|Please excuse the expanse of grotesquely pale thigh.|
(Instructions: rip tights off, hack legs [of tights!] off, hack waistband off, cut waistband in half, staple each half into a garter because you are too lazy to get out your sewing kit, reapply stockings + garters.)
I AM THE SMARTEST PERSON ON THE WHOLE EARTH.
Except later I went to the bathroom, sat down on the toilet, and was fixin' to take a hearty piss when I recollected that I was still wearing my underwear. So, I dunno, maybe second smartest person on the whole earth?