). we still haven't gotten the go-ahead to do that, nor am i allowed to exercise. basically, i'm being treated as an invalid right now and not allowed to do anything!!! the most strenuous activity of late? straining on the toilet bc i'm so freaking constipated. lovely, yes? i have to think that your drive will come back. don't worry bunny!!

  8. umm, yea, nothing going on over here too. I haven't much felt like it and i'm terrified that if we do i'll start spotting and freak out. So, yea, nothing going on. Come on, 2nd tri!

  9. Why would you have sex if you're already pregnant? :-)

    There's nothing going on here either, not for lack of trying on my husband's part. I'm getting a little worried that he will give up because the answer has been "no" so much over the past few months, but so far his ardor is undimmed. Mine, on the other hand, seems to hit only at the most inopportune moments, and by the time I actually get home I'm just a mess again.

    If you do find a solution, please share it with the world!

  10. Ummm... YES. I wrote a post about this a while back. IF has totally killed my sex drive. And I'd imagine pregnancy will too. It's just too much thinking about what should be fun and natural... or something. But even my non-IF friends said they weren't in the mood often during pregnancy. Others were more in the mood.

    Sounds normal to me! But, it always fills me with some kinda guilt.

  11. I had heard that sometimes (and I'm actually totally being serious right now) Zinc deficienies can effect your sex drive. That's why so many recommend oysters as an aphrodisiac... because it's loaded in Zinc. I think Strawberries are too in fact. I'd look in to it... it couldn't hurt. Also, on my life of things I wanted to write about on my blog, I was totally planning on writing ways to make TTC fun again. Mind you - some of my suggestions are going to be more funny than helpful but obviously, this idea didn't come from nowhere! We still have sex quite regularly... I just don't think it's as fun as it was when we were NOT trying, you know what I mean? My only off the cuff suggestions (other than the zinc thing) is try and figure out what makes you feel sexy (lingerie, doing your hair, certain music), perhaps read some romance/sexy novels (I do this around ovulation time by the way) and in general, remember that techinically, it's supposed to be fun for all involved! LOL! Good luck and good for you for writing such an honest post that obviously many can relate too! -- Jay

  12. My libido is still down into the second trimester. What seems to help is making dates for sex. Like, I'll tell J over breakfast that I'll be all over him like white on rice in the evening. Even if I'm not feeling the mojo in the morning, thinking about it all day gives my sluggish libido time to perk up.

  13. Yeah..,.,nope, nada, nothing......there's freakin "no vacancy" sign down there. It gets a little better on the 2nd trimester. I'm relying on weekly BJs to keep hubby happy. Good luck!

  14. Weeeellll, I see that all the previous comments agree with you. We have been there too. I agree with the being affectionate in other ways as good and also sometimes what worked for us was just having a good old fashioned date or night away, time to just focus on the two of us. Especially if it wasn't the time of the month for ttc sex.

  15. I'm totally off sex as well.
    I was out to lunch with some girlfriends a few weeks ago and GF1 said to GF2 "when are you going to have children?".
    I sit there silently and wish I could disapear because i'm dreading they ask me the same question.
    GF2 says "well you've got to have sex first..."
    Thats when I spat out my drink and started laughing. No, no you don't I screamed. Hop aboard my train and ride the immaculate conception route with me!
    Sorry, I totally got off track there with that story.
    I don't know, infertility has totally fucked up our sex life. We go through phases but overall I know we have sex less now than we used to.
    I wish it werent that way and yeah maybe if you force yourself to get amongst it you will start to enjoy and want it again.

  16. My libido seems to be normal in the second trimester, but now we are afraid to have sex because that's what caused the spotting that nearly gave us heart attacks. Even knowing rationally that spotting due to sex does not mean anything harmful doesn't really erase the intense grip of fear that it causes. So we hold out as long as possible between bouts. It sort of sucks, but whatever, we're excited about the baby. Plus, I think it is normal to want to take a break from an activity that was associated with the stress of trying to get pregnant for so long. The pregnancy books even say so! :)

    By the way, I found some actual science on pregnancy brain and posted about it... I thought I'd alert you in case you are afflicted by it at some point (so far all the academics I've polled have said that they were). I don't think you're reading my new blog (which is fine although I do miss your comments!), so I thought I'd let you know to click over for this particular post on the incredible shrinking (literally) brain. For me it just helps to know that it is a real phenomenon and I'm not just turning into a moron, you know?

  17. Okay, if you can admit it (you and virtually all your readers, it seems), then so can I. Sex drive since pregnancy is completely MIA. Actually, that's not really true. First trimester was relatively normal, but since then it's come to a grinding halt. And I mean full stop. Especially now that I'm so big, there's no way I can fathom sex being enjoyable. You are so not alone, Bunny.

  18. Is it not something dimmed lights and a little Barry White could fix?
    Um, ya, sex drive is an old friend who doesn't come calling very often these days. IF is the cause, for sure.

    I would pin hopes on trimester 2. Don't worry too much, girl. It appears from all the comments that this is normal.

  19. Us too. Poor tBG keeps giving me his sexy look and I keep returning it blank-faced saying "what are YOU looking at?!" I've been completely off sex this month. I think the total count is 3 and that was all in the vague-possibility window. I know I sould do it, but like you I've been repeatedly ill for the past 5 weeks, I can't breathe properly and I'm exhausted. Pas très sexy :(

    Strangely IF didn't kill our sex-drive though, it's the grief that's really nailed the sexy-coffin shut. I kinda feel like it's pointless. But I don't think it's healthy for us to go without sex for too long - I begin to feel quite disconnected from tBG and that leads to bad destinations.

    I vote for a "fake it 'til you make it" move from both (maybe ALL) of us. Not fake an O but fake interest and engage in sexy business even if we don't wanna. Are you in?

    Oh and by the time I hit 20 weeks with tLG my ex couldn't keep up. In the final weeks of that pregnancy I completely wore him out ;)

  20. Yep, my libido was just another casualty of my IF experience. Anyone who's enduring treatments or RPL who says they have a great sex life is a lying liar. Maybe good sex here or there, but not regularly.

    When I was reading through one of my pregnancy books a while ago, I groaned when I read some line to the effect of, "Your sex drive may increase dramatically during pregnancy since this may be the first time that you have been able to engage in sexual intercourse without the hassle of birth control or fear of getting pregnant." Not so much applicable to me (or any of you), Wise Pregnancy Bible. Blerg.

    I have had a marked increase, especially in the second trimester, and even into the 3rd. Thing is, now that I feel much more engaged, it's way more awkward to engage. As in, my back hurts, my round ligament is being a bitch, and I'm just not as, well, graceful, if you will.

  21. Whatever you frigid bitches.

    I have sex ALL THE TIME. In fact, I am having it right now. I had some this morning with my forbidden coffee and I will likely have some before lunch and before dinner with a nice night cap bang on the living room floor.

    ps - I have not had sex since 1964.

  22. LOL @ Roccie!

    Well, never having been much driven by my libido, not being interested in sex now isn't much different than not being interested in sex before. So I don't have much to offer in the way of personal experience. But my guess is that this is all a function of IF, surgery and pregnancy.