Thursday, April 15, 2010

They say it's your birthday

Happy fucking birthday to me. If you don't recognize this product, you're lucky. Well...probably not, if you're reading infertility blogs. Come to think of it, what's a little protracted diarrhea compared to an IVF cycle, or a D&C? I take it back. I embrace my bowel prep with loving arms. (Next week, that is. No sense in rushing it. And no, it wasn't an actual birthday gift, I just picked it up today. And tied a festive bow on it. Using some leftover ribbon from BFB's baby shower for a dash of irony. 'Cause if I'm going to have to look at it, it may as well be pretty.)

That said, I don't want to turn 34. I know, I'm still young. I'm an asshole for complaining about turning thirty-four. I'm just so scared of crossing that damn 35 line. Even if it's more of a statistical division than a biological one. It's not like the day before I turn 35, my ovaries will be replete with top notch eggs, and when the clock chimes midnight, they'll all mutate or die. But the part that makes me cry is that I have a whole year ahead of me in which I honestly don't expect to get pregnant. By the time I'm done with my forced march of timed intercourse, it will be January. I expect to be completing IVF number one right before I turn 35, and I'm--for whatever reason--assuming it will take more than one cycle. Sure, things could work out better than I anticipate, but that's not going to comfort me until it happens.

So I was moaning about this, and my husband said, Think of it this way. 33 was absolute shit. 34 will most likely be better. Even if it isn't, it's not like you want to stick around in 33. The sooner you get the hell out of 33, the better. That had the ring of truth... if it didn't actually make me feel better.

So...finish your taxes, then have a big shot of something alcoholic in my name, if you can.


  1. Happy birthday Bunny!

    That's how I feel about 30-- right down to knowing I'm an idiot for being upset. And deciding it has to be better than 29.

    This bowel-cleansing birthday may suck, but it's all preparation for the most important birthday of all, future Little Bunny's.

  2. You have my deepest sympathies regarding your upcoming bowel prep. Terrible. My husband had a colonoscopy a couple of weeks ago, and the prep the day before was so sick it was comical. A large bottle of Miralax mixed with a shit-ton of Gatorade, mixed with 4 Dulcolax tablets. Wait for it...wait for it....EXPLOSION. This is totally gross (but funny, so...) -- after hours of shitting my husband came running down the hall to my home office to tell me, gleefully, "It's coming out orange like the Gatorade! I'm shitting pure Gatorade!" He had the craziest look on his face, like the pooing had driven him over the edge.

    Anyway...I have heard that mag citrate is a much better bowel prep than the usual (see above) or the hospital favorite, a gallon of Go Litely (here's a hint: it's a misnomer).

    And I love your ribbon. Every shit-inducing cocktail should be served in style. You should drink it out of a martini glass, I think.

    I just downed a chocolate-banana shake and made a birthday toast to you, Bunny. Skoll!

  3. happy birthday to you *cha cha cha*, happy birthday to you *cha cha cha*!!

    you're hubby is a smart man - the sooner you get out of 33 ... it was a bad year, so it can *only* get better, if you think about it, right? do you guys have special plans for dh to spoil you rotten today??

    i had a colonscopy 6 months ago and the mixture i had to drink made me *gag* bigtime. reading the post above just sent me down memory lane. i took mag citrate and it had me shitting WHITE crap. WHITE. i thought i was going cuckoo or starting to hallucinate. can you imagine white shit? i was so weirded out that i made my husband look at it.

    i'm glad you made your shit cocktail pertty at least. in all seriousness - the surgery might not be fun, but GOOD THINGS are gonna happen AFTERWARDS!! please don't forget the rest of us when you're with child.

  4. Happy birthday, Bunny!

    The bowel prep sounds absolutely terrible...but it is for good reason. Here's to 34 kicking 33's ass. It's got to.

  5. Hippo Birdie to you Bunny!

    I hated hated hated turning 37 and I also loathed 35. I like even-numbered years better...the even-numbered years under 35 that is!

    You ARE lucky to be ONLY 34 - so there.

    Here's cheers to your coming year (I'm having a drink for you), I hope it brings you the baby you want.

  6. Yes we're going to a party party!

    Happy birthday Bunny! And I think your husband's way of looking at it is a really good one. Screw 33. What did 33 do for you? 34 will be so much better. That was our view of all of 2009. Couldn't be over soon enough.

    As far as the bowel juice, I see you have gone for lemon flavoring. I'm guessing it's every bit as bad as the orange, but boy does it make you clean as a whistle:) Not fun, but I do love the ribbon. Ah, the irony.

  7. Happy Birthday Bunny!!! Your husband sounds a lot like my husband...a smart man!! I have never had to do bowel prep...but being on Metformin makes me pooh quite a bit...I wish you the best.

  8. Happy birthday!!

    I've just gone back and read all your posts since I left last week, and: thumbs down to BFB!! I was expecting her to come back with some sort of surprise party for you! Damn! Did you ever send that email? I don't know if I would...

    Also thumbs down to the conference people! At least you won't have to worry about stage fright, and maybe it'll make the conference more fun that way. I am also going to a conference in Portland this year, but I seriously doubt that it is the same one.

  9. This is how I felt on my bday last week. I hate being a year older. But seriously? Last year SUCKED for us. Onto better things. GL with the bowel prep, ay yi yi. I love that you tied a bow on it, that gave me a laugh. :)

  10. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LADY! I hope you and the hubs celebrate it in fun fashion. (And BFB has a standing invitation to kiss my butt. Total bummer.)Anyway, I have a good feeling about 34. Yup.

    Major BLECH to the bowel prep. My colon got the shivers just looking at that picture. That sassy bow didn't fool me for a second. I think you should just pour that shit into beer bong and make quick, sloppy work of it.

  11. Happppppppy Birthday to Yooooohooooooo! I was so happy to turn 34 last month just so I could kiss 33's ass goodbye! I hope this year all your wishes come true. And anyway, all my friends that are pregnant are all over 35. On their own. No IVF. So you never know, your ovaries could be throwing a big ol' "Hooray! We're one year closer to throwing out an egg that makes a baby" party! Happy Birthday!

  12. Happy Birthday, Bunny!

    At least you can say that you aren't full of shit (albeit temporarily). :)

    You go on and get into that dusty fertility pickup and get a good look at 33 in the rearview mirror. Give it the bird and say hello to a better year. You are going to make progress at 34! (I clearly need to stop listening to the country station in the mornings.) Seriously, it's going to be a better year!

    P.s. I have a childhood friend who is nicknamed "bunny" who's birthday is the 17th. I have to say that you bunnies are a seaonal bunch.

    P.p.s. I'll have to make up a new drink for getting a tax return for the first time since the Mr. and I married. Also, edible wafer paper arrived. You were right about Amazon!

  13. Bunny HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! I cannot believe we share the same birthday, I feel really honored. Every birthday I give the finger to the previous year and hope this next one will be better but i'm hoping you and me can combine our Aries stubborn-ness together and fight this one arm in arm. Us 15th April girls gotta stick together. This year HAS to be better. It just HAS to. HAS TO. H.A.S T.O.
    (ps i'm away from home at the moment so have limited internet and will be catching up on your other posts when I get home but just had to jump on and wish you a happy day, I really hope you find a patch of sunshine somewhere) xxx

  14. p.s. I also know well the cruel irony of "childbearing" hips. Let's hope we can put them to use soon, huh?

  15. Happy Birthday Bunny!!!!

    I will have a lovely glass of wine tonight in your honour, I promise. I hope your husband spoiled you rotten.

    34 has to be better than 33. It will be.

  16. Happy Nirthday! I hope this next year surprises you and is a good one.

  17. Happy Bday girly!!! I like your hubby's way of thinking...33 was shit so yay for 34. Plus I like even numbers. ;)

  18. I know you aren't feeling it but I wish you a Happy Birthday. The ribbon on the shitty bottle (pardon the pun) was freaking classic. I am sorry that you have to endure any of this. Here's hopin that 34 brings you everything your heart desires.

  19. Happy Birthday! I know what you mean - I am kind of dreading my birthday next week. It's one more year older without a baby and it sucks. Hope the "prep" went ok...and hope 34 is a great year for you!

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