This weekend the BFB family came over for tea. I was sitting across the table from BFB, and at some point I realized that every time she looked lovingly down at her child, or kissed her, or stroked her face, she would then look up at me. Gaze lovingly into Jane's eyes. Look at Bunny. Tenderly stroke Jane's head. Look at Bunny. I tried avoiding her eyes, but I could feel her continuing to do it. Now, I'm guessing what was going on in her universe was something like,
Bunny and I enjoy cooing over this baby, so by looking at her I'm encouraging her to share in the baby experience. But what it felt like on my end was,
See me lovin' on my fine specimen of babyhood? Oh, I bet it makes you feel soooo bad that you have no baby to kiss, like I'm kissing this one! Look, I just gazed into my baby's eyes! Don't you wish you had a baby whose eyes you could gaze into? Smug. Self important. Looking for signs that I was about to burst into tears...
Not being a paranoid crazy person, I DO realize that this was all in my pretty little head. I'm not sure why my head was so crazy. Could be that I haven't had a real night's sleep in a month, and then there's the part where I get gutted like a fish in a few days. Maybe I've got my reasons. Maybe this is just a normal part of the my-best-friend-has-a-baby-and-I'm-a-defective-husk experience. Whatever.
Moving ON! My best birthday present was...an overlock machine! Mr. Bunny got it for me. What the fuck is that, you ask? An overlock machine creates nice finished seams (like the ones you find on t-shirts and such, with the loops of thread whipped over the edges). I've wanted one for a long time, but never thought I actually deserved it. And now I do. Have one, that is. It remains to be seen whether or not I deserve it
OH MY GOD-- you've just struck new terror into my heart at the idea of a bfb. My bf is going to start trying in September, something I dread completely. She already doesn't get how awful this all is, and she's been with me through the nitty gritty. She assumes I am now 'over it' and says things like, "wouldn't it be great if we got pregnant together?". NO!!! No it wouldn't!!! Because I am an embryo-killer, dude!!!
ReplyDeleteObviously, your friend is looking at you for innocent reasons (likely she loves both Jane and you, and just looks back and forth between the girls she loves because she is just so happy with her effing good fortune to have such a great baby and such a great bf!).
Which is probably the inevitable outcome of a bfb, and why I'll have to become even more of a hermit soon. Because I would freak out about this situation, too!
In any case-- sorry for the rant-- and enjoy your overlocking, my fellow defective husk.
deserve, schmeserve. of course you deserve it!! i can't wait to see what pretty little thing you're gonna make ME with it :o) forget overlock machine, i just want a goddamn SEWING machine. i haven't had once since i was little, but dh (albeit correctly) says that there's no room in our place (nyc apts are not very spacious, you see). *hmph*. i think i will go home and complain today :op
ReplyDeletehmm, could it be that bfb was thinking more like *kiss baby*, then freak out that bunny saw her kiss baby, so look at bunny. *pat baby*, then kick self in the a$$ for being affectionate with baby in front of bunny, so look at bunny again ...?
*ahem*, just noticed your "IF facts". when on earth did you add "february 2011 - consider ivf"?? TAKE IT OFF! it's too early to think about that!! (i'm feeling bossy today) :o)
This makes me thankful that my BF lives in another state, and that my other BF is a typical toddler mom who peppers her affection with genuine frustration and impatience.
ReplyDeleteYay on the overlock machine! My poor sewing machine has been soooooo neglected lately. Can't wait to see what you fire up on it!
The overlock machine looks cool. My mom used to have one and I always loved watching it do its thing. I feel very lucky that my BF isn't married yet and isn't planning on it soon. I can't imagine the bfb just yet. I am so sorry you had to go through that "looking" thing. Ughhh.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you had a good birthday after all; it was shaping up to be something of a s***storm. I hope BFB smartens up a little in time for your next visit!
ReplyDeleteI would have thought the same thing and gotten kinda annoyed that she kept staring at me while doing it, ugh. Thanks for the explanation on your gift. It sounds neat.
ReplyDeleteCan that overlock machine o'yours do things like put bedazzling jewels on jean jackets and stuff too? If so, I'd like to send you a few pairs of jeans and a jean jacket. Maybe some funderwear too. Happy you're going to be sewing cool seams on stuff. I'd like to see some of your handydandywork.
ReplyDeleteIt's when I think that I'm being continuously watched for an emotional response that I go nutsy (like rubberneckers at an accident...move along, people...there's nothing to see here).
ReplyDeleteYou're not crazy. You're staring down the barrel of a gutting (but keep in mind that it's going to be way more hygienic than that...AND it won't end with you being roasted over an open flame but rather gotten with bebe). It's only natural that you would feel a bit cagey.
Very nice birthday present (and you bet your soon to be beautifully hemmed garments you deserve it):)
We have all been paranoid in those types of situations. I know I have with my sisters. No biggie. I think no sleep combined with feeling nervous about the upcoming surgery is at fault. Hell, who can blame you?
ReplyDeleteI know nothing about sewing but your gift looks cool. enjoy!!
Ohhhh an overlocker!!!!!! I always borrow my mums one and have been trying to figure out if I deserved on of my own too. Be sure to show us photos of your creations!
ReplyDeleteI can't believe your surgery is so soon Bunny! I know you are nervous and scared about it but I can't wait for you to be out the other side of this hurdle and on the way towards other ones (sorry, I know you still have a few more to get through which completely sucks).
Re the BFB and the glances in your direction... I would have had the exact same thoughts as you and I would have got so pissed off with the gloating. Even if the gloating is all going on inside your head and isn't intentional it still sucks. If it makes you feel any better I had an experience 2 days ago with my friend where we were driving home with her young children in the back and they were being right shit heads towards my friend (their mother). For the first time in my life I felt (only for a split second mind you) that I was actually grateful to be childless. Of course that thought was banished pretty quickly in case The Universe decided to tune into my thoughts at that very moment and deny me any future children. But for a second I was able to see that there are times when those of us without children really do have a better life. But you know i'd swap it all in a heart beat so what the hell am I talking about. xx
Oh deadly cool! A whatsit machine that you really want and are excited about, that you can use to make things which makes you happy, yes, you deserve that.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, a belated happy bday to you dear Bunny!!! I looked down and it sounds like you had a fab bday with great weather and all!!!
ReplyDeleteSecond of all....UGH.....I would've felt the same way. Dagger through the heart. I believe with all of my heart that you will have a baby too coo over and cuddle. It's just incredibly tough that you have to watch BF do all of the things you long to do until your day comes. xo
It's terribly sad, but for the first time since she moved across the country to Cali, I'm glad my BFB is not close by. The occasional baby pic on Facebook or emailed to my phone are much easier to take than in-person baby snuggling.
ReplyDeleteIt doesn't matter if the gloating is all in your head, it still hurts. But you're surgery is soon (as if you weren't aware) and you'll be in baby-making condition before too long.
It's funny, as I'm sure in her head she's thinking "here is a perfect moment with two people I love most." When you hear "Look what I've got and you don't."
ReplyDeleteOverlock machine! You are a crafty one, Bunny. I'm looking forward to your debut on project runway. I am sitting with a sewing maching with jacked up tension. I created quite a bird's nest tring to sew vinyl (I know WHAT was I thinking!). Mr. Bunny rules getting you such a fine machine.
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