I ended up compromising: no far away garden center, no manure. But I did go to the horrible, horrible Hom.e De.pot and get the necessities for starting my tomatoes. As long as I have brandywine tomatoes, I don't care about starting other things from seed. Then BFB came over and she told me all about the miracle of childbirth while I sat there holding Jane. I definitely choked back tears a couple of times. There's something about the part where the husband tells the wife how great she's doing that really gets me. I don't quite know why. Maybe I just want my husband to be proud of me.
Also, BFB seems to have bonded a bit more or maybe she's just more relaxed, 'cause she was doing a lot more tender lovin' and kissin' on her baby, and that's a bit hard to watch.
So this morning I attacked some stumps in my yard to burn off a little of my non-energy. Stump removal is extremely satisfying. I mean, stumps are such assholes. They sit there looking hideous and contributing nothing, and when you try to get rid of them, they totally fight back. FUCK YOU, STUMPS! Make way for some lilies of the valley!
Under the influence of the warm sun (it's 60 degrees! 60!!) and the adorable fuzzeh chipmunk that sat on a rock and observed me, I even had a brief moment of vitality. I thought, Maybe next week I can start fresh. Get back into the swing of things at work, spend some of my home time on activities I used to enjoy... But alas, I know from experience that plans to be more productive and lively In The Future should be met with suspicion. 'Cause when the future comes, I'll still be a wet dishrag. But hopefully one with delicious tomatoes!
I could use a stump to axe the crap out of - that would be soo satisfying.
ReplyDeleteSorry for the hard times with your BFB..those moments would be so hard to watch.
Well, I am sure the manure will be another, soon-to-come day. A fun day! I highly recommend finding an actual horse-ranch. They usually either just give you the manure, or charge some ridiculously low amount for it. And then you are getting real, wormy, steaming, stinky manure that is just so great to work with. And the tomatoes know the difference, too. They like theirs hot and ripe!
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine what it must like to be going all through this while living somewhere with WINTER. I tried to live in a place with winter once, and I nearly died of depression (at one point I stopped showering and spent all day every day in bed with a bright lamp beamed right on my face to simulate the beach). And there wasn't even anything technically wrong with my life back then! Do you come from a wintery area? Or did you just move somewhere frosty because that's where Mediocre Institution is located (as so many of them are... sigh). Because I think you are incredibly brave to challenge Winter and IF simultaneously. Oh yeah, and the stumps, those assholes! :)
That sounds like a seriously satisfying job. I've got a nasty juniper stump with evil fat roots tangling up my front yard. Luckily, the calla lillies pop up twice a year to cover them up, so I forget. I also imagine that you are going to have lovely tomatoes. I've also never lived anywhere where snow was a threat for more than a few days, and never lasted more than a week on the ground. I'm definitely a permanent west coast weather pussy.
ReplyDeleteWe do not have nearly enough stumps in Brooklyn. That sounds very cleansing.
ReplyDeleteThese past few days of sunshine and sweet air were blissful, weren't they? You've inspired me to actually get around to doing some container gardening on my roof deck this year. I'm pretty clueless about plants. I already killed all the ones my mom gave me for my birthday last May.
Lol I'm glad you attacked those asshole stumps!!! That sounds gratifying.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry about BFB...that would make me feel sad and emotional too. =( Too bad she didn't just tell you how ripped up her vag got and how bad it hurt/still hurts! Luckily that's what my SIL told me.
We just bought a chainsaw to clear all of the downed trees from the recent blizzard. I anticipate that sawing through tree trunks might be as satisfying as chopping up stumps. If not, I'm sure I can dig up a stump to try it out :).
ReplyDeleteI just decided after reading your post yesterday that I HAVE to plant something this year. I was waffling back and forth, but I think I'm going to order my favorite Bloody Butcher tomato seeds and get to planting :). Thanks for the motivation!
I think watching people with their babies, watching husbands stare lovingly at their wives, seeing the reality of what we're missing out on is pretty damn hard. Those are heartwrenching moments, for sure...
Oh I completely agree about the father of the baby staring adoringly at the mother of the baby....that look is undescribable. And I so long for finding out for real what it feels like to have that look given to me.
ReplyDeleteYay for stubborn stumps and tomato plants! Us infertile woman are normally very good at growing great vegetables because we are so devoted to producing life that the vegetable seedlings take on a whole new meaning for us.
And you know what, even if you don't follow through with your thought of getting back into the swing of things at work and doing things at home that you enjoy... at least you are now thinking that it could be possible to do those things.. small steps right?
I am IMPRESSED. You are fighting it off!
ReplyDeleteTomatoes, mmm. Spring is on the way..
Stump smashing sounds amazing! Very therapeutic indeed.
ReplyDeleteOuch, seeing your BF doting on her newborn must be so hard. I saw my friend's two-week old yesterday, but somehow knowing she was a result of IVF made it much much easier. Still, it didn't keep me from wanting to keep her for myself.
Why, do you suppose, do women fresh from the delivery room insist on giving a blow-by-blow account of their experiences? EVEN TO THOSE OF US WHO HAVE NOT GONE THROUGH IT? I'd really like to know. And no offense to BFB but, my God, is it unreasonable to request that people confine their descriptions to 100 words or less? Without gushing? Sigh. I suppose not. And I suppose (she says, grudgingly) that we'd be the same. But, sheesh.
ReplyDeleteStump busting sounds good. We live in an apartment. Maybe I could go up to the roof and rip out television antennae. They're an eyesore after all...