Friday, March 26, 2010


Yesterday spring was poised to spring. Daffodils were budding, ready to release their blooms. The few remaining Canadian geese on the lagoon outside my office were looking at each other sheepishly. I don't know guys...should we head out? There seem to be a lot of DUCKS around all of a sudden... All this, in combination with my hot flashes, made it seem like I'd be ditching the winter coat any day. But last night it snowed. Today, walking to work, I felt like my face was going to freeze right off. And, gloriously, my day began with an ice pack to the ass, followed by my second Lupron shot. It feels kinda burny, this time. But maybe that's just my ass thawing. Like the frozen earth. Preparing to bring forth new life. Not like my ass. I hope. That would be bad.

So, now comes the time when I begin to freak out for reals. What if there was some miscommunication and I'm supposed to do another month of Lupron? (Don't tell me I could resolve this fear with a call to the office. I know that. And I just confirmed the plan with the nurse this morning. Yet I continue to worry.) I admit to being quite scared about the surgery itself. What if something goes wrong? What if this decision is something I'll regret all my life? Plus, I'm scared about little things, like the fact that I've never spent a night in a hospital before. What will it be like? And what if the recovery is unbearably painful? Let alone all the fears that will arise once I'm through the worst of it and facing six months timed intercourse and negative tests... And don't tell me I could get pregnant. I don't believe you.

I might be extra distraught and pessimistic because of the couple in the RE's waiting room today. The woman came up to the window and cried out ever so loudly, I HAD TWO POSITIVE TESTS THIS MORNING! The office manager congratulated her...blah blah blah. They plunked down next to me in the empty waiting room and I could feel the excitement pouring out of her, and the happiness...uncontainable. I could feel her efforts to make eye contact, which I refused to indulge, as tears were welling up in my eyes. Every time I go in there, someone is getting a beta blood draw after a positive test. I know that's a good thing. It means my clinic is doing right by its patients. God only knows what this couple had to endure to get to that point. And why should anyone have to be discrete about something so thrilling? Why should anyone have to care about the feelings of others in a moment like that? No one should. But it's still going to be depressing for me.


  1. Damn positive boasters. It reminds me that when my cousin managed to wait for her first blood beta before finding out she was pregnant after IVF (she is not a patient person). I made her go home and pee on a stick, saying "you've got years of wondering if that shit works at all, go see for yourself." It is boastworthy, and I expect you to do a freaking dance and shout it out yourself when it happens. That said, it's a real bummer that you have to witness someone else's turn. I am sorry you had to go through that.

    Anticipating that surgery won't make it any better or worse. I'm hoping you get the great amnesiatic-writing-kubla khan-blissful-dreams-drugs and that the hospital will be much like a spa day. A spa day with take home drugs perhaps. You aren't going to have to do another arctic ass Lupron shot, you are one month down on this long road lined up ahead of you. You are going to get there! (I know you don't believe me but I tell you anyway.)

  2. That cold is stretching to these here parts, too. And it's terrible. All the daffodils are shivering. Sorry about the lupron shots, and especially the lack of clarity on the path:(

    You knew the anecdotes would come fast and furious, so here goes: my friend who is preggers with twins had a myomectomy a few months before her positive IVF cycle. She was worried that it would affect things but she got lucky first time out. So there:)

    An RE waiting room is a very peculiar ring of hell, I think. Where else can you have people who are celebrating the best day of their lives sitting right next to people whose hope has been crushed to smithereens? The one good thing is that the visibly pregnant graduate to other offices.

    But I hate those places. Hate them.

  3. RE office braggers are a special species of asshole. How utterly cruel, and how did you forget that that was you less than a week ago? Turds.

  4. I haven't witnessed this at the REs office yet - that's crazy. I hope that doesn't mean that no one's getting knocked up...

    It is very cold here to, what the heck happened to spring?!

  5. That must be heartbreaking. Its awful when other people's happiness just reminds you of your own misery.

    I've never had surgery like this. Just trust that the doctors will give you the best care possible and that you will get your baby once this is all over.

  6. Sorry you had to witness the boasty RE office type. I think that is very insensitive. I'm with Adele. Hate the clinic waiting room. Hate hate hate.

  7. Anyone is an RE's office should have more tact than that. I only had that experience once, and luckily the woman in question was crying and screaming as she ran out of the clinic. Good-bye.

    No snow here, but -17C last night. Hurry up spring.

  8. There's got to be a way to route people through the waiting room so that that never happens. I mean, yeah, it's great that the clinic is having success, and it's great for that woman and her family, but really, does anyone else need to see it? How hard would it be to have some kind of triage with a receptionist and then two distinct waiting rooms? If they were discreet enough about it, you would never even have to know they were sorting patients...

    It's nice out here...I hope it doesn't turn cold again.

  9. Bunny, we must live close to each other. You explained the exact weather here in Cincinnati today. Anyway, the RE's office has been scary, depressing and hope filled all at once for me. I know how you feel.

  10. Ew. That RE office experience sounds terrible. How could anyone have such blatent disrespect for the pain of infertility? You're in an RE's office for crying out loud! Sheesh. Sorry you had to deal with that.
    Sorry you're stressed and seriously this cold weather needs to GO. Now. Hope the sub shines brighter and warmer in the days to come.

  11. Every time I go in there are couples about to do their IUIs. I have been "preparing" for my IUI since November. I have never brought in my hubs for that next step. It brings tears to my eyes to see them walking the path I seem unable to step onto. So I can only imagine what a BFP beta looks like in that darn waiting room. Ouch.

    You will get through this surgery. You will! And there will be better things on the other side. I believe that with my whole heart.

    As for months of meaningless timed sex...well, maybe....but at least you will have a couple weeks of hope every month....isn't the 0% chance of conceiving the worst of it all? (It is to me, at least.)

  12. Yes, let's hope your ass doesn't bring forth new life... :)
    I am really hopeful for you, it just seems somehow positive to be doing something... shots. surgery. voodoo. whatever. This orning I was in a new age bookshop wondering if any of that crap could help me...Anything is better than just waiting and, as you put it, pretending that sex can result in pregnancy. Really??? AND I've gotten pregnant twice before! But even in the face of that evidence, I don't believe in that connection any longer...

    Sorry about Mrs. + in the RE's offive. But I bet she DID suffer to get there!

  13. I hope it warms up soon. It does make a huge difference. I think you'll be fine in your surgery and staying in the hospital. Your hubby will be there with you right? That's all you need. And if he can't make sure someone is there. You can do it though!!! As for the uberexcited BFP Don't they know there are other infertiles still in there? Dumb people.

  14. Seeing other people in the midst of their joy is heartrending. Not because we don't want people to be happy...but because we don't know if we'll ever have that moment and it's too painful to see something we want so badly and just can't have.
    Just because we can't have it right now though doesn't mean we'll never have that joy though. I'm really hoping that the spring blossoms bring new hope and new life to all of us!

  15. I'm so over this crappy cold weather. I want to have my windows open. I want to dig in the ground. I want tank tops and bare feet. Sigh.

    Sorry to hear about the crummy RE waiting room incident. Yesterday morning a couple brought their TODDLER into the waiting room, and all of us quietly waiting just glared at them, sending telepathic sarcastic beams of REALLY, YOU FUCKING MORONS? REALLY?

    You are going to move through all of this future cycle shit gracefully, Bunny. You will. I have no doubt.

  16. It has gotten cold here too and I don't like it. Thankfully it's going to get warmer soon. I get the doubts too I always wonder if I am doing something not totally right. So sorry about the lady in your RE's office. That would have gotten to me too.

  17. I love your honesty bunny. Wish I could have been sitting beside you in the waiting room so we both sent flying daggers out of our eyes to the show off newly pregnant lady. Or at the very least I would have been sitting there with my head down like you trying to will away the tears before anyone noticed, so at least you would have known you weren't alone.

    Re: the surgery. I'm a weirdo when it comes to hospitals and surgery. I actually like them. It makes me feel like i'm doing SOMETHING to help pass away the time between BFNs. You may actually find that the few months forced break to ttc naturally is a bit of a blessing.... My last few months break (altho we havent been actively trying the au natural method, no use flogging a dead horse) have been amazing. I never thought those words would come out of my mouth, I was so anxious about not doing some form of ART that I thought i'd go mental, but it has actually been so much better than I could have imagined. Although I still think about IF every second minute and obsess about never becoming a parent, so maybe not much has changed at all...