Monday, November 22, 2010

OH MY BOWELS!

Back when I first started trying to conceive, I made sure to plan ahead and request an afternoon teaching schedule. So that morning sickness wouldn't interfere with teaching, see? Let's all just take a moment to point and laugh at my stupid former self.

Luckily, the internal woes I've suffered have interacted fairly well with needing to teach. There have been a few times I thought I was gonna spew in the middle of my lecture, but I had my air sickness bag, a quick exit route planned, and I was just going to hope I'd remember to turn off the microphone I have to wear in my larger class. So far, so good, on that end. But Thursday, in my smaller class, the other end of my digestive tract reared its ugly head. The students were working on their papers, and I was chatting with one guy about his outline, when suddenly...ATTACK OF THE SUPER-INTENSE INTESTINAL CRAMPS. I knew what was coming. My jammed up bowels were finally ready to evacuate, and when they did, they were going to evacuate with a vengeance. My eyes glazed over. I  felt faint. Cold sweat sprang from my brow. I thought maybe I could play through the pain. But...no. With a trembling hand, I passed the student's outline back and said, I have to step out for a moment. THANK GOD I knew where the nearest restroom was. THANK GOD it was empty, because, oh lord, no one deserved to be exposed to what ensured thereafter.

Anyway, my intestines are now totally ready to start packing it in again! So that maybe we can repeat the experience this week.

21 comments:

  1. ROFL!I actually know this feeling! Having had weight-loss surgery (gastric bypass) nothing affects me the same way twice. I may be able to eat a bite of a brownie today...tomorrow, a severe thunderstorm happens in the lower regions. I hate it even more when it happens in PUBLIC!! OMgoodness!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oh this is awful! I have done that run down the hall, hoping to make it in time... Hilarious post - thanks for sharing!!!

    ReplyDelete
  3. omg ... what an awful feeling that must have been! my bowels have been doing the same damn thing! total constipation nation for a week and then boom! the colon decide to empty out in one shot. good thing you have the best route to the bathroom mapped out :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. Oh dear - poor bunny! SITUATION:CRITICAL
    That happened to me once on a bus - I had to jump off and lunge frantically for the nearest pub. I'll always be grateful to that place, bless it.

    ReplyDelete
  5. heehee, i don't mean to laugh, but this is something that has happened to me, so i'm giggling. in my case, not as bad, bc i don't teach in a room full of ppl, but i was having my mid year review last month with my boss and all of a sudden, halfway through, i REALLY had to go. so i told him my bladder was gonna burst, and could i come right back? i said it soo suddenly and aggressively, that he was taken aback :o) i hope you weren't missing from the classroom for *too* long :o) xoxo.

    ReplyDelete
  6. This happened to me once during a lesson with an extremely difficult student. I think he thought he had finally stepped over the line when I had to "step out for a moment." :-)

    I'm glad you had a clear path to the bathroom at least.

    ReplyDelete
  7. So glad you made it. Laughing with you not at you ;)

    ReplyDelete
  8. Oh yeah--good time, I was on a walk when that happened to me thought I was going to soil me panties thankfully there was a port-a-potty, I'd like to say I've never been so happy to see one but it's a port-a potty so happy isn't the right word.

    ReplyDelete
  9. lol, oh my bowels!! I've had a few um interesting instances like this, usually when I'm on a leisurely walk with my dog and you know like two miles away from my house and think ooooh shit how the hell am I going to make it home...and proceed to speed walk home hoping I don't explode.... Glad you made it to the bathroom.. :-)

    ReplyDelete
  10. I just wanted to stop in and say I LOVE A POST ABOUT POOP. Perhaps it's my own issues in that department, perhaps it's my undying love for toilet humor in general. Whatever ever it is, I love a good post about shitting. Or not shitting. Yep.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Ugh.. I'm so sorry! That sounds shit-tastic.

    ReplyDelete
  12. As a recent prisoner of the need to "crop dust" thanks to my Metamucil, I get it.

    Cold sweat made me laugh. Shitballs, I needed a laugh today. Thank jaw you didn't have a bad ending to the crap attack.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I cannot resist a poop post!!!!!! I guess b/c I'm obsessed with my own issues. Sounds utterly panic-y to have such a violent need to go mid-conversation, but way to keep your cool. And I bet it was sweet relief! :) No seriously, I hope you don't have another incident, but glad to hear things are moving! xo

    ReplyDelete
  14. I thought you were going to say you crapped your pants! What is it with you pregnant women and jacked up bowels?! ;) Happy you made it to the toilet! ♥

    ReplyDelete
  15. You are so lucky that your students are old enough to be left in the classroom/lecture hall unsupervised! I had a couple near misses and it's much harder to excuse yourself when it means leaving a whole room of 8 year olds free to run wild sans teacher!

    ReplyDelete
  16. Praise the Lord for conveniently placed lavatories. Oh my!
    Nice that there was an evacuation, however inconveniently timed.

    ReplyDelete
  17. How do you do it? How do you make this horrifying close call so damned funny? You're a gem.

    ReplyDelete
  18. That is freaking funny. I am sure at the time you were not finding the humor but looking back at it you were able to laugh. Priceless Bunny, just priceless.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Oh, my. What to say? Hope...everything's okay? Glad you had located the nearest exit? You are one funny bunny.

    ReplyDelete
  20. this makes me feel a bit better about my summer class and the day i was visited therein by an unexpected, unmistakable, and VERY loud fart.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Is it terrible of me that I chuckled throughout this post? So glad you were able to make your quick exit and SO GLAD that none of your students took it as an opportunity to, you know, go to the bathroom:)

    Here's hoping the bowels calm down and that was the last of it (well, not the LAST of it because that would be bad, but the last of the dire, urgent need to go).

    ReplyDelete