Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Grey days are still grey days

I know some of you feel that any sign of complainy-like-behavior from a Miraculously Pregnant One is an insult to those still striving, plus an invitation to the fates to kill the Pregnant One's baby, and perhaps all babies everywhere. I hear ya, I really do. However, I wonder if we don't do each other a disservice by putting a brave face on this experience. I hope I can express some things that are not exactly rainbows and puppies without filling your hearts with hate. Perhaps if I enclose them in a impenetrable wall of gratitude, the babies of the world will be safe. {I'm so grateful to be pregnant} Today is a grey and rainy day. I just slogged through the rain to a meeting that no-one told me wasn't taking place anymore. The thought of teaching a roomful of listless disease vectors who don't want to be there any more than I do just makes me want to cry. I haven't slept well in a million years, and am utterly useless. I don't like vomiting (I've started vomiting) and perpetual nausea. (I keep thinking, I'll never drink again!, then remembering I'm not hungover!) My cold won't go away. My house is a mess because I'm too feeble to pick up, and my husband is too lazy and oblivious to take over my duties. {I'm so grateful to be pregnant}

I'm not looking for sympathy or anything, just telling it like it is. Plus, it's been a long time since that ultrasound, and it becomes difficult to imagine Bun Bun is still in there. I'm not exactly worried, just incapable of really believing in a good outcome.


  1. God do i hear you! But then I think that if peopled don't want to hear my thoughts they can click away. I'll be nervous as fuck until this baby comes out alive and I'm going to express that in my blog.

    i wish i could sleep too. that would help out everywhere. but then i think if I slept at all I would never want to wake up until April.

  2. Ugh. I wouldn't like vomiting either. I was hungover from 1.5 glasses of wine (because I'm that tough) yesterday, and that was already enough for me. Hang in there, Bunny and Bun Bun.

  3. I would rather you tell it like it is - tell us the real experience of pregnancy - than gloss over it all and pretend like everything is sunshine and rainbows. Of course this is tough, and of course you can complain.

    I hope you feel better soon, or can get some drugs from the doc that can at least stop the vomiting!

  4. I think it's an awful tyranny that says someone who has suffered from fertility problems should never complain once pregnant, but should suffer the violent puking/tiredness/sickness with a beatific smile on her face, full of profound gratitude for every wave of nausea.
    We reserve the right to be human!

    That's all. End of broadcast.

  5. Oh No. It's ok, complain away. Sounds like the it's on the list of shittiest days. Maybe not right at the top but still. The Hangover analogy sounds awful... I hope the sun comes out and you start feeling better. Thanks for being a bright spot in my day. :) Hugs!

  6. you can complain all you want to me! i'll listen and probably through a complaint or 2 back your way :) you're describing my days (with the exception of the teaching). vomiting is more frequent for me and the nausea is just there all the time. i'm really ready to feel better and (hopefully) have another 4-6 weeks of this. its overwhelming to think about.

    i hope your grey days start to look up soon ... an ultrasound would certainly help! when is your next one?

  7. Thank you for posting this. In all honesty, my pregnancy has been miserable...you know, except for being so completely ecstatic that I'm pregnant. The morning sickness is really awful - and I'm going on 15 weeks here. So I definitely feel your pain.
    And, yeah, the time between ultrasounds is brutal. But I guess the nausea is a nice reminder that something is happening down there :)
    I always tell myself that even though we tried harder to get pregnant, it won't make pregnancy or motherhood easier. More appreciated? Yes. Easier? No.

  8. I've been there, believe me. It took me so long to get pregnant that when I finally did, I said, "morning sickness? Bring it ON!" And well, it kicked my butt 16 hours out of the day. Projectile vomiting, nausea, exhaustion, the whole works.

    There's no reason to feel bad that you feel horrible. Just know that there IS a light at the end of the tunnel. Mine came at exactly 12 weeks. I hope yours comes sooner.

  9. I feel like I need to retract my earlier comment on my absent sympathy for your pregnant-woman woes. It was tongue and cheek, really, and I hope that is the only way you took it (because that is really the only way I meant it).

    I can appreciate that even if {you are so grateful to be pregnant}, you are still not feeling well but are nonetheless expected to continue life as if everything was firing on all pistons. And that really sucks. I hate having to go to work sick. It's just a fraction of my whole self trying to create the illusion that I'm really all there. Ugh.

    I hope that you can let yourself be ok with 60-70% (or whatever amount you feel is there) of your normal capacity. Doing your best is really good enough.

    Sending you hugs, Bunny.

  10. Yes. 'Fertile' women aren't expected to prance into the office chortling 'I puked three times this morning! It's marvellous! I'm so tired I fall asleep face-down in my dinner! Hurrah!', so why the hell are we?

    Hope the sicky stage gives way to a wonderful 'blossoming' stage. Fingers crossed for the ultrasound.

  11. Whaddya mean, you don't like vomiting? For shame!

    Yes, PLEASE!, tell it like it is. We know you are grateful to be pregnant. You fought to get here, but the current 'here' is a step on the way to where you really want to be - with your baby in your arms.

    And although parenting will come with its own tough shit, I imagine the rainbows and unicorns will come shooting out of your hoo-ha with your little one. (Nice imagery, yes?)

    Until then, you're making a person while trying to still be your own person. It's hard work. I hope the sicknesses ease up, and quick-like.

  12. I feel ya sista! I've been sick with rx meds here for coming up on a month. It's getting OLD! I am thankful everyday but man, I wish the sickies would go away!

  13. :( so sorry to hear you are having a bad and not feeling too well. By no means does complaining mean that you are not appreciative of your little bun.
    Hoping you feel better soon.

  14. Give me the name of the mother fuckers who let my pregnant Bunny walk through the rain for no valid reason.

  15. I'd give anything for a grey day right now!!! So Cal has been the hottest that it's EVER been, and I have no A/C, plus a pregnant lady thermostat, keeping my body temperature at, like, 120 degrees. Screw all that 'don't sleep on your back' crap... Like anyone could possibly stand to be in sticky fetal position while soaking sweat into the bedsheets?

    I am sorry you are so sick :(

  16. Yeah sleeping and not puking is very nice. You are allowed to complain---and here's a tiny perk--tell your husband that he needs to clean the house or pay soemone to do so as you can not possible do it in your current condition! Also the puking and not sleeping will get better in a few weeks, the waiting for the ultrasounds won't get any easier.

  17. it's been grey and rainy all week in nyc too. this weather has been depressing and i'd wanna shoot myself, if it wasn't for this recent turn of events for me.

    icky on the puking and nausea. is there anything that makes it better?? you're allowed to complain and feel like crap. after a rocky road to finally get pregnant, i swear, she should all be blessed with symptomless, glowing, pregnancies. i dunno if it's bc i started taking metamucil, but since the weekend, i have been miss gassy galore. my poor husband. if this is what pregnancy has in store for us, he might wanna rethink this. nastay!!!!

    sorry to worry you on my result!!! i need to work on my superstitiousness. i was convinced if i wrote too early, that the 2nd line would go away. egg told me she tested every day leading up to her ultrasounds, so after giving myself the day off yesterday, i just bought a 3pack so i can keep testing. i need that peace of mind!!!!!!!!

    anyways, can you get a housekeeper to come clean for you??? when are you telling bfb?

  18. It's only the uber-fertile who aren't allowed to complain.:)You, my dear, should feel free to complain as much as you like.

    Sorry to hear about the nausea etc, most unpleasant. I am glad you did write though, as I was starting to worry about you and Bun Bun, as it is not like you to be so quiet for so long. So, write away, complaints or no. Am hoping you feel better soon.

    And thank you for your comment with the wacky anecdote, most heartening. (Bad pun not intended) xo A.

  19. You can complain. It's allowed because (and here's the part no one told us) being pregnant is HARD. Youre fucking exhausted ALL. THE. TIME. The nausea is, well, the nausea sucks beyond sucking (every time I'd retch, since I was more of a dry heaver than a puker, my husband would say -- that's awesome! It's working! Until I lofted a shoe at his head. Then he got a bit smarter.)
    And there is so much anxiety about every step working out that it just seems as if the good part is all a dream and the bad part is just some shit-poor consolation prize.

    So complain away. You are definitely allowed.

    But you are pregnant and it is eventually going to be awesome. Every time you see the little bun on the U/S, it is all sooo worth it.

  20. I think it is a disservice to pretend to one another that pregnancy is all sunshine and rainbows. First we have to suffer through IF and all the nasty, nastiness that entails, then in pregnancy we make ourselves feel guilty, for what? Because we don't enjoy vomiting up our breakfasts/tending our hemorrhoids/experiencing painful heartburn? Whatever - say what you will. No evil will be able to penetrate your wall of gratitude.

  21. You and Bun Bun are going to be fine. I know it in my heart. But you're right, grey days are still grey days.

  22. Thanks for telling it like it is, Bunny. This isn't easy at all - pregnancy after IF is HARD mostly mentally but also physically.

    Hang in there and can't wait till you get to the 2nd tri :-)

  23. Hang on, hang on...(Not that I know what the fuck I'm talking about, but I'm told it gets better!)

    What a shitty day you had. Rain + cancelled meeting + sniffly students + puking? Yuck. A little kid puked at my work yesterday and it made him feel a lot better (his mom was so embarrassed!), but it doesn't seem to work that way for adults.

    I hope you feel better soon.

  24. I LIKE your honesty. :) This is all part of the experience, whether we want to admit it or not. I can imagine it must be really really hard between ultrasounds!

  25. Oh, I completely hope that you don't censor yourself due to what other people are going through. Pregnancy is NOT easy, no matter how long and hard you fought for it. There are still going to be days when you think, "ugh... I just want to feel normal again!" It would be weird if you DIDN'T ever complain. Seriously.

    I hope your days start lookin' up soon, my dear.

  26. I NEED you to keep posting and to be as foul as you want!

  27. :)

    You had me at "listless disease vectors". Kvetch away.