Tuesday, January 5, 2010

I feel oh-so-pretty

I just ordered my BOWEL PREPARATION (I can't not capitalize that--it's just so horrible sounding) on the interweb. Why not just pick it up at the local drugstore? Well, one of my former students works at the only convenient pharmacy, and I'm just so tired of him being a part of my IF journey. First of all, he did poorly in my class, so every time I see him, I'm like, dude, too bad about that D. Second, although I'm sure he's got better things to do than judge me, I couldn't help but think I saw a knowing look in his eye every time he handed me my bag o' o.vidrel. A look that said, maybe I got a D in your class, but at least I'm not infertile. So I think I'll get my laxative with a bit less human interaction, thanks. This distasteful purchase is just the latest in a series of events that make me feel like the ugliest, most defective female on the planet.

It's not surprising that IF has undermined my self-confidence, since being able to bear children is a large part of my cultural sense of what it means to be a woman. And I never had a ton of self-confidence anyway, despite the objective knowledge that I'm perfectly adequate-looking. But now I look in the mirror and see a dried up old harpy with a weirdly large ass. It doesn't help that the fashion world has decided long tops and skinny pants flatter the women of today. They totally don't flatter me, and I'm a size 2. So now I can't even buy clothes, and am running around naked as a result.

I guess I can only hope that I have a body-destroying baby, and get some all new reasons for feeling unattractive.


  1. Oh, gosh, I know the feeling when you run into a former student while doing something potentially embarrassing. I used to teach high school in a small town, and I would run into my students (and former ones) everywhere. They even caught me on a "date" once.

    But, I think the most embarrassing was when I was shopping for sexy undergarments. I had driven to the big city, 50 miles away to do this shopping. I had my hand on a rack of scanty panties...and there were TWO of my former students and one current one. Making eye contact was painful for the rest of the year.

    Running around naked, huh? Well, be sure to wear plenty of sunscreen or bear grease (depending on your climate!).

  2. While I was in grad school, I ran into my male OB/GYN resident at a medical conference. He had just been elbow-deep in my lady cavern a week or so before. All kinds of awesome.

    IF does have its sneaky way of making you feel pretty frakking defective. I only shave my legs for RE appointments now because, you know, sexy time. I know it feels that way for the menfolk, too. My poor husband laments from time to time that it's unfair I have to go through injections and surgeries because his sperm are 'tarded, but then I remind him that the cycles don't work because my eggs are assholes. If we do get pregnant, what a baby we will probably make.

    If you are holding down a size 2, you are doing okay. Trust. Word to the wise: if you advance to more aggressively medicated cycles and/or IVF, watch your weight. Those drugs are like lard in your body. I am luckily still at/near fighting weight, but I was a size 2 before IF was diagnosed and now...am not so much anymore. If I had known how hormonal heroin would affect me, I would have been more aware of my eating habits and exercise to combat it. Harder to do after you've porked out. :)

  3. Oh no! I thought you were one of the "pretty hot for a Lady Professor", lol! I know IF can make us feel pretty low, but I'm sure you look great. And if you're holding down a size 2 your ass can't be that large. =)

  4. IF makes you feel like crap no matter what...and that student should cry over his D because he may end up to be infertile too, you know. And can you imagine how much worse it would feel to be infertile AND stupid?

    Thanks for delurking today...