Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Am I making a terrible mistake?

I'm visiting my family in Albuquerque in a few weeks, and my brother sent some recommendations for hotels. After I told him which one I'd selected, he informed me that it used to be a hospital. A psychiatric hospital. A children's psychiatric hospital. So it's obviously filled with the ghosts of children subjected to various kinds of torture. And this means that by staying there, we are most likely committing ourselves to participating in a horror movie.

Here's a quick prĂ©cis of our movie. It will start with scenes of us all tender and loving. (e.g., Fade In. Interior of a plane. An attractive young couple, reading. The woman is visibly pregnant. The man looks up from his magazine and gazes lovingly at the woman. He places his hand with prominent wedding ring on her belly. She looks up from her papers and they share a tender smile.) It will be revealed that we struggled to get pregnant and are so very happy to be expecting our first child.  We check into our luxurious hotel. I'll relax in the tub of our pristine white bathroom while my husband orders room service. The room service cart will leave our floor and descend ever deeper into the basement of the hotel. It will become damper and darker. There will be disturbing creaks and groans of machinery that sound like animals in pain. As the disturbingly blank-faced hotel employee pushes his cart down a long, dark corridor, surrounded by trickles of water, flaking paint, rusty pipes will be startled with abrupt images of pale children in straight jackets, in chains, skittering over the ceiling, heads on backwards, shit like that. You know what comes next. Pretty soon black water and hair will be coming out of the faucet of our bathroom. Ghost children will be terrorizing us, with particular interest in our unborn child. We'll try to figure out how they were wronged and how we can help them. Our investigations will lead us to some depraved doctor. This being New Mexico, he will have a particular penchant for torturing children from the local Pueblo Indian tribes. We'll bring his misdeeds to light. We'll believe that we have released the souls of the tortured children.

But everyone knows horror movies never end well. We will either be murdered, forced to live forever in the hotel, serving the ghost children, or I'll give birth to some kind of demonic monstrosity.

Mr. Bunny and I discussed how to proceed. We talked about being aware of signs that we had entered a horror movie so that we could act quickly. But we concluded that the thing about finding yourself in a horror movie is you can never tell until it's too late. And we discussed the fact that you can never save the ghost children, no matter what you think. Because they don't want their souls released, they just want you dead.

So what do you think? Should we switch to the Best Western? Or is it already too late?


  1. A children's psychiatric hospital turned hotel? Well, they, that is, Those in Power are turning an old psychiatric hospital in Dublin into a college, (not much of a change, some would say) so why not, I suppose.

    On the other hand, like, YIKES, bunny. Yiiii-KES!

    (As Scooby would say).

  2. Here's what you do: bring along two friends, a pretty girl who is also a virgin and a wise-cracking friend who is also of a minority ethnicity. They ALWAYS get red-shirted in horror films, buying you and Mr. Bunny time to visit and get the hells out before Freddy comes for you. Also, don't fall asleep, get the mogwai wet after midnight, answer the phone if you are alone in a dark house especially on Halloween (seemingly not an issue for this visit), or chant "Bloody Mary" in a mirror.

    Unless the place is ALSO built on top of a pet cemetery or old Indian burial ground, you're probably okay. You might want to move the tv out of the room, though, Carol Ann, just to be safe.

  3. JB took the words right of my mouth. ;) Sounds creepy but interesting. It'll be a good story to tell Bun Bun about later.

  4. You know, I was just reading about an apartment building in ABQ that was the old high school. Very cool lofts - very chic and trendy. They must have a thing for rehabbing old buildings instead of tearing down - which is great. Totally and utterly creepy, though, yes.
    Good luck :).

  5. Yowza! My first reaction reading this was, Best Western all the way. My second was that you really should be making a mint writing the scripts for horror films.

    A children's psychiatric hospital turned hotel. How, um...quaint?

    I think you're probably fine. But if there are iron bars over the window, or shackles hanging from the ceiling (boutique hotels can be soooo into authenticity) then hit the road.

  6. This is awesome - can't wait to hear how it goes... But keep the Best Western on speed dial...

  7. I work in a children's psychiatric facility. I'm even writing you this message from that exact location right now! So, two things.
    a) You scared the crap out of me and I'm about to go into a consult and have to look composed. Thanks.
    b) I often work here late because I'm new and still trying to impress everyone. On some evenings, I do hear strange noises coming from the basement floor. Akin to the noises you were describing. But I'm sure you'll be ok.

  8. You crack my shit up.

    You know that you HAVE to go now, right? I need pictures and updates.

    As soon as you catch the first glimpse of a ghost child in the bathroom mirror while you're washing your face, you NEED to hightail it outta there. See, that's where the movie people always go wrong. They think they're just tired and imagining things. But, before you know it, the faucets will start spewing blood instead of water and then all HELL's gonna break loose.

    Play it safe.

  9. Hahahahahhaa.

    Hubs and I stayed in a school that was converted into a hotel in Oregon back in August. It was weird. Really weird. But also AWESOME. I highly recommend it. We talk about it much more than the nights we spent at the swanky hotel in town. :)

  10. Redrum. Redrum. All work and no play makes Bunny a dull girl who stays at the Best Western. I'll tell you my words of wisdom, you can thank me later. Listen, you ready? "I've never been hurt by dead people, it's the living I am more worried about." You are welcome.

    This coming from someone who thought that leisurely strolls through the cemetery at night were perfectly fine. (I once made out with this guy who was like 21 and I was 24 and I felt all ancient to date such a young pup, and he thought I was cool for wanting to make out in the graveyard. Tres Goth, no? Which, wasn't goth because it was really right next to my house and he was walking me home with the mood struck me. I digress and bogart your comments...)

    I believe in ghosts, so you may now mock me. Proceed. So, unless there's a former patient from that facility skulking about in human form, you are going to be perfectly fine. If the ghosties start to bug you, simply tell them to go to the light.

  11. Run bunny! Ruuuuunnnnnnnnn!!!!!!! very funny, I think you definitely missed your calling as a screen writer. Hey you can always do what I do before I go to any new hotel---consult trip advisor, come on people post their own pics you can see if they contain any "ghostly orbs".

  12. Errrr...I am so un-horror movie friendly that I couldn't read the first part to the end (types from behind couch). YES. I would head straight to the nearest Marriott.

  13. I would probably stay at the safe best western or something but then I sometimes miss out on the fun with my "safety" stance :)

  14. it's definitely not too late. best western ALL THE WAY :o) xoxo.

  15. Completely unrelated to this [really funny!] post, I wanted to let you know that I've been collecting possible captcha names for you. Some are on my phone, but some are on my laptop at home. Will give you a rundown in the near future. xoxo

  16. Oh for the love of all that is holy CHANGE YOUR FUCKING HOTEL.

    Now, who is going to go downstairs and switch the laundry cause I am now too damn scared.

  17. Hahahaha. You are just too hilarious. And so damn creative. I'm impressed. Totally on point and perfectly terrifying!!! I'd be inclined to stay there because it sounds cool - most of those rehabbed old buildings are really fun to stay in. In this case I suppose that depends on your personal definition of fun...

  18. It will definitely make a great story, one day.
    I'm not sure if I'd actually dare to go... though Misfit has a great point, the living are usually more dangerous.

  19. Okay, Bunnaroo, here you go. I've taken the liberty of capitalizing, but should you choose any of these gems, you shouldn't feel obligated to do so:

    and...this just in: Consea!


  20. Aghhhhhhh!!!!!!

    I used to work in offices that were previously a hospital for mentally ill children. It was a really weird environment if I'm being honest. It was the most angry place i've worked in. There were so many inter office fights and lots of illnesses (minor ones but still). Might be a coincidence but it did get me wondering about buildings absorbing history. Logic tells me it isn't possible but......
    Whatever, I'm sure your hotel room will be wonderful and I bet it has beautiful crystal clean water flowing from the taps, not blood and black hair. Enjoy my friend.