Tuesday, January 26, 2010

In which I am overwrought and hyperbolic

I expected this appointment to make me feel better, but it has made me feel far, far, worse. Worse than I've felt in a long time, and that's sayin' something. Strangely, this reaction seems to have little to do with the facts of my case. Turns out it was all in the interpretation. As my husband reported, my left ovary is basically stranded and useless. That tube is distended and displaced by a fibroid, so while the ovary does its best, it's just pumping all those perfectly nice eggs into a reproductive void. My RE thinks even if the fibroid were removed, the tube would not recover. Hearing that for myself was really upsetting. I apologize to those of you who have experienced real losses of reproductive organs--a tube, an ovary--I know my situation is not as bad. But when I think about all those months when I never even had a chance, I feel so angry! And I feel like my reproductive potential has just been halved. On the right side, he removed a cyst, and I'd formed the impression that I was therefore better off than before the surgery. That did not seem to be his message. He seemed to be suggesting that nothing was any different. We looked back over my ultrasounds from the IUIs. On all three occasions, I had mature follicles on my right side. He scanned me to see what my ovaries are currently up to--both are snoozing, so I don't yet know which side will be more dominant this month. Oh, and by the way, REs of the world, don't talk to professors about their grants while wanding them with your dildo cam. Grants are a stressful topic, for fuck's sake!

When he'd finished his wanding, he said, You're young, you've got plenty of eggs, there's no rush. I don't mind doing a few more IUI cycles! My throat constricted. I MIND. I MIND VERY MUCH. This is my life, my heartache! This process is seriously fucking with my ability to function! How dare you treat what I go through every month as though it's trivial! So...I began to cry. The effort to suppress full on sobbing resulted in me making pathetic squeaking noises, like I had a mouse under my modestly-draped sheet.

I don't understand why he would think IUI would work for me if it didn't before. Every time, my right ovary was in on the action! Why, oh WHY would it work? It won't work. I will never, ever get pregnant. Ever.

My other option is to have a myomectomy now. He stressed the fact that this is a serious surgery. That I'd be recovering for about three cycles and there might be scar tissue that could make things worse. Okay, he didn't say make things worse, but what else would scar tissue do? And that it might not do any good, but I can't have IVF without it.

The optimistic picture that my husband presented me with post-op was nowhere to be found in my RE's comments. The RE's message was, Let's do some more IUIs, Heck, it might work! And if not, you can have another surgery. Of course, that will be really bad and might not help. Sux 2 b u! Okay, I'm off to my next appointment! Let me know when you make up your mind!

I don't know what to do. I don't even know what to ask. Of course when I've calmed down a bit and talked to my husband, things will be clearer. At the moment all I know is that I stupidly allowed myself to hope. I allowed myself to imagine that I might get pregnant in the next few months. And that hope has been extinguished. COMFORT, please!


  1. Ugh, I am so sorry *hugs* I'm sorry you got bad news at that appointment. Could you get a second opinion from someone else with a more positive outlook?

  2. Sucks, sucks, and so sorry.

    I always had a reaction like that in the immediate aftermath of getting bad news...but it usually cleared a bit within a week or two, such that the choice I wanted became more clear to me.

    You have two options right now: 1) continue a few more cycles with IUI, and if no luck, move on to surgery to prep for IVF three months later, or 2) skip the IUIs and do the surgery now, so you can start IVF in 3 months from now. There's evidence floating around Google University that it takes on average around 6 IUIs to get pregnant. So there's that. But, if you get that far and still are not pregnant, you will be set back a few months from wasted IUIs. I would give it a little time, see if it clears in your head at all. Also think about the time of year you'd be doing each of these things in either scenario. And find out what coverage you have for IVF, and how you might finance it if needed. More data might also help you decide.

    Here's the bottom line: Whatever you decide is right. I know it all feels so fucking wrong, but you've made it this far, you know what your options are, and whichever you choose is right. For you.

    It will be okay, promise. *crossing heart*

  3. Did he mention possibly treating the fibroid with progesterone? I've heard that estrogen causes them to grow and progesterone can possibly help them shrink. It might be worth looking into at least, especially if you don't want to rush into surgery (which I can't imagine anyone would be excited about).

    So sorry you didn't get better news :(.

  4. I have no idea what to say to make you feel any better, except that there are lots of people out here rooting for you. I hope that helps a bit.

  5. Oh Bunny I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry you didn't get good news from your RE. I wish I knew what to say or what advise to give but I don't. Just know I'll be thinking of you and whatever you decide will be right.

  6. bunny, I am so sorry for this news. i was hoping that your husbands rosy outlook was accurate.

    Like JB said, after the initial shock of the news you will be able to figure out what the right next steps. Listen to your instincts - you will know what comes next. We're here for you.

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  8. Shit, shit, shit. And shit. I hate this for you, and I'm so sorry. Seriously, does the universe ever give us infertiles a break? What makes me feel exasperated is your RE's attitude--it feels ambivalent, like a "meh" and a shrug. Yech.

    When we were told to go straight to IVF (do not pass go, do not collect $200), the hubster asked the RE why not give IUIs a shot, at least try that. Her response: "I wouldn't be helping you at all by doing that." Obviously our situations are different, but I'm interested in your REs opinion of how ultimately helpful--just how further you will move the ball up the field--with IUIs. It's not a matter of him *minding* doing it, it's a matter of his professional insight into how effective he believes this approach will be. I know you know this, duh. I just want shake your RE by the shoulders. Urgh.

    After my own little (okay, not so little) overwrought and hyperbolic moment last week I realized that it really does take some time to digest all this info, and to distill all the chaotic stuff in your head down to your original goal. I agree with Jen that time will bring you the clarity you need. In the meantime, we're all here with you, boosting you along, championing whatever you decide.

    (sorry about the deletion up there! typo issue!)

  9. Really sorry to hear this was such a miserable experience for you. I don't understand the RE's attitude. Even if he is right (re more IUIs), he needs to rethink his approach, and explain better, and not be so cavalier.

    In any case, I read since then you've decided to go for another IUI. So for lack of any wisdom, I wish you all the best with that.