I met my psuedo-niece on Thursday, and it wasn't so bad. I was really nervous about it--I guess I was afraid I'd fall apart completely in some humiliating fashion. But no. BFB (that's Best Friend with Baby--PBF's new title) was very much her normal self, not transformed into some disturbing mommy creature. She was also surprisingly chipper. I guess there's a period very early on where things are pretty easy because the infant sleeps all the time, and then things get a lot worse for a while. Jane was a miraculous little object. When she was sleeping peacefully in my arms her face looked just like BFB's. Then she would wrinkle it up in distress and look just like Mr. BFB. She really is a fairly attractive baby, with a perfect rosebud mouth. BFB got a little teary eyed at the sight of me holding her child. I got a little teary eyed at a variety of things. The hardest part, though, was looking at Mr. Bunny, who had a stricken look of poorly-disguised despair on his face. I think he gets all the hard parts of the experience with little of the happiness. It made me feel extra shitty that my defective system has put him through this. He deserves to be a father.
Meanwhile, I have a piece of baby clothing in my house that I am considering keeping for a child of my own. I know this is a terrible thing to do, and if I am foolish enough to go down this path, I am dooming myself to childlessness. But it's so CUTE! My department had a customized onsie made for BFB with Mediocre Institution's logo and our department name on it. Being in charge of the order, I got two. We've got a colleague whose wife is pregnant, so that was *supposedly* what I had in mind when I decided to throw in an extra. But now I'm thinking of keeping it. I keep having these dreams of photos of BFB's baby in her onesie and my baby in its onesie and how adorable it would all be and...This is a mistake, right? I have to get rid of the thing, don't I? I have to go put it in the copy room to wait for some other baby, don't I?
The meeting of the baby is always easier somehow than the imaging the meeting of the baby, in my experience. I'm glad you can share in your friend's joy, at least a little.
ReplyDeleteDon't get rid of the onesie. I'm like you, totally superstitious about buying things for a potential future baby. But I have two onesies I got during my brief pregnancy and they're like magic charms to me. Every so often I take them out and tell myself that they will one day have a baby inside them.
I think you should keep it. But don't keep it somewhere easy to access, where you will see it often (because that's just going to drive you crazy). Pack it away somewhere, know that it's there, and try not to think of it too often. (Hmmm...how would I do with that, I wonder? Not sure...but I still think you should keep it).
ReplyDeleteI've seen a similar look on my husband's face and it guts me every time. I told him once that he didn't sign up for this. But he pointed out that he signed up for me. My guess is that there are a lot of perks to being Mr. Bunny, and the other WILL come. I'd like to say your (and my) relationship will be stronger for all you've been through but I'm philosophically opposed to the idea of redemptive suffering. At the same time, there's something about knowing another person - really knowing them - through bad times. When the good times come, Bunny, they're going to be that much better.
Oh, breaks my heart about Mr. Bunny and I so know how you feel. It makes it so much harder knowing what a wonderful father your husband will be. Makes you want it that much more, right?
ReplyDeleteKeep the onesie...put it away somewhere and try not to think about it too much.
I'm glad meeting the baby and seeing BFB went well. I'm sorry it hurt to see your hubby in that situation. =( I think you should keep it too, and I agree with storing it away where you aren't going to see it or think about it all the time. I think your day will come though =).
ReplyDeleteI shared the same superstition as you about the baby stuff. I would occasionally find something too perfect to pass up and I always told myself that I was buying it for someone else's baby, then shove it in the very back of the spare room closet. I'm sure that anything that's hidden away really well can't possibly count towards bad luck/superstition.
ReplyDeleteYou're totally not jinxing yourself if you keep the onesie.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad that first visit went relatively well. Here's hoping for unfathomable joy ahead.
I've been wondering about you the last couple of days, knowing that you were probably visiting BFB and Jane at some point. I am relieved to hear that it went better than you had initially expected. In my experience with my dear friend who had a little one, there are moments during such visits in which a bizarre amount of grief briefly rears its ugly head, but they are very few. And the happy, amazed moments completely outweigh them. I'm hoping the same for you...
ReplyDeleteSigh. The onesie. Me? I would probably pass it on. Please keep in mind this is coming from someone who feels like even a mere glance toward the baby department of any store dooms me to an enternity of barrenness.
Babies are wonderful, I am really happy for you that you get to hold and love one, even though it isn't yours. The part about your husband makes me sad. But I am happy for you that you have someone to be sad with. It is a special thing, really. Not to be unappreciated.
ReplyDeleteThe onesie? I don't know. I still have a +HPT in my sock drawer, and it hurts every time I accuidentally see it. I can't get rid of it, though. I am irrationally attached to it. Sounds like you might have the same relationship with your onesie.
I'm glad the visit with your friend went well. I am looking forward to meeting my niece next month, but I really am nervous about how I feel when I finally hold her. I anticipate a lot of tears...
ReplyDeleteIt is hard to see our husbands unhappy or in pain because of infertility, and I know they think the same when they see us cry or jab ourselves with needles. I'm glad he could be there with you, even though it was difficult.
and my vote - I think you should keep the onesie!
I have a hat that was meant for my nephew, but turned out too small. I couldn't quite let it go. It's still there on the shelf, magnetic with significance.
ReplyDeleteGlad you survived, bunny. Good on you..
Oh definately keep the onsie! I am generally against buying baby stuff before the baby evenuates but even I have a small box of things at the very back of my wardrobe which has a few special things in it. My rule is that I can put things in the box but I must never open the box and look at the things again till my baby arrives. If it ever arrives. Maybe you should start a secret box and hide it from yourself too?
ReplyDelete