Monday, September 13, 2010

I wish it were next week

I vacillate between thinking my talk is perfectly fine (maybe not the amazing piece o' genius I dreamed it would be when I was first invited to give it, but probably not the worst talk anyone in the audience will have ever heard--possibly not even the worst talk at the conference, though that's a bit cocky) and being convinced it's a shameful piece of shit that will make everyone avoid eye contact with me for the rest of my short and painful career.

I vacillate between thinking the embryo can't possibly die and thinking it can't possibly live. I remind myself that I'm not bleeding or cramping, and myself reminds me that I don't feel any symptoms other than the eternally sore rack.

I just want it to be next week. But then I think about the fact that next week may rank quite high on the list of worst weeks of my life...and I crawl under my desk. Literally. It's very cozy down there.  But then I have to come out to grade stupid papers.

Meanwhile, I was telling Mr. Bunny that you guys had totally reassured me about flying, but that I was still worried about being trapped in some crappy middle seat and having to climb over a stranger in order to walk around. It turns out Mr. Bunny had secretly used his frequent flyer miles to upgrade us to first class! He was planning to surprise me, but figured now was the time for the surprise. He wanted me to be as comfortable as possible during this trying time. It made me feel really loved and cared for.


  1. Nodding over the vacillating - it's just so hard showing your work in public, arg ARG arg. On the other hand, something more reassuring, like, it'll actually be fine, in reality. And so will the u/s, because I say so.

    Nice one, Mr. B! Order a vegetarian meal, (do I remember well, that you are one?) Very sad when they didn't have any first class food for me that time I got a bump up.

    I could have written that better, couldn't I. Ah well. The point is got.

  2. I am rooting hard for next week to come quickly, too. Baby Bunny is fine, your talk is brilliant, and next week you'll have assurances of both of those things. Oh, for time to pass, huh? Thank goodness for the first class seats. Mr. Bunny is wonderful! :)

    I too love the idea of making a little nest under my desk. A la George in Seinfeld. Anyways, at least paper-grading is semi-mindless. That's a help! Too bad you don't have some data to clean up, too. Or even to enter.

  3. Awwww, that was sweet of Mr.Bunny!!!! I used to want to climb under my desk as well...but everything will work out just fine!!!

  4. That is so sweet of your hubs, I'm literally melting.

    Ditto Leslie's remarks. Everything is good! Great! Wonderful! Ahhhh! I hear takes forever for the time to pass when anxiety is involved. It seems like everyone else is in a time warp zone (zipping into the future at top speed), and I'm crawling through my days. xo

    PS I had the middle seat on my 4 hour flight to Portland a couple weeks ago. The guy in the aisle wanted to kill me by my 4th trip to the bathroom. Ohhhh well!

  5. Mr. Bunny is the best! Full points on technique, execution and timing.

    What day is your talk? Your adoring fans would like the opportunity to think about you on the day of the actual talk and send you unseeable waves of prayers/vibes/positive thoughts. I am convinced you will be interesting and brilliant. I believe your talk will provoke admiring glances, and not darting glances.

    And baby bunny is snug in his/her little nestled portion of your uterus. Next week you will get to see him or her. In the mean time, you are working with the facts that you have available. And the facts say that you are pregnant.

  6. Aww...that was incredibly sweet of your husband.

    I'm sure your talk will be great.

    How do I know?

    I just do.

  7. Hooray for Mr. Bunny! First class is lurvely. I actually once got caught napping under my desk at my last teaching job. "Caught" is maybe a little strong, since it was by a colleague and not a higher-up, and it was time that belonged to me, to do with what I pleased. But it was still pretty goofy to have the door suddenly open, the lights flip on, and there I was...a grown-ass woman, curled up under my desk.

    Anyway, I happen to know that your talk is better than you think, and your bunnikin thriving. Isn't it nice to have readers who can set your mind at ease?

  8. Awww, what a sweet Mr B! Great husband. Enjoy flying first class.

    Can't wait to hear good news from your first u/s...I know the emotional ups and downs are hard - will be thinking of you!

  9. Fabu for first class, such a nice Mr. Bunny you have. I wanted to wish you tons of luck at your talk and with your scan next week. Fingers are crossing for both. I am very inerested in what kind of psych you teach/ research. I kinow that violates some of this confidentiality stuff in the blog world, so I do not ask too many questions. Good luck, either way.

  10. Good move, Mr. Bunny. Nothin' says lovin' like first freakin' class. :) I have no shortage of confidence that your talk will be a success. And I'm not saying that because I'm trying to be nice and supportive, but because you're a darling shade of brilliant, my friend. Own it.

    Last time I crawled under my desk I found a stale Mento, a squished Skittle and a raisin that was probably a grape in the not too distant past. Apparently yours truly is a very sloppy eater. And a poor housekeeper.

  11. Aww, Mr. Bunny is awesome! What a very sweet hubby you have :).

  12. Mr Bunny is my hero. I can't think of a better gift right now than a first class flight for a Bunny-with-baby. So freaking cool.

    The see-saw of emotions is exhausting. The only advice I can give (and it's not actually advice I follow myself but I'd LOVE it if it did) is to forget about the see-saw. Leave that playground and don't go play there anymore. Just focus on RIGHT NOW. Right now Bunny is pregnant and she has absolutely no reason to believe otherwise (nope, don't let your mind trick you into thinking you have reason to doubt it because it's just not true).

    As for your talk... I cannot believe you'd be anything less than amazingly inspirational.

  13. Everyone knows first class is about drinking it up. What a pity.

    Offer this large sacrifice to the gods for a quick and (relatively) painless delivery.

  14. What Egghunt said! Exactly...just focus on the now, I know it's hard...but try. Science says: pregnant with behbeh bunny.

    Futuregirl says that your talk will go exceedingly well, you will be the rock star of conference world, and you professional reputation will be forevah established. Not to mention the professional advancement you will secure for being so brilliant.

    I happen to one hundred per cent agree that there is nothing worse than climbing over people on an aeroplane. Aisle seats, all the way.
    Well done Mr Bunny! What a wonderful husbandly thing to do.

  15. YAY Mr Bunny!!! What a perfect thing to do for you!! =)

  16. That is the most awesome thing Mr Bunny did! I bet you will do great with your talk and will feel awesome about it after.

  17. i love mr bunny. i seriously have the cutest image of the two of you and know that you guys totally rock as a couple!!! i'm sure your talk is gonna rock and for your sake, i hope next week gets here asap so that you can get it over with.

    hope baby bunn(ies) are treating mommy really well and i'm sending you big big hugs :o)

    ps - thanks for the comment the other day. it means a lot! i'm hanging in, and will post soon :o)

  18. I know that vacillation so least the baby part. It was like a constant argument in my mind that everything was fine or everything was NOT fine. It sucks, and hopefully you will get tons of reassurance and confidence at your ultrasound.

    Yay for 1st class!! I flew business class on my 15-hour flight to Hong Kong and have no idea how I would have survived otherwise. And...I most definitely did not get up every hour or drink enough water. Oops.

  19. I expect you to walk through coach and say "FIRST CLASS! Suck it nerds!"

    What a super sweetie! It's a good thing you locked that down early. :)

    I am wishing you very safe travels and all sorts of non-butterfly thoughts as you prep for your talk. You will simply kick ass, and I know it.

  20. Don't take this the wrong way, but I think I love Mr. Bunny:)

    Waiting is the worst part of this. And the vacillating - how could you not? You're in the limbo part of pregnancy. Most definitely pregnant, but before you've crossed that lovely border into viability. Hang in there, Bunny. Just a little ways to go. And while I know that it's hard to take solace in this: the odds are overwhelmingly on your side.

  21. man, can i relate to this post! we're pretty much in the exact same position - i may be 1 week ahead of you. i know how hard it is to wait! hold on to the moments when you realize you're not cramping or bleeding.... thats what i have been doing (you know, during my 30 or so bathroom checks per day). there's a lot to be said for that...

    wishing for it to be next week for you, bunny.

    and ... i'm with adele... i think i love mr. bunny too!

  22. GOOD ONE, MR.B! That's so great. I'm sure your talk will go well. And I can totally see your embryo growing and growing and growing just like it should.

  23. That's fantastic about first class! Yay Mr. Bunny. Wishing you all kinds of luck for both things next week.

  24. Hey! Guess what! It's almost next week! Just a friendly reminder, in case time has slowed to a Dali-esque melted trickle in your brain.

  25. Yay for Mr. Bunny!
    And good luck for next week. I'm not sure my nerves could handle all that together.