Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Suck it, MacGyver

I've mentioned before that I tend to wear skirts and dresses more than pants, and what with the freezingness of the outside in winter, this means tights. Unfortunately, I'm super particular about my tights. They gotta be the cottony opaque kind with nothing "control" anywhere about them. These are hard enough to find as it is, but they basically don't exist in maternity version. So I'd been trying to get by with my regular tights, despite feeling more and more COMPRESSED. Yesterday it was just too much. I made it until lunchtime before ripping my tights off and executing the following brilliant tights-to-stockings+garters maneuver.

Please excuse the expanse of grotesquely pale thigh.

(Instructions: rip tights off, hack legs [of tights!] off, hack waistband off, cut waistband in half, staple each half into a garter because you are too lazy to get out your sewing kit, reapply stockings + garters.)

I AM THE SMARTEST PERSON ON THE WHOLE EARTH.

Except later I went to the bathroom, sat down on the toilet, and was fixin' to take a hearty piss when I recollected that I was still wearing my underwear. So, I dunno, maybe second smartest person on the whole earth?
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18 comments:

  1. TrinityJanuary 5, 2011 at 9:24 AM

    I hacked my tights, too! 'cept I just cut a slit down the front seam to accommodate my burgeoning girth, that way the waist hung out under my belly--and I could wear them more than once that way! :)

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  2. NJanuary 5, 2011 at 11:01 AM

    Nice. I'm impressed! Did you manage to somehow use a tampon in some fashion?

    Once I tried on a sundress in a discount type store and I was super excited it was A-line strappy, so I could fit into a 6. I'm a 12 due to my disproportionately large hips. Anyway. I got it on, it was tight, definitely needed the 8. Then when I tried to unzip. Not happening. I had taken my bra off to try it on so I ended up using my pocket knife to cut it off. Yes I did purchase it. Fortunately it was only like $8.

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  3. JBJanuary 5, 2011 at 11:22 AM

    Nice work!

    With a Bic pen and a tampon string, you, too, can construct a nuclear device! I wish I had MacGyver's skillz and Jack Bauer's baddassness (and cell phone reception and ability to not use the bathroom in a 24-hour period, although we never see him drink any water in this time, either). All this plus Gwen Paltrow's (GOOP's) good looks and money (and Chris Martin). Do I ask for too much?

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  4. AnonymousJanuary 5, 2011 at 11:39 AM

    Oh Good LORD I laughed my ass off at this post!
    So glad you didn't piss yourself :).

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  5. nurslouisaJanuary 5, 2011 at 12:16 PM

    Hi-larious! Yeah tights pretty much suck when you've got a belly I'm all about long skirts knee socks and boots.

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  6. Twangypearl the Elastic GirlJanuary 5, 2011 at 12:45 PM

    Ah yes, very good initiative. Except for the unintended tourniquet effect - know what I mean, with garters? I would worry about my legs getting gangrene.
    And falling off, possibly.

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  7. KellyJanuary 5, 2011 at 12:47 PM

    You are brilliant!

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  8. ALJanuary 5, 2011 at 1:24 PM

    HAHAHA, love it!

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  9. finchJanuary 5, 2011 at 1:29 PM

    Thanks for the laugh, Bunny!

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  10. RoccieJanuary 5, 2011 at 1:42 PM

    Hahaha. You solve one problem, but another is around the corner. Just file this tip away: once your thighs start to rub together, I recommend bikini shave soothing cream. Maybe it was just me. I was massive.

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  11. irrationalexuberanceJanuary 5, 2011 at 3:27 PM

    THis is awesome. I'm at the stage where I just keep everything really really low and have my belly over it. So before you hack up the rest of your tights, def try the low rider option -- it gets better as you get bigger since your belly moves up.

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  12. AnonymousJanuary 5, 2011 at 5:39 PM

    LoL very creative. I hope you didn't have any bathroom mishaps.

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  13. AugustaJanuary 5, 2011 at 10:15 PM

    In French, this is called 'prendre les grands moyens' (literally, taking the big means, or taking the bull by the horns). Big problems require big means kind of solutions. And I saw the new picture, and that is a big Bun Bun you got there! You are a genius, my friend. Your resourcefulness impresses me and the wee one must have been pretty glad to stretch a bit more today.

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  14. AdeleJanuary 6, 2011 at 10:19 AM

    Very resourceful:) And I'm with you on the cotton, opaque tights. It's unreal how few companies make them (and apparently, none of those make thigh highs...that's an entire area of sales' opportunity).

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  15. siennaJanuary 6, 2011 at 10:41 AM

    macgyver and i share a birthday, so i like to think i'm badass like him :o) very very resourceful of you to hack up your tights like that. i had to look very carefully to figure out what you did, bc i thought the black was just the print on your thigh-highs at first :o)

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  16. AlexJanuary 6, 2011 at 7:00 PM

    You are so hot!!! Love this!

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  17. AlisonJanuary 7, 2011 at 11:13 AM

    Haha! Yeah McGyver! I have some maternity tights, but none is such a cool color as the ones you rigged up there.

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  18. AnonymousJanuary 18, 2011 at 8:31 AM

    You're brilliant, McBunny. And those are my favorite kinds of tights, too.

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