Thursday, September 2, 2010

While we wait some more...

I'm taking today as a day of rest...from worrying. In part because you guys totally set my mind at ease regarding this first number (you utterly rock!), in part because I want to squeeze as much joy from this experience as I can, given how tenuous it is. So I'm doing my best not to think ahead, either by imagining the best or by imagining the worst. Which is not to say I don't do both, but I try to quiet those thoughts.

Meanwhile, I've been ruminating on the following since Tuesday morning.

1. I was amazed at how posting that positive test made me feel instantly like a horrible pariah in blogolandytown. I wish one person's happiness didn't exacerbate another person's sadness, but I know (from personal experience) that it can, if only for a moment. If you feel left behind and like your turn will never come, all I can really say is that I felt the same way on Monday. And that I might be back in the trenches with you on Friday.

2. I'd noticed that women who had a positive often started posting only short, informative updates. I was like don't they want to share every last nuance of their feelings? Now I know that (1) above might be part of it--a fear of positing things that will be like stabby stabs in the hearts of those you've come to love. And there's the fear that speaking of IT will cause IT to evaporate. Also, most of those women probably have lives. NOT ME, man!

3. On a related note, I'd wondered why few women ever tell the story of sharing the result with their partners. Now I think it might be because of the stabby stabs. Or it might feel like a private moment to some women, or a moment that is difficult to capture, or a moment that involves URINE so is not all that pretty....

But I want to tell. So if you're not up for being stabbed in the heart, stop here and go look at this adorable shrew.

Telling Mr. Bunny. You know, I've fantasized about the experience of telling my husband I was pregnant more times than...than there are numbers for. (To find out how I had a chemical pregnancy without having this experience, go here.) It's a fantasy that always brought tears to my eyes. I would come out of the bathroom and show him the positive test. He'd leap up and enfold me in a loving embrace. We'd weep. I sure would, anyway. Unicorns would leap through misty rainbows all over the place. Kittens made of solid gold would rain from the sky. Something like that. The reality was totally unromantic: Awake at 3am while husband is out of town. Take test. See faint line. Absorb implications. E-mail photo of positive test to husband with explanation of what he's looking at and instructions to call. Wait...Wait... At 7, text husband: WAKE UP! CHECK YOUR E-MAIL! Husband calls. Have silly, incoherent conversation with husband, who is sitting on a bench across from a Dunkin' Donuts, several states away, trying to hear me over the noise of passing cars. No golden kittens, no misty rainbows. But somehow perfectly perfect for us. I guess joy can make anything pretty.


  1. I peed on a stick while KB was getting ready for work, and then left it on the kitchen counter for him to see. When he totally overlooked it (how is that possible? and also, yes, gross, pee stick on the kitchen counter) I drew his attention to it. He stared at it and said, is that positive? I said, yep. He said, are you sure? I said, yep. That was pretty much it. I guess there was some hugging and whatnot, but we were both afraid of being attacked by the golden kitties, who might claw our sad eyes out at any moment, so we reserved our celebration for the official call from the RE after the beta. Even though I peed on at least four more sticks in between.

    Who says romance is dead?

  2. Ah but the real life detail of the Dunkin' Donuts makes it better than any gold kittens, which might easily cause a concussion when raining down, in any case. Safety first, bunny! Also I like that doughnuts are a recurrent motif in your story. Sort of a modern fertility symbol, eh.

    I think the whole experience is so over-whelming in so many ways that it defies description - somehow it doesn't bear scrutiny (please don't stop posting though!) and you're so right, squeeze every possible drop of joy out of it.
    Can I say it again? Please continue to post! It makes me happy - maybe the world isn't so mean, after all.

  3. I love your "telling" story. No kittens and unicorns, but real life and emotional all the same (I always think real life is better, dam you romantic comedies for ruining us forever). I blogged very little when I was pregnant, only 2 posts before week 12 b/c I felt too much surviviors guilt to write. I wish now that I had more documentation of my happy time in my pregnancy. You deserve to celebrate this.
    I would be lying if I did not admit to those why me moments, but I think we IF'ers know when we can and cannot handle it. I will only read/comment on a pregnancy blog when I know I am up for it (sorry guys, I promise I still love you). I also think reading about pregnancy after IF or baby loss feels very different from those who get and stay pregnant easily. You earned your baby bump.
    So, after being so long winded, I want to tell you again how happy I am for and your husband!! Congrats momma to be!!!

  4. Very cute story. Especially the traffic noise. You know it's a truly romantic event if it can withstand that! :) And you are right, I never posted mine. Here it is:

    Get home from work 13dpo and need a drink. Decide to pee on stick, and if negative (which I had not hope of it being otherwise), allow myself a drink. Or 3. Cavalierly pee on stick. Holy shit, 2 lines! Walk out and casually show E. He says "okay". He is a bit giddy, I can tell. Maybe I am too. We immediately start worrying about how we are going to deal with an ectopic, in light of our impending 3 week vacation. I spend the next 20 minutes photographing the stick and posting it on my blog... no drinky-poo for me.

    In regards to your other comment, note that I have been blogging just as regularly as I was before. And YES, I've felt horrible about it. Especially the belly photos. However, my need to spew (and my lack of a life) has totally outweighed my sensitivity. Thus the continued nearly-daily updates. Most of my non-pregnant friends have commented less often since the BFP. But I've also made a handful of new friends who are also pregnant-after-IF and that has been great. I REALLY hope that you continue to post regularly, in spite of feeling bad about it (if people don't want to read a pregnancy blog that day, they won't. So don't worry). I SO, SO, SO want to be pregnant-after-IF buddies with you!!

  5. First, #2 is RIGHT ON. I've really struggled about posting too much, too little, because I KNOW what it's like to love a blog and then suddenly be inundated with the stabby stabs. Or worse, the blogger fall off the face of the earth. It's a strange place to be, as a pregnant infertile. And, of course, you fear that everything you do is a possible jinx of the very thing you've wanted for so long.
    Yeah, ditto on the telling. I fantasized about wrapping up a pee stick (which would be totally gross), and all the creative ways I would tell hubs that I was pregnant. Since I didn't pee on a stick and instead got a phone call with my beta results. I had a very unromantic secret call from work where I whispered - "We're pregnant!" (few tears) "Ok, gotta go!" Sigh.
    Good luck tomorrow!!!

  6. That's a good telling the husband story. Solid.

    I often worry about the blog ladies I've gotten to know getting positives and posting less and less until you barely know anything about their pregnancies anymore. That said, I completely understand. The stabby stabs are never something you want to cause in the hearts of the people who've been there for you through all of your OWN stabby stabs.

    That said, please don't leave us!

    I love hearing about all of the ups and downs. Hopefully, we'll ALL be there someday...

  7. Thank you for sharing how you told hubs!!! So perfect.

    Here's mine, since, yeaaaah, I never posted it. Night before 14piui (blood has already been drawn for Beta in 13dpiui IVF consult), hubs convinces me to take a test so we can find out together/so I don't get bad news and turn into a puddle in my cubicle at work the next day. I wake up at 4am and cannot fall back to sleep. I make myself wait until 5am and then I go do the deed. Hubs walks in as I am doing it. I place le stick on the sink and it INSTANTLY shows two lines. Are you KIDDING me?!!!! Total, utter shock. I proceed to borderline hyperventilate, meanwhile hubs has no idea how these HPTs work and I have to breathlessly tell him THE INJECTS/IUI WITH DR. AWESOME FREAKING WORKED. And basically we are shaking and hugging (well, I'm shaking) and I just keep saying "OH MY GOSH" over and over. It was the best moment of my entire life. Then we made pancakes and bacon and fresh squeezed OJ at 530 in the morning to celebrate. :)

    You are correct. I feel totally weird posting about this stuff b/c I know how much it hurts to read about IF buddies pregnancies, even when you are so happy for them. Stabby, indeed. I have been there so many dozens of times myself....Also, I am really superstitious and scared and terrified of jinxing myself. I feel like an imposter, none of this feels real! (Hello, nooooo symptoms!)

    But I hope that YOU, Ms. Bunny, will post regularly b/c I want to read it all!!!

    I will also say that the day I got my Beta result (14dpiui), BEFORE I had to wait/know the result of Beta #2 (which didn't quite double and I wanted to die and I don't think anyone had a clue how terrified I was by my # b/c all of my beautiful comments are just like, "Congratulations on a great 2nd Beta!") was literally like living on Cloud 9. It was utter bliss. I hope you are reveling in that bliss today!!! Tomorrow, it's going to get freaky, b/c then it's going to be real-real-real and the extreme anxiety sets in. I have never felt anything so awful and so wonderful simultaneously......we'll be here to get you thru it all!!!

  8. #2 is right on. I do care what other people think and since I do have one I feel like an imposter often. And I'm afraid if I talk about it, it will vanish!

    I was down at the pool and my dh was on a trip, and I put a word document on the desktop that said R, Read me. It in it said, I think I may have just saved us $20,000, I'm pregnant! To which I got a text saying REALLLYYYY

  9. Um. I just wrote a whole loooong comment and it got lost in cyberspace. Alas! Here are the highlights...

    1. I adore your telling story.

    2. You are EXACTLY right. I feel realllllly weird posting abt this stuff b/c I know SO WELL how painful it is. Plus, the whole "jinxing myself" thing.

    3. I POAS at 5am and it INSTANTLY turned positive. Hubs was in the bathroom and while hyperventilating I had to explain IT HAD WORKED! We just kept hugging and I kept saying "OH MY GOSH!" over and over and over. I was shaking and breathless for hours. We made pancakes and bacon and OJ at 530am to celebrate. It was the best moment of my life.

    4. Today is a beautiful day. Revel in it! The extreme, intense, constant anxiety, at least for me, set in on Beta #2 day. And it hasn't left me since. It's pretty brutal. How can you feel so wonderful and awesome all at once? We will help you thru it, if you have that unfortunate delayed reaction, like I have.

    5. I AM SO THRILLED FOR YOU BUNNY! Keep blogging regularly, please please please!!! xox

  10. I am completely afraid if I talk about IT too much, it'll vanish and I'll be back to square one (with another crushing loss to deal with). Tuesday, after I got my beta #2 results, I was excited for about 2 hours and then the cautious optimism snuck back in. Can't help it.

    I love the way you told your hubby... because its a real story... no barfing up unicorns and shit.

    I told Mr. Wannabe on my cell phone in the car while racing to my dr. office to get there before they closed for more meds because he was going on holiday. I did my first test on Sunday and was excited but thought it could still be the trigger. I have no idea what came over me, but i did my second test while at the mall on Monday and when it was darker, i nearly shit myself! then my dr called to see how i was feeling and then asked me if i pee'd on a stick yet... i couldn't lie to him so i said yes and he told me to get my butt into his office for more meds. i called my husband right afterwards and told him we were pregnant. he wasn't even the first to know!

  11. Please don't let your posts go skeletal on us. Survivor guilt. Man, what a great way to explain it.

    It is true, pregnancy seems to be everywhere but my house some days. I don't know why I let it hurt. Pisses me off that I let it hurt; begin downward spiral. I even get hurt if someone's plan varies from mine. It is absurd.

    But it passes. I toughen up. I know I inadvertently do it to someone else. Someone is always where you want to be and someone else is where you were/dont want to be.

    Share everything. If someone drops off, they can always come back.

  12. I just got another BFP (the two before that were losses) and I'm not posting for the above reasons. I don't want to only talking about being the P word and I also am worried that if I talk too much about it, it won't work out. I know it's irrational, but something...

    Plus I just want to lie around all day :) I have no life and I check blogger constantly but I don't want to give people only stabbing posts when I know that I wouldn't comment on them if I were feeling shitty.

    MM donuts. I just had 2 this morning...

  13. I have really struggled with posting and even with commenting at times. With commenting, I just fear that other IFers will now see me as unrelatable or as some kind of wicked reminder of what hasn't yet unfolded for them. It seriously KILLLLS me to think that my pregnancy is wounding someone else. Guilt abounds. I have at times found pregnancy to be as alienating as IF.

    The distance between my posting is directly proportional to the distance I feel towards my pregnancy. I am almost embarrassed by that...and, frankly, a bit angry with myself for it. I am so, so fearful (even now) to allow myself to curl up into this pregnancy...becasue it could all be over before I know it. What makes me so angry is that this could be my only pregnancy (sustained or not) and I know I should be relishing every fucking nanosecond of it. I'm not unhappy to be pregnant (definitely not!), but I am so unbelievably and indescribably guarded about it. Deep down and rationally I understand that I will be destroyed on a catastrophic level if something awful happens in this pregnancy--regardless of how much I allow myself to sink into it. Yet I *still* keep it at arm's length. Major mindfuck right here. I love reading the blogs of other pregnant-after-IFers who accelerate full throttle into their loosens up the experience for me a little.

    I think that some people assume that when an pregnant IFer decreases her/his posting, it's due to their not needing the community any longer. But that's so fucking untrue.


    My fave memory about the very beginnings of this pregnancy (as related to my partner) doesn't pertain to the initial pee stick response. When that first HPT read positive, I stared at it in disbelief. I showed it to Nick, we held our breath, we hugged. Neither of us were fully committed to the idea that this was the real deal. No rainbows, no puppies farting sprinkles, just an enormous cliff-haning feeling of TO BE CONTINUED.

    BUT, on the day we were waiting for our 2nd beta results apparently my phone wasn't getting reception in the hospital, and the nurse called Nick instead to give the results. When he called me to give me the scoop, there was this adorable lightness and excitement in his voice. He gave me the number and gushed that the nurse said it was a good, strong number. I've never heard that tone of voice from him EVER. Like, primal, undistilled, unedited happiness. It's tattooed in my brain now, and I'm actually a little teary right now recalling it. His audible happiness strained my heart in a crazy, crazy way.


  14. AWWW!! Love your 'telling' story! So awesome!

    I suppose I take a different approach to my blog. It's my journal, and as much as I appreciate having followers and commenters, if I lost 'em all, I'd still do it. That being said, I've met some amazing women and I would never intentionally seek out to hurt them, and such a big part of IF is the hurt, so I understand the reluctance of the pregnant infertile to blog.

    I guess what I'm trying (very uneloquently) to say is that I don't write for infertility's sake; I write for my sake.

    Blog away, Bunny. Blog away.

  15. I don't know why but you saying you are pregnant is a very happy thing to me...happier than the random friends and relations who have no idea what it really means and what a miracle it is. I keep checking back on you because I really want this to be it and I am truly happy for you. I don't know why it's different it just is.

  16. I have developed quite a tolerance all around for BFPs. I'm pretty sure my cousin was calling me an evil bitch for getting pregnant 3 times before her IVF. But, now she's got a baby and I still have a plan. I am incredibly happy for all those getting pregnant, but I do get sad knowing that I won't be able to relate beyond a certain point. It's really the easy undeserved baby things that kill. On to you though...

    Your telling story is really wonderful. It has it's own magic, so make no apologies for missing gold kittens. I expect them to be drawing the chariot home from an easy, uncomplicated delivery. But, only if the unicorns are on vacation. Misty rainbow stains are a bitch to clean, FYI.

    Good thoughts from my corner and really hoping with all my might for smooth sailing.

  17. That shrew is pretty cute. I really hope that you are not back in the trenches with us again soon. I hope you have a boring pregnancy and that I can join you soon.

  18. I think your telling story is beautiful Bunny. Who needs stupid unicorns anyway - their horns are sharp and dangerous!.

    As for the how-to-blog-when-pregnant thing, I imagine it will be strange. I know that I have avoided some pregnant blogs in the past but have eagerly followed others all the way through. I think the thing that sets you aside from some prego bloggers is you are still YOU. You don't morph into some strange new person that forgets they were ever infertile. You're honest and we love you and I'm honestly happy for you. I wouldnt' be commenting if I didnt truely feel that way (i'd just silently dissapear out the back door).

  19. Lol, perfect story about telling your hubby! I agree, please don't leave us Bunny! You put a funny spin on things and it takes a lot of the stabby stabs away =).

  20. Blogger just ate my rather long comment, so suffice to say that...

    1. Please do keep posting, and posting in glorious technicolour detail, Bunny. I will still be here reading. I will be here reading until the End.

    2. Twangy's comment reminded me of your most excellent treatment - fertility doughnuts. My husband thought I was joking when I said he should make me these for our anniversary. Wrong! He is definitely doing that now!! Mmmmm, doughnuts.

    3. Love your telling story. A little similar to mine, where I was madly sending messages at 6AM telling my husband to wake up, I have news!

    4. Hmmm. I wants me some of those golden kittehs.


  21. Wow.... I don't have a lot to add because your other supporters are really hitting it out of the park. I think survivor guilt really sums it up. But if you don't keep blogging then we'll all be laughing a little less and missing you foul mouthed eggs, delicious desserts, and bunny eared brains. So please keep on.

  22. I hope the waiting is going ok... I'm guessing that you have already gone for the blood draw and are now just waiting for the call, so I wanted to let you know that I am thinking very positive thoughts for this 2nd beta. I think for me it was more nervewracking than the first, because hope had crept in, and so the fear of disappointment was just so much greater.
    You hit it right on the head with #2, btw. I self-edit, because I was stabbed in the heart by the positive news many times and felt it would never ever be me, and so I have tried to balance sharing what is important to me to share and concern for others' feelings. I hate the idea of making someone else feel terrible, and I know that, while I can't control how they feel, I can control how much in your face pregnant shit they see. So I write posts in my head but don't put them out there.
    On the telling -- that sounds awesome and just about perfect (because life goes on around this whole IF thing, so there were no dancing girls and lights, but just two people sharing news as they lived their lives), but I hope Mr Bunny is home today with you.
    I hope like hell they call you earlier and dont fuck up your number again. I hope you made her repeat it back to you 100 times. GOod luck, Bunny.

  23. I read this and teared up. I have been feeling guilty for my jealousy of the ladies in IF land who are pregnant. Jealousy directed at those who have had an unreasonably easy time becoming parents is one thing, but it feels awful to resent those who have struggled and who know the pain of IF.

    I am so glad you actually wrote about this; here's the deal: you keep posting and I will keep my jealousy in check. ;)