Tuesday, November 23, 2010

The book *I* need

My mother sent me a couple of pregnancy books. I don't think I could ever have bought one myself, so I guess I should be appreciative. And I am--I feel incredibly lucky to be able to look through them, like any other one of the extremely naive women who appear to be their target audience. Having flipped through them, I have a few observations.

First, no matter what color your skin is, it seems that your baby will be white as the driven snow. There are plenty of pictures of Asian, African American, Latina/Mexicana women during pregnancy, but the babies are all white, white, white. I guess you need to specify in your birth plan that you'd like your baby to be of a particular race/ethnicity, and a lot of women forget in the heat of the moment? I don't know.

Second, the chapters on preparing for fatherhood are all about financial planning. PATERNALISTIC BASTARDS.

Third, these books are no fun for a woman who has no choice about her cesarean. The first few chapters are pretty much pointless (Here's how reproduction works! Oh yeah? FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING FUCKERS. Here are some positions for comfortable intercourse during pregnancy! Ain't gonna need 'em. Here's a chapter on things that can go horribly wrong! I am SO not reading that.) and then it's all about childbirth. I've learned that childbirth is a miraculous process involving a beautiful ballet between myself and my baby, that there are many important ways my partner can be part of the process (which will be an amazing source of tender bonding between us), that I'll be astonished at what my body can do, that I'll be able to look back on the experience as one in which I was tested and triumphed... I've also learned that c-sections are evil. That my baby won't breastfeed, will have asthma and other respiratory problems, and will pretty much grow up to be a serial killer. Okay, I get why they feel the need to get all scoldy about c-sections. But I have to say, it feels pretty shitty to read. Every chapter seems to insinuate that I am unworthy of this experience in some way.

So here's the book I need:
You are going to have a healthy, happy, baby and kick some fucking ass at this mothering biznass. Let's take a look inside.

Chapter 1: Getting pregnant the hard way: You are a bad ass.

Chapter 2: Survivor's guilt: Yes, you're less of a bad ass than your infertile internet friends who have been through so much more. But you can't do shit to help them get/stay pregnant except show your love. Their journeys are their journeys.

Chapter 3: A hundred thousand reasons why you will NOT lose this baby and why it's okay to want sleep more than sex. And yes, you can eat that fucking snicker's bar. Have two.

Chapter 4: Having a c-section: It won't turn your baby into a murdering cannibal who stabs kittens in the eyes, and your husband will love you despite your inability to do any of this like normal women. And yes, you won't be able to compare labor stories with other women, but fuck them anyway.

Chapter 5: Breastfeeding will be fine.
Chapter 6: Why formerly infertile couples make better parents.

My next OB appointment is on Monday, and I've pretty much run out of faith that everything's okay, so I could really use Chapter 3 right now.


  1. can i deduce from this that you're going to have a c-section bc of your fibroid surgery?

    one of you needs to write a book with the above chapters please. you can get rich off of it. i'd buy a 100 copies just to support you. i'm serious.

    i'm only 4 days out of my last doctor's appt and bc of the nightmares i've had in the past few days about ppl chasing me up trees and trying to kill me (i'm serious), i'm worried about the little one. again. after promising myself i'd chill out for a whole week. ugh. hang in there till monday, bunny. hopefully thanksgiving and bunch of yummy food will distract you??

  2. First--everything is O-TAY with Bun-Bun, no symptoms does not= problem. Secondly let's look at the plus side of the c-section (cause I'm proably gettin one) you get to schedule when you give birth and no 18 million hours of labor--you had a myomectomy so you are prepared for the pain, finally Bun-bun's head will be nice and round. Yeah the books are not writen for us--but I think your book idea sounds great and there's a real need for it!

  3. Ahh, please write that book! I'm in need of chapter three today. it's been nearly 3 weeks since fetus is ok verification.

    Though i know bun bun is doing perfectly fine in there :).

  4. I was reading one of those articles-for-clueless-preggos the other day and it literally read, I kid you not, "One of a woman's biggest fears during pregnancy is that she is gaining too much weight."

    Ummmm, that's one of your biggest fears?????? Fucking lucky shallow bitches!

  5. Yes. I also am all for the writing of the bunny book. Go on, bunny. You know it makes sense. I can see you now on the book circuit using your unique pregnancy terminology. Oprah, and whatnot. Oh go on! The world needs you.

    Also applying the good vibes re BunBun. I have a good feeling. All is well.. All is well.

  6. I just snorted coffee out of my nose, and I was having a particularly bad "the stupid smiley face won't show up on the stick" morning. I agree with everyone else, you have to write that book!

    ***Good vibes to Bun Bun***

  7. I love this, hysterical. i always count on you for a good laugh.
    Good luck at your next appt!!!!

  8. I want your book. Can you write a follow-up that includes a chapter entitled "Your baby will continue to live even if you don't check on his breathing every hour"? Also, a chapter called "Mother-in-laws don't know jack so here's a song you can sing in your head while they're blah-blahing."

    Also, Dexter is a muy caliente serial killer. I'd jump him. Just sayin.'

  9. you are the funniest bunny on the planet! i laughed hard reading this post and... i need that fucking book!

    everything will be fine with bun bun, i'm sure of it.

    and... i'm with JB - i'd jump dexter too.

  10. I definitely want that book!!! I hope the time before your OB appointment goes super fast - and your appointment will be great!!!

  11. Bunny, a serial killer is not something to sneeze at. One cannot help this and your only course of action given that your odds with a c-section it seems 1 out 2 babies turn to the dark side, is to give the wee-soon-to-be-psycho-baby-bunny proper criminology classes. Say to the bun "serial killers need to be caught!" I believe the children's book, "What's with the neighbor's late night digging?" will be invaluable in your child's emotional health.

    Your parental challenge will to turn your bun into a "serial killer" hunter, a super cop if you will. Where the mad killer skillz are put to task of SOLVING crimes!

    Bet you never thought there was a silver lining out there. Otherwise, just tell the booger to not get caught and keep it reasonable in terms of body count. Your welcome.

    Ps. Sending you all the normal vibes of calm easy pregnancy fineness I can muster, which is going to make me extra weird during turkey day and my family's gonna hate me for it. I will write chapter 3 for you, whenever that publisher picks up the concept.

  12. PS. I read somewhere that astigmatism is caused by a vaginal birth where the mother's canal is too narrow, so your child's eyes are squished permanently and need glasses for the rest of their life. Your welcome, again.

  13. I only bought one pregnancy book, the Mayo Clinic one. I just wanted something basic and, well, not fear-mongering. The What to Expect ones make ME want to stab a kitten in the eyes. I have a bunch of those in my office that I am supposed to share with patients, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I think they're garbage. (Sorry to anyone who loves those books!)

    And I hatehatehate most magazines dedicated to pregnancy. We have a ton of those hanging around at work, and I have flipped through them to pass the time (a constipated girl has to do what a constipated girl has to do), and I basically just want to wipe my ass with them. So entirely unrelatable.

  14. My view? You can learn anything you want from us. Because like Trinity said, the pregnancy mags are garbahge (Fit Pregnancy? Really? How about just "please let this result in a live healthy baby Prenancy" as a monthly magazine?) and the books, well, since we only have the one that we got for free, you can see how much stock I really put in them.

    And the anxiety is normal right around this time -- there are no signs of le bebe and you have to just go on faith that it is still cooking away in there. It sucks hugely and requires faith that I'm pretty sure I didn't have. Weeks 13-20 should just come with some sort of anti-anxiety medication that gets dripped into you every several days.

    So ask the internets. There are enough women who read your blog who are either parents now after IF or a bit ahead of you in the process that you can at least get a decent sampling of infor. OB certified? Nope, but real life is better than what you can read anyway.

  15. I think every IF lady who finally hit the jackpot needs your book. I hear about this constantly from my infertile & knocked up internet friends. It's impossible to read that pregnancy garbage targeted towards fertiles--Too naive, too happy and fluffy. We need realism.

    Get on it, Bunny. I'm buying a copy.

  16. Oh Bunny, you are such badass that you will undoubtedly make millions writing this book. Please do.

    Your friend from the future assures you that Bun Bun is all safe and well. He is just keeping quiet now, in order to lull you into a false sense of security. When he is born he will be one badass baby, just like his Mom.

  17. I want to read chapter 3, toooooo. You should write the book Bunny!

    And I agree, the anxiety builds and builds as the appt approaches. Fortunately, I can see the future and KNOW that all is well with Bun Bun. Hang in there until then....warm baths, Zen thoughts, distracting cookie (isn't it time we were treated to pics of your autumnal kitchen masterpieces?!), etc etc etc. xoxo

  18. Oh Bunny I would love it if you wrote this book. I would love it even more if one day soon I need this book.

  19. Lol! I think you need to write this book! Clearly there is a need!!!

  20. I read this twice. You are such a funny mother fucker and I needed it so badly tonight.


  21. Thanks Bunny... you just made my night. I love you!

  22. Write the book! :)

    Seriously, we should make it a group effort and write the 'Getting to Baby after your BFP' bestseller. Only TTC folks would get the BFP part.

  23. That book sounds fantastic. I'm in. And yeah, most pregnancy books seem to be bullshit. I'm glad I didn't let my brother and his wife give me What to Expect When You're Expecting for my birthday, first of all because I had already begun miscarrying, and second of all because eff that hooey. But then again, I never got a birthday present from them. Fine.

    Hope your Monday appointment knocks your socks off with its perfection of Bun Bun development. I'm going in for pre-IUI monitoring that day; go team!

  24. Haha. Please write it. We all need it.

  25. You're a treasure Bunny. I would totally buy that book and read it cover to cover right now, even in my unpregnant state it seems like a book I'd wanna get my hands on.

    Love your work. Bun bun is happy inside you and is cracking up at your hilarity too. And probably perfecting his silent serial killer moves (which is why you can't feel him, he's in stealth mode).

    Seriously though, I didnt know you were having a c-section. I want to punch all those mainstream normal pregnant know it alls who have cast doubt in your mind about your skills as a mom. You will be ace. You will rock at it. You will be amazing. And Bun Bun will never be short of a laugh because you are hilarious.

  26. I would read your book, and I'm not even pregnant. Good luck with your appointment and happy Thanksgiving.

    Also I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling survivor's guilt. Your bad-assitude is not dependent on the bad-assitude of those around you and does not bear comparison. You are on your own path just like the rest of us are.

  27. This post made my day. Bun Bun is fine. You'll hear a nice, robust heartbeat on Monday.

  28. You should totally write that book, bunny. I'm sure I'll need it if/when I ever get pregnant. And make sure to include some stories of vaginally delivered serial killers.

  29. Amen to every single one of those chapters. And, yes, those books do seem to be written with a certain 1950s demographic in mind.

    Of the huge number of babies which have been born to my friends and relatives in the past few years (20+) about a third of them came into the world through C sections. Not a single one of them had any of those problems. So poo poo to the scare tactics in those books. You're going to be a super-mom-breast-feeding badass.

  30. Might I recommend a slight revision to Chapter 5? Something along the lines of "Breastfeeding will be fine and if it's not you'll ALL be fine."

    Perhaps a slight revision to Chapter 4 as well? Because I love sharing c-section stories with other mothers. So you won't miss out on that totally.