As a number of you reminded me, surgery is a positive step forward. (We assume. If I end up with a hysterectomy, perhaps we'll change our tune.) After all, lots of you don't ever get to do anything, or have to do the same thing over and over, with decreasing faith that it will lead to a cooing, gurgling baby. So instead of dreading, I'm trying to look forward to the surgery. I'm trying to appreciate the fact that there is an action I can take.
Unfortunately, being appreciative has never been my strong suit. Somehow, the line of thinking that goes I'm so fortunate. I've got my husband, my career, my house etc. just makes me feel like I'm being denied my right to bitch and moan. I think it's lovely when I read about other people having moments where they feel gratitude, or where they can resolve not to let IF take over their lives. I can appreciate those feelings on a logical level. The same is true when it comes to appreciating my fairly good prognosis. I am, at this point, still in the Fairly Lucky IF pool. But instead of being hopeful, I just fixate on the fact that lots of women with my basic profile never cross over to the baby side. Many never know why. It would be hubristic to assume it's just a question of time for me. So taking a positive attitude is very...difficult and uncomfortable.
Also uncomfortable is my ENTIRE BODY. I feel like absolute crap. Of course I know it gets way worse that this if you have endometriosis or are doing an IVF cycle. So I'm going to whine about complaints that are, yes, fine, trivial. (Also, I'm covering BFB's class tonight, which meets in the superfine 5:30-8:15 slot. Great for pregnant women / new mothers who need flexible schedules, not so appealing for people who want to crawl into bed at 7:30. This is making me extra crabby.)
I've gained five pounds since Friday. This does at least explain why my abdomen is so attractively DISTENDED. Sexy. I'm brain dead because of interrupted sleep. I can't tell if it's the hot flashes waking me up, or if I'm just waking up and then by body figures, hey, let's squeeze in one of those hot flashes she likes so much! I've had back pain pretty much my entire adult life, but it's extra bad these days, and I even had a massage on Saturday. (Which was lovely, but won't stop me from complaining.) There's a throbbing pain in my left side that makes me imagine horrible things happening to my ovary. And now my knee hurts. How totally unromantic is that?
In short, these are my reasons for not quite being able to hop on the happy train. (It's hard to hop on a train with a bum knee.) But I am trying! Surgery! YAY! Can't wait! If nothing else, it should put an end to the hot flashes.